Nightmares and Dreams

They say the only way to get over your fear is to face it. So that's exactly what I did...


Frenchie and I were inseparable the days after our first date. He would explore Los Angeles alone in the mornings, and I would pick him up in the late afternoon so that we could spend some time together. One evening, while enjoying tropical martini's overlooking the ocean in Downtown Long Beach, he proposed a plan to me.

Apparently Frenchie's life long dream was to visit the desert. He had actually planned to visit Joshua Tree National park during his brief visit here to the states.  Unfortunately for him, he had forgotten his drivers license and was unable to rent a car. His friends all worked during the day, so he had all but given up on his goal.

"Vould you like to come with me," he asks earnestly. "I will pay for a room. We can stay in Palm Springs. I've planned everything. Should we go?"


"Um...ok. Sure. Why not? When?" I ask him.


I had no plans for the week. He was going to pay for the trip. There really was no reason for me to say no. My only hesitation came from my...irrational fear. I hated the desert. You see, something happened to me a few years ago. Something that scared the shit out of me. Something that made me feel, for the first time in my life, my mortality.


"Let's go tonight," he answers excitedly. "V'we can look up rooms on your phone. I know the v'website."


"Tonight? Are you serious?" I ask him laughing. "I would need to go home and pack and we would need to drive dowtown to get your stuff which is..."


He places his hand over my mouth, interrupting my protest.


"Please," he says. "Come v'with me?"


He's looking into my eyes again. He isn't trying to seduce me. He is just trying to convey how much this means to him.


"Ok, " I answer. "Let's go to the desert."


After securing rooms in Palm Springs over the phone, we quickly drove back to Hollywood so that I could pack. No one was home at The Plex, so I shot Hippie Chick a text letting her know what I was doing.


"What?!," she immediately replies. "The desert? You hate the desert!"


"I know," I text back. "He wants to go. It means alot to him...so I guess to the desert I go lol..."


"Okay. Text me when you two crazy kids get there," she answers.


We drive downtown to the loft to pick up his gear. He throws a handful of clothes into a bag and straps his guitar to his back. His friends arrive home just as we are leaving.


"Where you guys headed too," his jam session partner asks.


"Frenchie is dragging me to the desert," I reply with a notable lack of enthusiasm.

They all laugh.


"Have fun," he says to me.

He grabs my arm just as we are walking out and tells me out of earshot of Frenchie, "Thank you for doing this. You are really making this guys dream come true."


I smile at him and take a deep breath as we walk out. I can hear Frenchies friends chuckle as I shut the door behind us.


The drive to the desert was very intimate.  The time flew by.  We talked the whole way...about his life in France. About our past relationships. About what we wanted to be when we grew up. Everything was so easy with him. It had been a long time since I had felt comfortable enough to share myself, my inner most thoughts with someone. Without any fear of being judged, or misunderstood.

We got to our hotel in Palm Springs, but didn't go straight to bed. Instead Frenchie pulled out his guitar and played for me. He sang for me. I sat on the small couch next to our bed and just watched him. I was mesmerized. After his third or fourth song, he finally puts down his guitar and walks over to me. He reaches down and pulls me to the bed...

...

The next day Frenchie was practically jumping out of his skin. He was so excited! He rushed me through breakfast and out of my shower. He was beyond eager to get our adventure under way.

I was less enthused.


We drove out of Palm Springs and into the Mohave desert. Frenchie had planned the entire trip long before he boarded his plane out of Paris.  The night before he had spread out his maps and notes on the bed showing me the path we would take.


As we drove deeper into the desert, my anxiety increased.


"This is the right way? For sure," I ask him. "This is the way it says to go on your maps?"


"Yes, don't V'worry," he says to me. "I know it. I studied. Thiz iz it."


He grabs my hand to comfort me. He knows why I'm filled with fear. I had shared my story of peril with him the night before...

...


The last time I had been to the desert was with my ex, Nutty as a Fruitcake. Amongst Nutty's many jobs, his one true passion was Electronic music. He wanted to be a DJ. He had seen some moderate success since coming to California, but it wasn't until he teamed up with a local producer that he really started to push his dream. Being the supportive girlfriend I am, I had decided to join him on his trip to a desert rave one day.



