Highlander - There can only be one.

I think The Highlander and I are fighting.These guys are funny. I don't know how I manage it but I always seem to find the most sensitive of the male race. 

I've been texting back and forth with The Highlander for a few weeks now. He doesn't want to meet. Not just yet. Not until he is further along in his rehabilitation. You see The Highlander was in a motorcycle accident about 5 months ago. A man drove into him sending his bike flying 100 feet down the road. As for The Highlander? 50 feet. He told me that you could see the impression of his knee in his gas tank.

He suffered some serious road rash, a concussion and when he looked down at his leg he found it facing the opposite direction. Horrible.  I don't know all the details. From what I've been able to glean from him he had 5 surgeries in one week. There were skin graphs and metal plates involved. He was in a wheel chair for a long time. He's finally on crutches and close to walking with out them.  I guess someone took the "there can only be one" line a little to seriously.

The Highlander was already a super shy guy to start with but now any previous insecurities have been tripled. He lost so much. His job, his home, his independence.  He doesn't want to see me until he knows he can walk up to me on his own two feet. Sweet. And unnecessary. I wouldn't care. He is kind and handsome and I want to know him.

I almost pulled back when I heard his story. I was afraid of hurting him. I'm not looking for a relationship and I don't want to sensationalise his life or hardships. But then I took another look at his picture and all my rationalities went out the window. I mean have you seen Christoper Lambert?  The man gives me goosebumps. The Highlander is his younger spitting image. I have to meet him.

I pulled back a bit in our interactions. I told him let's take the dating option off the table and just be friends. Honestly I'm not even sure if Highlander and I will even click. From what I can gather he is very well educated.. He is a sweet considerate yet hot nerd.  He is the only person I have ever met that text's me using complete sentences. He uses words like 'intriguing' when I try to flirt with him. The larger his words the more I dumb down my response's. He knows I'm doing it in an attempt to loosen him up. He tries to joke back. It's cute.

He likes to ask me a lot of questions. He has asked about my writing. I told him that I am working on a book which is a partial truth. I read him "Birthday Countdown." He loved it. In return he recited  a poem to me that he had wrote in college. I was surprised and impressed. I plan on having him email it to me so that I can post it. It is lovely.

I soften myself when I speak to him. I genuinely want him to move out of his depression and back into the light. I think it's working. I'm one of the chosen few he actually bothers talking to. He said something really sweet to me the other day while we were texting.

Highlander: "I'm sure we will be in eachother's life for some time. Especially if our interaction continues at this pace. So there should be alot of opportunity to gauge our commonalities."

Let me translate the geek talk. He is telling me that he is already attached to me and that we were moving really fast. So we have plenty of time to better understand all the many ways we were similar.

I didn't know how to take this statement. I was at dinner with the hipster crew waiting for the Foo Fighters show to start when I first read it. He and I are from two completely different worlds. To him we were progressing nicely in our relationship. For me? Well I was tired of waiting around for him to man up and see me. I'd hardly call a few phone calls and texts a growing relationship.  Or so I thought.

I don't know how it happened but our texting took an odd turn tonight that ended with my feelings getting hurt.

"Feeling better?" he text me at first.

"Actually yes. It's not gone but better." I respond. 

"Glad to hear it? U should really take better care of yourself. Sounds like uv been 'burning the candle at both ends' for awhile. & eventually that catches up w U."

God this guy is sweet. He has been checking in on me for the last three days to see how I've been feeling. Mean while I've been running around town to strip joints and Foo Fighter concerts.

"I always burn hot. I have a hard time allowing myself to relax." I text back.

"Well being older & WISER than you, just saying you should learn to handle that better; and slow things down a bit." Ok dad.

"Well if I had someone mellow I could hang out with maybe I could learn to relax." I respond. I do this every conversation we have. We've made a game of me asking to meet and The Highlander dodging my requests.

"Haha, I really don't think your all that impressionable! Even if what you were saying was true. Plus that would require a significant investment of your time; a commodity you have in short supply." (I'm not making this up. He really talks like this. This is his text verbatim.)

I'm slightly insulted by this statement. I am the multi tasking queen. He has no idea that not only can I make time for him but I could make time for atleast two other guys comfortably. And everyone of them would get my undivided attention. Hopelessly devoted remember?

I text back, "I prioritize. I make time for what I want to do."

"Maybe if you sized back some of your existing commitments and time constraints, that person would materialize in your life....you can talk about prioritizing all you want but the fact remains that there are only so many hours in a day."

