Absorb This

Partyboy knows. About me. About Carrie. Shit.

I went out with the Hipster crew last night to a party at The Street Artist House.  We had stayed out till 5am the night before so we were all pretty tired.  A mellow houseparty sounded awesome.  As always it was a blasty blast. One of the crew was dj'ing all night as the rest of us ran around bouncing off of each others energies. 

The Twisty Twins from New Year's Eve were there with a few additional members to their bedazzled group.  Theses girls are a funny bunch. Underaged, underweight and overdressed as usual. They have a ring leader. A blond straight out of Mean Girls. They cling to Hippie Chick and I hoping to ride on our popularity. I'm dancing around the living room on my own when the ring leader comes over to groove with me. Whatever. More the merrier. Except she gets closer than I would prefer. Than the rest of her group roll up on us and now I'm dancing in this tight little Twisty Circle.

Like I've said before, I don't need a partner to dance and I definitely don't need this type of safety in numbers attitude. I break free from their insecurities and hop my way over to an empty area of the living room.

 The Street Artist comes over and pulls me off to the side. Our fake relationship on Facebook has been progressing nicely. Over the last 2 weeks since the Foo Fighters concert our status has gone from "It's Complicated" to "In a Relationship". We have taken to writing each other wall messages about our dates. Of which we've had none ofcourse but it helps with the authenticity of our relationship.

He takes my drink from out of my hand and places it on the end table. Than he gets down on one knee and produces a thin silver $5 ring from his pocket. "Carrie, will you be with my forever, sometimes?" He asks me.

I laugh and tell him yes as he slips the ring on my finger. He stands up and gives me a kiss on my cheek.
"So should we post that I'm knocked up on Facebook to help explain our quick engagement?" I ask him.

"No no. It's to soon," he tells me panicked. "We need to make this legit. Let's give it like a month. My co-workers have barely started congratulating me on my change in relationship status."

I laugh and agree to wait. This gag has started to take on a life of it's own. But I have no commitments or love interest at the moment so if I can display a healthier fake relationship than real I'm all about it.

We head out of the party at around 3am. I shoot Glasses a text to find out how his night went. He had gone to a party at the Playboy Mansion that evening so I was hoping to score some details.

"Where are you at," he sends me back.

"Leaving the houseparty now," I tell him.

"Come pick me up. Let's go to Douchebags," he sends.

Sounds good to me. I head over to Glasses house with Hippie Chick, Homeless Boyfriend and Astro Boy. Hippie Chick is good and loaded and ready to go home. Astro has been nursing a sprained ankle for a few days so he is ready to roll also. But Homeless Boyfriend and I? Well we're ready to party with The Party Guys.  It's 2 against 2. We win out due to the fact that I'm the one driving the car.

I know I should be going home. I only got about 3 hours sleep the night before and I have to work again the next morning. But it had been a few weeks since I'd been out so I didn't want to end the night so early.

Well, that's not the whole truth. Honestly I was hoping to see Partyboy. I missed that guy. I hadn't seen him in a few weeks, partially because I was busy. And also because his girlfriend had came into town the weekend before. I was careful to avoid any areas where I could run into them.  I'm not at a place where I could comfortably hang with the two of them. I was just barely getting used to the strange relationship he and I were building.

We get to Douchebags and Glasses and I walk up the stairs ahead of the group arm and arm. We open the front door and see a few bodies lying under blankets in the living room. The one on the couch is Partyboy. He is curled up under the blankets with a spiky haired blond. The second he sees me he freezes. Hell even I had that feeling of busting his ass. He immediately jumps up off the coach and tackles Glasses.  After a struggel Glasses manages to dislodge himself from under PB. He heads to teh bedrooms to say hi to the rest of the Party Gang.  Partyboy looks up at me from the floor and says, "Come down here and give me a hug."

He must be kidding? I just walked in on you snuggling with some ugly blond and now you want some floor time with me? No thanks.  I jump over his torso and continue through the apartment to say hi to Douchebag and the other roomies. I'd much prefer a Douch hug than a fake 'I have a girlfriend so this means nothing other than I'm trying to be cute'', squeeze.