I know. What the hell was I thinking?


The drive to the event location was a crazy one. We lost the people we had been following so we were forced to figure out our way on our own. The rave was set to be held in the deserts between Lancaster and Palmdale. It was obviously illegal, so the roads were not the best.  What I mean by not the best,is that they were non existent. Luckily as we were driving we saw a handful of ravers shoved into a too small vehicle. I pulled up next to them and offered my vehicle as a means to lighten their load.

"Do you guys know how to get to the rave," I ask them after a few of them piled into my backseat.


"Yes, " one of them say. "See that dirt road there? Go across it. We will come to a paved road on the other side. From there we should see it."


I follow his instructions. The road was less of a road, and more like...well, empty desert. I maneuvered my car around the occasional brush and holes in the sand. I began to get nervous. Just when I was ready to turn my poor 2002 Camry around, we saw the lights of the rave.


We pulled onto a paved road and followed the lights to the concert. The scene was impressive! They had somehow managed to pull a huge stage and two large big screens onto the empty desert. The Dj booth sat on top of the stage, still attached to the huge tractor they had used to drag it in. Fire dancers were spinning near them and there were candy ravers everywhere.


We get out of the car and step into the freezing night. We tried to warm ourselves by dancing but it was difficult.


"We should do some E," Nutty tells me. "That would warm us up for sure."


"That's ok, I'm good," I respond.


"Why not," he asks me, irritated. "You told me once before that you were willing to try it."


"I know, but I don't want to. Not now," I respond. "Look, I have to work tomorrow night.  I don't want to be out of it. Plus, if or when I do decide to try it, I want it to be with people I trust. Somewhere familiar and safe. Not here, ok?"


Nutty doesn't respond. I can tell he's annoyed with me. I decide to ignore him. I was having a good time. The scene was interesting, the music was loud. It was a new experience for me and I was taking in every part of it.  I wasn't going to let his silly request bring me down.


As the night wore on, Nutty gradually became more and more withdrawn. I couldn't understand why?!



"I'm cold, lets go in the car and warm up for a second," I tell him.


I pull out my flashlight and we make our way back to my car. Outside of the strobe lights the desert was completely black. We get inside and I turn on the engine, and quickly flip on the heater. Nutty sat next to me, still sulking.


Finally unable to deal with the dingbat anymore I turn to him and ask, "What's wrong with you?"


"You fucking hate this," he answers me.


"What?" I say surprised. "What are you talking about?"


"You hate this. I know you do. You don't want to be here," he replies.


He hasn't raised his voice. He's not even looking at me. The guy was just looking out the windshield, towards the stage. The only sign of life was the pulsating light flashing in his eyes.


"That's not true," I tell him. "I'm having a good time. This is way cool man. Why are you saying that?"


That's when he finally told me the truth. Told me why he was so upset. It was because I didn't want to do drugs with him. It was because I didn't want to share in this beautiful moment with him, totally hammered off of drugs. He told me I was ruining it for him.


I couldn't believe my ears! I mean I could understand getting yelled at for doing drugs, but for someone to be pissed because I wasn't?! You got to be kidding me!?


I was aware of Nutty's past. We had talked about it before we had got together. I had made it very clear. If he wanted to be with me, then he couldn't do drugs. It was a non-negotiable for me. He had agreed. And up to this point he had stayed true to his promise. It had been 9 months without a hitch. Until this night.


"Look dude, if you want to do some Ecstasy, then go ahead," I say to him, close to tears. "I don't mind. Have your goodtime. I won't be mad. But I don't want to do any, ok?"


This is when he blows it. He yells at me. I don't remember what he said. All I knew was that the two of us were over. This was too much! This isn't what I wanted. Let him do his drugs, let him find a girl who will do them with him. I was done. With him and this fucking rave.


We decide to leave. We don't tell anybody. I put on my seatbelt and head back into the desert.  We drove down the paved road in silence. I could feel him fuming next to me. The tears are still spilling down my face.


We drove for a mile or two down the road. It was so dark! We pass a paved turn off. I not sure why, but I look up and take note of the street name. Thank God I do. It was one of the only reasons we were found later.