Ok, now he is starting to piss me off.  He's treating me like I'm some insane party girl who never sleeps and pushes away her chances of meeting anyone because of it. I mean what the hell? He doesn't read my blog.  How in the hell does he know that?

"Your not looking deep enough. There are reasons why I keep so busy. It keeps 'the lonely' away." I reply instead. He is starting to make me feel shallow and I don't like it so I decide to get real with him.

"I've actually considered that! But I seriously don't think you could feel lonely even if you cut back 20% of your current activities. Firstly, you don't strike me as someone who's not comfortable with herself or is desperate for company. Secondly, in order to bring something or someone prominent into your life, you need to create a vacuum to attract it."

Now I am insulted. I hate when I am being truly honest with someone and they call bullshit.  And whats worse he's trying to tell me that I won't be able to attract a man. Me? Please.

But you know what I think bothers me the most about this text? The fact that he is the man that I am currently talking to. I take his statement as a personal dig. I think for one he is partially jealous of my busy lifestyle. He has been stuck in his bed for months only leaving for rehab or surgeries. And second he sounds worried that I won't have anytime for him or the type of relationship he is looking for. Both possibilities irritate me.

"I'm actually trying to be ok with not looking. This is the first time in 15 years that I've been allowed to just be me. I'm trying to learn to be ok with that. I mean I was married for over a decade. I miss waking up and knowing my place in the world.  I'm trying to figure out who I am outside of a relationship. " Now I'm being brutality honest with the guy and I'm not loving it. I'd rather keep things light. I mean I haven't even met him yet, but what he's saying is bothering the hell out of me.

"I wasn't kidding when I said let's skip the dating thing, " I continue, " I love meeting new people. Finding out who they are. I want to know you. That's all."

"I wasn't suggesting that you weren't serious and think you should dedicate time for yourself! I just don't want you to burn out and risk your health in the interim." he responds with a smiley face. "I don't believe that I said you should be dating anyone at this point in time, even if that person were to be me."

This statement calms me a bit. I mean why am I getting so worked up over this?

"Just writing my thoughts down. You suggested that I wouldn't be able to find someone unless I created time and space for them. I was just saying I'm ok with that...and then I took a jab at the fact that I wanted to know you but your too much of a isolated hermit to hang lol...get out of the vacuum man!" I respond hoping to lighten the mood.

"From what I've seen and heard so far, you have ALOT of people that you put into a 'bestys' category; correct me if I'm wrong. And I just want to be distinguish between the few close friends you have and everyone else. And I wouldn't want to feel that I'm just one of your minions, whether as a friend or more. Finding someone was to suggest that you would just have to be pigeon holed into a intimate relationship! I was speaking generally about anyone that would be close, important and impactful in your life." He ends this with a smiley face with its tongue sticking out.

I know I should be enjoying the fact that he wants to be special to me. That he doesn't want to just be one of the crowd. I should appreciate his minions line. That was funny. But I can't seem to get past the first sentence.

"I have 5 people who I consider my 'Besty's'. My dad always told me that if you could count your friends on one hand you should consider yourself lucky. I know people, but only 5 know me."

Its damn true! Daria, Henny, Hippie Chick, Pop a Squat and Dimples....and Glasses is getting there.

He responds, "FYI I'm NOT isolating myself! If I were, we would never have met. I'm just easing myself back into socializing because it doesnt' come naturally to me and I've been through a very traumatic experience not less than 5 months ago."

Now I feel bad. I mean what is wrong with me? I don't know why I'm taking everything so personally.  I mean the guy has a point. I HAVE been burning from both ends and I've made more friends in the last month than I did most of last year. He's trying to be a concerned friend and I'm acting like he's a jealous boyfriend. I calm down and turn back on the sweet.

"I know. I want to help. Trust me. I'm good at this." The whole point of continuing to talk to The Highlander was to help get him over his accident and out of his shell. I need to focus.

"And don't I know it!" he tells me. "If I didn't believe you were trying to help, I wouldn't be investing so much time trying to get to know you! Which by the way, is more than anyone else I've met on Match."

Ok. Things are back to normal again. Just then I walk by a mirror and get a good look on my dye job from earlier today. "Omg!" I text him. "I just looked in the mirror...my hair lady made me so freaking blond! I'm glowing lol..."

"Well guess that's gonna go a long way to proving to those that might be so inclined to think of you as an angel." he texts. Ahhhhh. Nerd compliments. I love it.