Partyboy hops back up after I dodge him just in time for Hippie Chick to pull him into the kitchen as she walks through the door.

I didn't think anything of it at the time, until Glasses clued me into the behind the scene info. I guess in her drunken state Hippie Chick had decided to give him a piece of her mind about us.  She told him to stop treating me like shit. That he was an idiot for not being with me. That there was no way he was really into his girl.

He countered that he was in love.

"Because you feel obligated," she tells him with a punch in his arm.

"No, she stayed with me through alot of stuff. I love her. We're gonna get married," he says.
(Yeah. That's called obligation.)

That line made me giggle. Seriously dude? It's not that I don't think that the guy has genuine feelings for her. I know he does. I just can't stop thinking of them as two dumb kids playing grown up.  I've been married. I know what it should look like and how one should act. Partyboy had..slash that. Has real feelings for me. He wouldn't feel that way if he had marriage emotions for his girl. That's not the way it works buddy.  And don't even get me started about his snuggle time antics with the spiky hair girl that I walked in on earlier.

I guess she berated him for a while. I was clueless at the time.  All I knew was that he was on my jock a little more than usual that night. He kept telling me to not ,"be a brat" and saying that he loved me. He kept wrapping his arms around me and actually gave me a few kisses on my cheek. As usual I tried to avoid him as much as possible. He still treats me like a girl he's into and its maddening. I never stay friends with guys I hook up with. I'm a out of sight out of mind kind of girl. I only tolerate his presence because I have to. He is best friends with Glasses and I'm best friends with Glasses so we all just deal with our twisted friendship Triangle.

After an hour we all head out. Partyboy walks us down stairs. I walk ahead of the crowd to pull up the car trying to avoid any uncomfortable goodbyes from him. Everyone piled in and I drove off right when I think he was trying to walk around to say goodbye to me. Sorry dude. Don't want to deal.

The next day I'm exhausted at work. HC and HB have plans to go to a huge house warming party in Silver Lake. I can't do it. I call up Glasses instead to see what he's doing. He answers the phone totally wasted. At 5pm. Drunkard.

"Come down," he slurs to me. "It's 'Chicken Parmesan' Night."

I laugh. He's been chanting the words,"Chicken Parmesan Night" for three days like its an event instead of just food.  I'm in. A good dinner with friends sounds perfect. Plus I love when Glasses is drunk. He's funny as shit.

That's when I hear a voice in the backround. It's Partyboy. Should have known he would be there.  It actually motivates me more to head over. What can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment.

I head over at around 7pm. Right before I step up to the door I get a call from The Highlander. He had texted me earlier asking if everything was ok. He said that I had seemed distant every since our meeting.

Yes. That's right. I finally met the elusive Highlander. And man was it a let down. I mean he definitely resembled the photo he had sent me with the exception of his bad teeth and funny shaped head. He looked to be about 25lbs lighter. Weight loss from the accident I suppose. He also looked about 15 years older than the photo I had seen. Which I'm sure he was. He was shorter than I had hoped as well. The combination of his weight, height and aged look was his downfall. I couldn't do it. I wasn't attracted. I had went out for coffee with him and had an ok time. I mean he was still the same person. Same warm look in his eyes, same easy banter we always had. I just wasn't into him.

So he calls me up and we had the most uncomfortable conversation ever. Long story short he wanted to know if I had any feelings for him. Not that he was pressuring me into a relationship or anything. He just wanted to know if the door was open. You know, be friends now and than when I was ready forge into a relationship?

I'm dying. I mean it's more than a little premature to be having this conversation. I had barely even given the guy a hug the other night. You'd think he would have taken the hint. Apparently not. I don't want to lie to him or lead him on. I'm totally not interested. I decide to lay it down for him.