We see the dirt road we had crossed over on and turn onto it. The desert seemed to swallow my car up in its darkness. We drive for a bit. Nothing looks familiar.


"Is this the right way," I ask Nutty.


He doesn't respond. He's still looking moodily out the window.


"I don't think this is right," I say again. "I'm going to turn around and go back."


Seconds before I turn my wheel, it happens. The sand beneath us goes soft, and I feel the nose of my my car sink into the ground with a, "Thuck!"


"Fuck!!" Nutty yells immediately.


I jump at his voice. He hadn't said a word since our fight. I try to back out of the ditch, but my wheels just spin.


"We need to get something under the tires," I say to him. "They aren't catching on anything."


I've stopped crying. I knew we were in trouble. I immediately go into survival mode. I'm not the type of girl who waits around to get rescued. I was going to fix this.


We get out of the car. I pull out my flashlight and begin scouring the desert floor in search of anything large enough to place under my tires. I couldn't believe what I heard next. It was my car. I had shut off the engine before I had got out. Nutty had turned it back on and was trying to back my car out of the ditch.


"Nutty, no!!" I yell, running back towards him.


The idiot! What was he thinking?! Everyone knows that when your car is stuck in mud or sand that you have to place something solid under the wheels. Otherwise you will just sink further.


As I ran towards the car I could see the front end of my car dipping deeper into the sand.  I reached the open car door and yelled for him to stop.


"Why," he asks irritated.


"It will only sink further if you do that," I tell him panicked. "We have to place something under the tires. Please!"


Nutty stops the engine and gets back out. He walks away a few feet and lets out a blood curdling scream into the desert.


I shudder and take a few steps back from him. Luckily he doesn't look at me. He walks away from the car and into the desert, picking up pieces of wood along the way. I turn the opposite direction and do the same, grateful for the time to be alone.


We both head back to the car several times dumping our spoils onto the ground in front of the tires. We have an old blue suit case, a few hubcaps and some random pieces of wood. We begin to place them under the tires.


"Get back in the car and try to pull out when I tell you," he says to me.


His voice is calmer, but I can still hear the hysteria boiling just beneath the surface. I do what he says. I know I have to keep him calm.


I try to pull out after his command. Nothing happens. The wheels just turn, catching onto nothing.


"Again," Nutty yells.


I try again. Nothing. The debris either flies out from under the car, or pushes deeper into the dirt.


"We have to stop," I finally tell him. "It's not working, and we are just sinking deeper into the sand."


By this point night has turned into early dawn.  We've been stuck for atleast an hour. It was time to call for help.


"Just try it again," he yells.


"Dude, I can't," I tell him. "It's not going to work. Look how deep we are now!"


The bottom of the front end of the car is now sitting on top of the sand. The tires half buried.


Nutty grabs a long piece of wood and lies down onto the dirt. He begins to use it to shovel the sand out from under the car. I stand there in silence. I grab a scarf from my backseat and wrap it around my neck. It's still early morning, so the desert is an ice box. I can see the steam coming out of Nutty's nostrils. He is making little progress. For every bit he shovels out, another avalanche of sand falls back in.


"Babe, please," I say to him. "Let me just call a tow truck. This isn't going to work."


Nutty stands up and looks at me. I can see the sweat pouring off of him. There is blood on his forearms and his knuckles are busted and also bleeding. He had this crazy look in his eyes. I shudder again.


"Look, for once, in your fucking life...will you just listen to me?"


He doesn't yell this to me. If I hadn't been looking at him I would have been able to pretend that he was calm. But I was looking at him. I was looking at his eyes. They were red. Not blood shot. The whites were completely red. Nutty was no longer himself. Nutty had actually gone...well, nutty.


"Ok, I'll try again," I say to him.


I get back into the car shaking, and try again. The same thing happens. My car was going no where.


"Get out, let me do it," he says.


I quickly move out of his way and let him try. Nothing.


We played that game for another hour or so. I'm not sure how long exactly. By this point I had lost track of time. We had been stuck for several hours. That I knew. I felt  so helpless. All I could do was sit there and watch Nutty dig with his bloody knuckles and allow him to have his melt down on his own. As long as he was focused on the car, I knew he wouldn't have time to freak out on me.