"Lol. It's my role. To help others. To entertain. To give. To show. I figured that out a long time ago. That's why I was pushing to meet before. You need to loosen up man. Let's just hang in your empty apartment and watch Family Guy on your bed while you complain about your achy leg."

I'm dying at this point to go over there. I want to meet him. I want to see him. I want to look into his eyes and figure out who this guy is.

"I don't really feel like that's your 'role'. Any healthy relationship is mutually beneficial and balanced. And I definitely don't want to talk about my leg anymore! Have to live with that 24/7 and not much of a complainer; because I just rather not attract anymore negativity into my life. And just because I haven't met with you yet doesn't mean that all your efforts have gone unnoticed or unappreciated!"

Most guys would have made some pervy comment about my "lets watch tv in your bed" line. But not my Highlander. My sweet nerd.

"Than let's say it's been my role. But if I can make you feel better I'd be getting something out of it don't you worry Mr Man. It would make me infinitely happy to see you relax a bit." Now I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. We are having ourselves a pretty serious talk considering that we are both still strangers to one another. Without eye contact I feel like I'm talking to a ghost.

"Ha ha. Yeah yeah., " he responds. "There's only so much you or anyone can do! Most of my problems and concerns are circumstantial and it'll take along time to get over. But thanks."

I'm getting frustrated again. I don't know where all of this is going. I mean it doesn't seem like we're going to meet anytime soon. I'm beginning to tire of all the texting. I mean what if we finally meet a month down the line and he doesn't look anything like his photo? Or even if he does the chemistry isn't there? I mean maybe he is weird or has a twitch or something? All of these deep conversations would feel like such a waste if we meet and end up not speaking afterwards.  I decide to tell him my concerns.

"Just looking to give you some sort of a reprieve...and honestly texting with a stranger makes me nervous. I texted and spoke with a guy from Match for two weeks before. We talked about our families and other deep things. Then the day after we finally hung out we never spoke again. I don't like all the chit chat with a profile pic. Just a 2 second meet and greet so I can look you in the eye." I'm hoping this statement will create some sort of eta on when we can meet.

"Well you should know that I'm not the typical guy by now! But I understand your concerns and will try to accommodate them in some manner that will be acceptable to both of us. And enough with all the texts already! lol I wastn' expecting this to be such a lengthy conversation."

First of all I love the texting. Easier to copy your words to my blog page my dear. And second, what does he mean by accommodating me in a way that's acceptable to both of us? I mean does this guy have some alternate form of meet and greet in mind? Is he trying to make video chatting the second phase of our dating relationship or what?

"My reception sucks at home. I could just come over and shoot the shit with you in person if you want." I know he won't agree to this but I thought it would be cute to ask again.

"Here we go again! lol You know there is no rush to get everything said and done between us RIGHT NOW. Think your the one who needs to relax."

That's the line that did it.  I hate to be told to relax. I mean seriously dude? Not only has it been two weeks already but your not even giving me a date as to when you'll be ready to join the real world again. I enjoyed the texting at first but it's getting harder and harder for me to think of him as a real person. He is just a voice. A text in my phone. I'm running out of things to say. I need to categorize him first. Is he going to be a friend or lover?  I can't answer that unless I meet him. I need to see if there is a spark.

I don't respond. My feelings are hurt. I feel like I've been scolded and I'm not enjoying the conversation anymore.  I know I'm over reacting but I can't help it. I'm frustrated. I'm a doer. When I decide I want something or someone I make it happen. Some call it impulsive. I like to think of it as being decisive.

I never text back. He sent his last text about an hour ago.

Now that I've written down the conversation I realize it really wasn't all that bad. He was just asking me to slow down so that I could rest.

I should have more patience with him. He is injured and recovering and has put aside a decent amount of time for me. So he doesn't want to meet. So what? What is my rush? Do I think I'm going to like this guy? No, I don't think so. Then what's my deal?

Who's running this show?

It must be The Loneliness. I need to fight that bitch back. She has a nasty habit of forcing me into a relationship. Whether I'm ready to or not. And I am not.

Then there is Carrie, my alter ego. I definitely need to restrain that nut. She is a little devil and is dying to jump this guys bones. She loves to hear a nerd moan.

I think I'll text him back tomorrow and let him know I was hurt. He'll love my sensitivity. For now I'll leave him with my silence. Maybe that will put some fire under his ass.

Hope to see you soon Highlander.  Your not The One, but I think you can be my right now. If I can just get you out of your house and into the light.

When you do, I'll be here waiting.

WCC