 I tell him that I'm not interested in being more than friends. I'm not looking for a relationship and I don't even want to have to think about when I would be ready for something like that. Plus, I wouldn't be interested in getting together with him. He just had so much going on in his life right now. I didn't want to be included in dealing with the aftermath of his accident. I had spent most of my adult life taking care of the men I was with. Time and time again I would jump into relationships with guys who drained me of all my good will and energy. I always feel the need to take care of others. Right now I was trying really hard to just take care of me for a change.

"Not that I think that's what you would do. I just don't want to be in that position again. I need to try to be me right now. I get tired just thinking about it." I tell him.

Ok so I'm not being completely honest with him. But I figure this statement is better than telling him that I think his head is funny looking.

"Well I don't think that's really an issue," he tells me. "I wouldn't do that to you."

Grrr.

"I know. But you asked me how I felt. You wanted to know if you should invest time in me romantically so I'm being honest with you. I'm not. I think your way cool though. I really do want to still know you. I want us to be friends.."

"Ok," he says. "Well I think I need to absorb this for a second."

Huh? He needs to 'absorb'? Absorb what? Gay.

"Ok well I just got to my friends house so why don't you absorb and I'll give you a call later ok?" I send him.

"Ok," he says. I hang up. OMG. Did that just really happen? I feel so drained and down. I hate being put into that position. I don't like being responsible for someone else's feelings. I shouldn't have to be in this situation. I mean we had met ONE time. That's it.  The whole point of me being single is so that I don't have to deal with this shit.

I knock on the door and Partyboy answers. Instead of a hello he tells me, "Hi Blogger."

Great.

"Oh, ha. Hi," I say back. I'm too upset about my Highlander conversation to engage so I give him a quick hug instead and walk in. Glasses and his roommate are in the kitchen along with the whistle blower himself.

I had met WB during the Superbowl party. We had bonded over our individual artistry's. He was a writer to, and I had read him a few of my blogs. He gave me some great advise and had unofficially become my new writing partner. The downside was he apparently didn't know how to keep his mouth shut about it.

"I'm so sorry Carrie," he tells me when I walk in. " I didn't know that I shouldn't tell him."

"What part of don't tell anyone about this didn't you understand?" I ask.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Look, I think you two should talk this out. I think Partyboy has some unresolved issues about this." he says pushing me towards Partyboy.

I look over at him. He's right. I could see it all over Partyboys face. He barely gave me a hug when I walked in and he is totally avoiding eye contact with me now. I mean last night I couldn't keep the guy off me. Now he looked...well...kind of broken.

"What issue's do you have?" I ask him.

"What? I don't have issues," he responds, still not looking at me. "I'm cool. Honestly I don't really care. This conversation is just not really very interesting to me. Lets smoke." he says as he reaches for the bong.

"See. He's fine. Let's move one." I tell WB.

But it's never that simple. Like I've said before. Men are sensitive creatures that can't handle shit. Partyboy is no exception. He is weird with me for the rest of the night. Usually I can't get him to leave my side, but the entire evening he actually goes so far as to avoid being in the same room with me.

I'm upset. I mean first I had to deal with The Highlander, and now this?  I don't want to be responsible for other people's emo! Arg. My only reprieve that evening came from Glasses's drunken antics.

First we couldn't get him out of his bedroom for dinner. He had locked himself in with the sound of running water. I finally coerced him to open the door. I found him hot tubbing it in his board shorts. He looked so funny laying in his tub under the bubbles.  His roommate came in and pulled his ass out.

We all sat at the dinner table to eat the famous 'Chicken Parmesan.' Glasses was right. It wasn't just food. It was an Event. We lit some candles and poured some wine and ate our brains out. Next time 'Chicken Parmesean' night comes around, I'll be spreading the word.

After dinner Glasses begins to hop around the room calling himself a Tiger Cub. He would jump up onto the fireplace, his hands drawn up under his chin like paws and bucking his teeth like a rabbit. "I'm gonna pounce on you like a Tiger Cub," he kept announcing...right before hurling himself at anyone within his jumping range.