Finally he looks at me and says, "Ok, go ahead and call who you want."


I grab my phone gratefully and call up AAA. They were of little help. We were too far off the road for them to assist us. They give me the number of a local towing company and I call them myself. Thank god I had looked at that street sign . Otherwise I would have had zero directions to give them.


"We are about a mile past that street, on the left side of the road," I tell them. "I can't see the pavement from here, but there is a abandoned house just above us. We are stuck behind there."


"Ok, " the dispatcher tells me. "We'll have a driver up there in 30 minutes."


"Thirty minutes!" I thought. "This mad men could kill me in thirty minutes."


I laugh to myself. I was trying to do everything I could to hold it together. By this time Nutty wasn't just manically digging and revving the engine. He would also stop every now and then and yell at the universe. You heard me. He was yelling at the Universe. He would scream out into the desert, spittle flying from his mouth each time, about how awful his life always was. About how fucked the universe was to him.


I said nothing. I stayed out of his way. I allowed him to do whatever he wanted. I had help on the way. That's all I cared about.


My phone finally rings. I had left it on the charger in my car. I run over and accidentally rip the cord in half in my haste to grab my phone. It doesn't matter, it's the tow truck. Help was finally here.


"I'm near where you told us," he says to me. "Where are you?"


"Just give me a second," I answer back. "There is an abandoned house right near us. I'll walk up and find you."


I hang up the phone and walk over to where Nutty is laying. He was still digging sand out from under the car.


"The tow truck is here, " I tell him. "I'm going to walk up to the road so that he can find us."


"Just stay here, let him find us himself," he answers irritably.


"He can't see us. We're in a ditch," I respond. "I'll be right back."


I turn around and walk back towards the road. I didn't need his permission. Why would I need the permission of a madman?


I climb the hill to the abandoned house and step onto the other side. What I saw made my blood run cold.


I saw nothing. No road. Just desert. Nothing but desert.


My phone rings again. It's the tow truck driver.


"I'm sorry, I'm not sure where the road is," I tell him. "I have to go back and find my boyfriend. He might know the direction. I'll call you back."


"I can't wait for long," the driver says. "I have other calls."


"Ok. Just give me five minutes, I'll call you back," I tell him. "My phone is dying so I need to hang up. I'll call right back."


I hang up the phone and quickly head back to the car.I walk down the hill and look around. I don't see anything. No car, no boyfriend. Nothing. Just desert.


I look back at the house and try to get my barrings. I could have sworn the car was in this direction! I hadn't walked far. It should be right there!


I begin to panic. I look around me. The sun has risen so I have a perfect view of the nothingness that surrounds me. I feel my own hysteria rising in me.


"Oh my god," I think. "I'm lost! I'm really lost. I don't know where the road is...I don't know where Nutty is...what am I going to do?"


I keep walking, my eyes searching the nothingness around me. Ten minutes go by. I try not to walk far. The abandoned house is my only land mark. I didn't want loose that as well.


"I'm lost," I think again. "Wow, there could be wild animals out here. Coyotes. I have no weapon. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god..."


The fear begins to take hold of me. This is real! I could actually die out here. I was lost and alone. What the hell was I going to do??


"Calm down," I tell myself. "Don't freak out. Just call for Nutty. Keep it together Carrie. You can do this."


Having a game plan helps to calm me, even though I new it was a pathetic one. I begin to call out for Nutty. My voice doesn't carry. The second I scream, its as if my voice is blocked. It just drops to the ground right in front of me.


Little did I know, Nutty was still able to hear my screams. I just couldn't hear him yelling back. Luckily I turned just in time to see him heading in my direction. I run over to him and collapse into his arms. I'd rather be lost with a madman then die out here by myself.


"I told you not to leave," he says to me.


There is no tenderness in his voice. My tears dry up immediately.


We walk back to the car. It was buried deep in the ditch. No wonder I couldn't find it.


"Look, we need to find the road," I tell him. "The tow truck is here but he can't find us. I thought it was that way, but all I found was more desert."


"That's because we came from that direction," Nutty says to me, pointing the opposite direction.


"Are you sure," I ask him. "I could have sworn we came the opposite way."


Nutty only looks at me. That's all he needed to do. I shut my mouth and follow his lead. After about 20 minutes of walking, he finally gives up on his theory.


"Come on," I tell him. "I have an idea."


I walk back to the car and look down at the sand, happy with what I find. Pressed deep into the earth are my cars tire tracks. I begin to follow them up the dirt "road". We get pretty far that way. Following my tire tracks, occasionally stopping to decipher which are ours and which are old tire marks from trucks. We walk for almost a mile. Eventually we loose the tracks. We both stop and look at each other; the fear we both felt mirrored in the others eyes.


Nutty pulls me in for a hug.


"Finally!" I thought. "He is going to comfort me. He is going to try to make me feel better."


If only that would have been true. Instead of comfort Nutty begins to cry. That's right. My ex underground cage fighting, ex body builder, trans house DJ, escort body guard ex began to cry in my arms like a little baby!


I allow him his release. Better he cry than launch himself into another rage. As I held him I heard something. I pull him away from me and hold my fingers to his lips to silence him. There it was again!


We both look at each other and yell, "Cars!"


We jog towards the sound. A few minutes later, we see it. The road! I see a tow truck zoom by. I pull out my phone and the driver again. Thank god it still hadn't died!


"We're here, I just saw you drive by us," I yell into the phone.


"Sorry, I have to go to another pick up," the tow driver replies back. "You're going to have to call someone else."


Then the dirty bastard had the nerve to hang up on me!


"What did he say?" Nutty asks.


"He said he had to go," I tell him. "What a dick!. Wait, look! There's a car coming!"


We both run towards the road just in time to stop the car from flying by us. It's a couple of party goers headed home from the rave.


"You guys ok, " the driver asks.


He looks to be around 19/20 years old. His girlfriend is in the passenger seat.


"Our car got stuck in the desert," I tell them. "We need to get a tow truck."


"We just passed a tow truck hitching up another car," he tells me. "We can drive you over there if you want?"


"Oh my god yes! That would be amazing," I say to him.


I hop into the backseat, instructing Nutty to wait for me on the side of the road. I knew if we both left that spot we would never find the location of my car again.


Nutty complies, saying nothing. He had been eerily quiet for a while now. Since his crying. Whatever. Atleast he's calm.


On the drive down the road, I retell the story of what happened to us to my rescuers. They can't stop laughing. The guy almost drove off the road when I told him about how I thought Nutty was going to comfort me but had instead started to cry.


"Oh wow," he says to me. "That's the funniest story I've ever heard! I'm so glad we picked you up!"


I begin to laugh with them. It really was sort of funny wasn't it? I mean I could laugh now, couldn't I? We were going to be ok, it was time to relax.


We get to the tow driver, and my laughter quickly turned to anger. The guy won't help me!


"You have to call someone else," he says to me. He had just finished hitching up his load and was getting back into his driver seat. "I have to haul this car all the way back to town. I won't be able to come back here."


I pull out my phone and call another tow truck. I couldn't believe what was happening! I used my limited battery to call my job to inform them I wouldn't be coming in. I knew this nightmare was far from over.


The ravers drove me back to Nutty.


"Do you want us to take you guys into town," they ask, concerned.


"No, its ok," I tell them. "I called another tow truck. I don't want to leave this spot. If we do, we'll never be able to find my car. We'll be fine."


"Ok, well take this," his girlfriend says.


She hands us a half empty bottle of water. We had been lost for atleast 4 or 5 hours. We hadn't had a drop of water for even longer than that. We were exhausted and hungry. I took it gratefully.


"Take this too," she says, handing me a small bottle of 5 hour energy drink. "It'll keep you going."


She gives me a wink and they pull away.


Nutty and I take a small drink of the water. We know we need to conserve. Nutty takes the energy drink and downs it. Great. Now I'm stuck with a psycho high on caffeine.


The wait is a long one. Another hour goes by. It was a nightmare. Nutty was freezing. He had left the car without his jacket. The air was cold but the sun was still hot. Our bodies shivered as our cheeks burned.  Nutty began to cry again. He looked so pathetic. Sitting there with his arms in his t-shirt, shaking, his eyes still red. He began to rant.