I finally got him to lay down on the couch. I was sitting next to him and Partyboy was sitting next to me. It's the closest we had been the entire night. I was looking at Glasses's roommate in the other room when I felt PB's eyes on me. I could tell he was looking at me pretty intently. "Interesting."  I hear him say under his breath.

I look at him and he looks away.  The comment is still haunting me. I mean, what did he mean by that? What's interesting? Why is he being so emo?

It gets late and I put Glasses to bed. Literally. I tuck him in and hang around his room until he drifts off to sleep. Partyboy lays down next to him and immediately pass's out. I walk over to the bed and lay next to him so that I can draw on his hands with the black pen I found. I put a teardrop on one and three dots on the other. I draw smiley faces on the balls of both his hands and an X on his index fingers...with the matching O's on his middle fingers. I consider drawing on his face but then decide against it. He's already pissed at me. Lord knows what he'd do if I messed up his pretty boy face.

I gather my things and turn off the bedroom light.

I'm a bit blue as I drive home. At first I think its because of the conversation I had with the Highlander. But if I'm being honest with myself, I know it has more to do with Partyboy. My sadness quickly turns into anger. I mean what the hell? What right does he have to be upset with me? I mean he was the one who stopped seeing me. He's the one that decided to get back with his out of state ex. He doesn't have the right to have feelings for me anymore and he sure as hell shouldn't be hurt by me.  I was the one he used to keep himself warm until he got back to his girl so you know what? I've decided that I'm pissed at his ass.

It's kind of liberating actually. Now he won't hang on me all the time. Now he won't try to be cute and place his forehead against mine when he speaks to me. No more gazing at me from across the room or trying to let everyone know that he knows who I am. Be with your girl man. Leave me alone. You can't have both of us.

I want more. Deserve more. More than you.

I get home and receive another text from The Highlander.
"Guess were not continuing our talk tonight? :( " he sends.

Seriously dude? God tonight is draining.

"No sad face...I just got home. Long hang out as usual. I'm gonna pass out now." I send back, trying to lighten the mood.

"So when will we finish our talk?" he replies.

Finish what talk dude? What does this guy want to talk about? I mean, I've said my peace. Either he wants to be cool and be friends or he doesn't. No more long drawn out conversations necessary.

I don't respond. Partially because I honestly don't know what to say. I'm upset over Partyboy and could give a shit less about The Highlanders unusually clingy request. But also it's because I'm stoned and two seconds away from passing out. I smoked with Partyboy earlier and was barely holding onto to reality.  I slip away a few minutes after his last text.

The next day Glasses gives me a call. "I really think that I need to stop hanging out with you. Your just way to crazy for me," he says.

I laugh and ask how he's feeling.

"Ok. I was so trashed. Thank you for taking care of me. I think everyone needs someone like you in their friend circle." he says.

"What do you mean by that?" I ask him.

"You know, your always sober and you take care of us." he replies.

Funny and totally true. I take in. I take care and I occasionally take over. It's who I am.

"Dude. Partyboy was so weird with me last night. He acted all hurt." I tell him.

"You know what I think? I think he feels like an asshole about what happen between you guys. Aannnddd, I think he still likes you." he says.

"I know he does. And its not fair. He made his decision. I'm over it."

Alright. I'm lying again. I'm not over it or over him. Not just yet. But I'm getting there. It's not easy. True chemistry is hard to find and he and I have it. I need to create some distance so that I can calm those feelings down.

Damn hormones. Always making horrible decisions for me. I need to put those assholes in check.

So Partyboy found out about my alter ego. What ever. He's not my problem anymore.  And now that I think about it neither is The Highlander. I refuse to feel bad for not liking someone. I need to be true to me and my feelings.

I think I'm going to put a pause on the whole dating thing. Maybe become a nun. Or a lesbian.

Oh who am I kidding. I'll just take my new found bitterness out on the road again.  Save your emo for your relationships boys.

I'm WCC. Still single and free.