"Why does this happen to me? Why does this always happen to me," he says to no one in particular. "I thought last night was going to be so amazing. I thought that you and I would take some drugs and enjoy the event together. Why couldn't you just do that. Why? Why!!"


He's standing again. He begins to yell again. He starts to work himself up so badly that he eventually makes himself sick. I'm sure it was a combination of the lack of sleep, no water, the way he had exhausted himself for hours trying to dig out the car. All he had in his stomach was that energy drink. Dehydration had set in...


He began to dry heave on the side of the road.


"Baby, baby," I said to him. "You have to calm down. It's ok. The tow truck is coming. Come here. Drink the rest of the water. I'm going to call them again."


He calms down a bit and drinks the rest of our water. I'm dying of thirst but I hardly notice. All of my senses had been heighten since this nightmare had began. I had my own adrenaline running through me. I was aware of how close I was coming to cracking. But as long as Nutty was useless, I knew I had to hold it together. I was our last hope of getting out of this mess.


We hadn't seen one car since our raver friends had left us. I pulled out my phone and called the towing company again.


"I'm sorry ma'am, " she says to me. "We have no record of your call. We never sent anyone out."


I thought would loose it right then. I somehow kept it together. I gave her our location again and hung up the phone. I take a moment before I turn around. I knew Nutty wasn't going to take this well.


"So they had a shift change and never sent anyone out to find us," I tell him. "They just resent a driver."


"This is your fault," he says to me under his breath.


"What," I reply shocked.


"All of this," he continues. He is sitting on a rock near the road, looking down at the ground. He never raises his head. "It was your fault we left. You were the one who decided to take that road. And look at the way you have been talking to the dispatchers. It's no wonder they haven't come. You've been too fucking nice!"


His voice begins to get louder. He looks up at me. I hardly recognize his face. He continues his latest and greatest rant.


"You should be telling them this is an emergency! You need to tell them how long we've been stuck! You need to tell them what you've done!!!"


I stand my ground under his assault. He's still sitting. I try to decide how to handle this. How to handle him. My body begins to shake again. I feel my own wave of nausea and dizziness overtake me. I shake my head, willing it away. Now wasn't the time for me to fall apart. I had to calm him down. I was still the only one that could get us out of this.


"Look, I'm sorry baby. I'm so sorry," I tell him gently. "You're right. I never meant to ruin your night. I'm sorry I got us lost. We're going to be ok. Help is on the way. Please believe me. I love you ok? I love you. Please don't be mad at me."


I don't believe any of this. At this point I don't even believe that I love this person anymore. I'm just doing what I knew I had to do. I needed to keep him calm. I needed to keep us safe. Most of all I needed to keep myself safe, from the desert and from him.


I walk over to where he is sitting and wrap my arms around him. I can feel the tension drain from his muscles. It's difficult for me to hold him. Not because I'm afraid...but because I'm disgusted. By him. By what I had just watched him become in a few short hours


Another hour goes by. We are nearing hour number six now. I hadn't ate since the day before. I was totally drained. I was afraid. My phone was on its last bar. I was so afraid of it dying before the tow truck was able to call me back.


My phone finally rings.


"Hi, I believe I'm near you," the man says to me. "I don't see you anywhere."


"We are right on the left side of the road," I say to him. "You can't miss us. We are the only things out here."


After a few moments of instructions the tow truck driver delivers what is still to this day the most awful thing I have ever heard.


"Oh my god," he says, sounding distressed. "They sent me to the East side...you are on the West. I'm about 45 minutes away from you. I'm all the way on the other side of town!"


That was it. That was the moment. The moment I finally snapped.


"Listen, my boyfriend and I have been stuck our here for over 6 hours," I begin. My voice begins to shake, "We have no food, no water, and we are freezing. My phone is about to die and you are the only person who knows that we are stuck out here..."


The tears begin to flow from my eyes. My last words pour out of me in a high pitched hysterical scream, "Do you hear what I'm telling you?!! No one knows we are here! I don't want to die in the desert!!"


I hear silence on the other side of the phone. I wait patiently. I've had my freak out. I feel calmer.


"Ok, don't worry miss," he responds kindly. "I know where you are. Do you hear me? I know where you are, and I'm coming! I'll be there in under an hour. Don't worry if your phone dies. I'll find you."


"Alright, thank you," I reply softly.


I hang up and face Nutty. I tell him the bad news. He doesn't take it well.


"I'm going back to the car," he says to me. "I can get it out. I just didn't have enough time to dig."


"Dude, you can't get it out," I say. "We already tried that. For hours remember? There's no way."


"I can do it. Just give me the keys," he says, holding out his hand.


"Babe, I doubt if you could even find the car, let alone get it out," I say. "We barely found the road. There's no way you are going to be able to find it."


I had this vision of the news later that evening. There would be a shot of my wrecked car and then a picture of Nutty with a, "Missing" logo flashing beneath his face. There was no way in hell I was going to let him get himself lost out in the middle of nowhere.


"Give me the fucking keys," he says to me between gritted teeth.


I knew arguing wouldn't work with him. That's what he wanted. He wanted to fight. I had always felt secure in the fact that Nutty would never try to physically hurt me, but at this point I wouldn't put anything past him. His mind had snapped hours ago. So I tried the only thing I could. A line from one of my favorite books pops into my head,



"I hope she'll be a fool--that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool..."
The Great Gatsby.



So that's what I did. I played a fool. I played a pathetic women. I used my beauty and charm to fool him into staying.


"You can't leave me," I began. I used my most terrified looking face. I bulged my eyes and grabbed his arm. "Please baby! You can't leave me on the side of the road by myself! I'm afraid! Please please don't leave me alone."


I try to will tears to my eyes. I can't do it. I wasn't sad, I was actually afraid. I wasn't afraid of being left alone. I was afraid that he would leave and get lost. I was afraid that he would see that I was lying. Most of all I was afraid that he would try to wrestle the keys from my pocket. That was one struggle I knew I couldn't win. One of Nutty's favorite games was to lift me up and toss me up and down into the air like a ball. He could crush me.


I continue looking at him, pleading with my eyes. I see his face soften. He believes me! At the end of the day, through all of his craziness, the boy actually does love me. It works. He sits back down on the road and waits.


Forty five minutes later our salvation finally arrives.


The tow truck pulls up next to us. The tall burly man behind the wheel jumps out holding a plastic bag in his hands.


"You two ok," he asks, his eyes soft with concern.


"Yes, I'm so happy you're here," I say to him. I actually gave the guy a hug.


He opens up his truck and lets us in.


"Here, this is for you two," he says, placing the bag on my lap.


I open it up. It looked as if the guy had raided the entire contents of a gas station vending machine. There were several bottles of water and a load of candy bars. I look at him and smile.


"Thank you so much," I say to him.


It took us almost twenty minutes to find my car. The tow truck driver actually spotted it first. The car was deep in the ditch. If it hadn't been for a glint of sunlight reflecting off its roof, we never would have seen it.


"Hold on," he says to us. "That's quick sand you guys are stuck in. I need get across it to the other side. This may get a little rough."


Nutty and I grab onto the cars interior railings and brace ourselves. He kicks in the trucks 4 wheel drive and slams on his gas. The truck shoots forward with a roar. We bounce and fly our way across the ditch safely to the other side.


We get out and take a look at my car. It's a pathetic scene. I wish I would have taken a photo.  The nose of my car was completely buried. There were pieces of wood and trash everywhere. I felt myself start to choke up. I push it back down. There would be plenty of time for that later.


"Wow, you guys never would have gotten out of this alone. Crazy," he says, shaking his head. "Ok, who can drive better in reverse?"


"That would be me, " I answer.


Nutty nods his head in agreement. It may have took seven hours but he finally knew who was in charge of this rescue mission.


"Ok, I'm going to hook up the car and pull you out," the tow driver instructs me. "I need you to turn on your engine the second you hit the hard sand. I'll pull you a few feet and then unlatch you. Once I do, safely turn around and follow me out of the sand. Don't stop. Don't slow down. Just drive exactly where I do, understand?"


I shake my head and walk to my car. Nutty gets in the passenger seat next to me. I ignore him. Everything was going to be ok. He wasn't my problem anymore.


Everything goes according to plan. It takes several minutes for his chain to pull my deeply buried car out of the sand. Once he does I turn my car around and began to follow him out. I ignore the brush I hit, I ignore the pot holes. I plowed through them all, making sure to keep up with my rescuer.


Once we get back onto the road and after we took care of the drivers fee, I fell back into our rescuers arms once again.


"Thank you so much," I told him. "If you ever need anything, you call us. He's a DJ and I'm a dancer. Any parties you have, we'll be happy to entertain.  No charge."


Nutty pulls out our individual business cards and hands them to him.


Before he jumps back into his truck I yell out to him, "By the way! I am totally going to name my first born child after you!"


He laughs and gets behind the wheel.  We follow him down a different road to the freeway.  Nutty and I drive home in silence. Once we get there we both jump into the shower together.


"I'm so sorry, " he says to me under the running water.


Finally. Finally he was going to apologize for his freak out.


"I'm so sorry I tried to make you do drugs," he says instead.


"What," I reply shocked.


"I never wanted to be the type of person to push anything like that on you. I'm so sorry," he finishes.


He pulls me into a hug. I'm speechless. He was sorry for trying to make me do drugs? That's what he was sorry for? Did he forget about the rest? Did he forget about us almost dying? Did he forget about his rage filled outbursts? Did he forget that if it hadn't been for me, we would still be stuck in that god awful desert?


He releases me from his hug and kisses my face before stepping out of the shower. I linger just long enough for him to dry off and leave the bathroom. I get out and begin to dry off. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.


My cheeks and nose are burnt from the relentless sun and cold.  My eyes are glossy from exhaustion and my lip is cut from the dehydration. That did it. I was done. It was finally my turn. My turn to freak out.


I fell to the floor and began to sob. My body shook from the effort. All the fear, all the anger, all the pain and exhaustion I felt over the last 24 hours poured out of me. I sat there on the floor until I was spent before I finally pulled myself off up and put myself to bed. I broke up with Nutty 3 weeks later...


The memory of what had happened flooded my brain as I drove into the desert with Frenchie.  My anxiety level was off the charts. That is until we hit the first destination on his map. It was some sort of boulder cove. It was beautiful.


He grabbed his guitar and lead me to a cluster of huge boulders. With the others help we made our way to the top of the largest one we could find. Once on top we both gazed out into the nothingness.

"I love this," he says, his face beaming. "It's so empty. I'z like the end of the v'world. It's sort of like walking on the moon."


I laugh and looked out into the empty desert. I saw it all with new eyes. Through Frenchie's eyes. My anxiety disappeared. He pulled out his guitar and began to play. His voice echoes off the rocks and into the nothingness. I loved it. I loved it because Frenchie loved it. I loved it, because with him, I felt safe.


We had an amazing day. We stopped at cactus gardens and rock caves. We took a two hour hike through the desert mountains to a lush tree filled Oasis. At the end we drove our way to the tallest of the mountains, past patches of snow, to a beautiful lookout so that we could watch the sun set. We held eachother and marveled at the beauty of the desert and at the comfort we felt around eachother.


I couldn't stop smiling all the way home. I drove the familiar roads back to LA, rubbing Frenchie's hair, willing him to sleep. My chest filled with happiness and affection for him. Once back downtown, I got out of the car only for a moment so that I could hug him goodnight before I headed back home.


"Thank you so much," he whispers into my ear. "That meant a lot to me. That v'was very special."


I squeeze him tighter. I didn't need a thank you. I may have helped to full fill his dream, but he had given me so much more. He had helped me to move past a horrible memory. He had helped me move on. No, wait, there was more to it than that. I was filled with more than gratitude. I was also filled with something that felt very similar to love. Love for him.


I try not to dwell on it. I kiss him goodnight and head home, painfully aware that I only had 2 days left with my out of country boo. Two days left to enjoy the first boyfriend I've had since my painful breakup with The Rocker.


Two days left until I would have to say goodbye.
I hope I can handle it.


WCC