Barf

"I'm calling bullshit!" Hippie Chick yells at me in the car.

I begin to laugh, almost missing our turn. We are driving down Hollywood blvd on our way to Juicy Burger. We loooove Juicy Burger.

"What you mean?" I ask her.

"You just said that you don't want anything serious with a guy right now, right?" she asks.

"Right," I answer.

"But then you followed that with, 'I just want a guy I can hang around, and cuddle with and have sex with occaionally',"she continues.

"Yeah," I answer shaking my head in agreement.

"That's called a boyfriend Carrie," she yells at me. "You want a boyfriend."

"Nooo," I reply immediately. "I'm in no place to have that type of emotional connection with someone. I just want to meet someone who I enjoy spending time with and who I can...oh god your right I'm describing a boyfriend."

I throw my hands up in frustration. I realize how I must sound, but for some reason I still saw a difference between having a boyfriend and what I was looking for. The bottom line was it was going to be a long time before I met anyone who rocked my world the way The Rocker did. There was no way I was going to get into a real relationship. Not now. Maybe not ever. I just want some of the benefits of one. I don't know what to call what I want. The description sounds like a boyfriend and there lies the problem! How can I get what I need without misleading anyone? Without a guy thinking that I want him to be my one and only.

I have a couple of men in my life that I could have sex with who's company I also so happen to enjoy. Huge Asshole would be one of them. But if or when I do sleep with that guy the same thing always happens. He begins to get attached. He falls back in love. Every freaking time! I can't and won't go there with him again. Gross. Sex is one thing, I mean lets face it? In the bedroom the two of us are better than the movies. But having an actual relationship with the guy? Barf. I'd rather pluck my eye out with a spoon.

The other would be The Kid. The dynamics of our relationship are a freaking dream! But he's far far away. I can't wait around to get laid every 3 months. What I need is a local Kid. Someone who's company I enjoy. Someone who I can sleep with on a whim. Someone who is a friend...with benefits...

OMG, that's it! I know it's simple but this is the first I've thought of it. That's what it's called. That's what I want. That's what I need right now.

I don't want to see just one person. I don't want a boyfriend. I enjoy the game to much. I'm good at it. I'm the Queen of seduction. I enjoy the chase. I'm a predator in the dating world and I like to keep my menu full with a variety of meal options. But it would be nice to have something waiting for me at home in the fridge that I could reheat on occasion...

That's why Whore Week bored me. It was because I only got to sleep with the guys once. A one night stand isn't my thing. I like consistency. I want a chance to make sex better. I want to be around someone I'm familiar with. Someone who's company I can enjoy before and after the toss and tumble.


I've been dating a ton of guys these last few weeks. I've met guys out on the town and from the online dating world. They bored me. All of them. Well except for one...

I'm still a little smitten with The New Brit.  I met him while I was out on the town for Glasses birthday. He spent the whole night with me...allowing my crew and I to drag him around from house party to house party. He was an amazing kisser! I could tell he was sensual and would probably be a hoot in bed. The problem is I don't find him all that interesting as a person. He and I would never be "buddies". I wanted someone I could joke with. Someone who would get my sarcasm and could match my wit.

And just like that, the second I thought of what I wanted, an option was handed to me on a silver fucking platter...

"I just got an email from OkCupid telling me that you looked at my profile and that I HAD to message you because we were such a good match...anyway you happen to be cute and seem pretty cool too, sooo," the message read.

I had seen the guy before. Lord knows I'm on that site enough to have every face and profile memorized. From the photo he hadn't looked like anyone that I would be interested in. For one he was breaking two of my online profile picture rules. First, he posted a photo of himself with a girl. Photo paux pas number one. Second he posted a group shot of him and his friends. Luckily for him I didn't see anyone in the picture that was more attractive than him. I decided to respond. I mean atleast he didn't have any shirtless photos posted of himself...

"I've seen your profile a few times but honestly I can't tell if you're my type of not," I answer. "Its hard to tell in your photos so I've just skipped over messaging you...I know. I'm an ass."

"OUCH!" He sends back. "Why don't you read my extensive profile instead of just stalking my photos?"

"Ha, because I used to be married...for 10 years," I tell him. "One thing I learned about that experience is that physical appearance is very important. It just is. Plus I'm not looking for 'model' types. I have my own unique taste in men. Swagger has a lot to do with it too. Sucky part is that one can't tell something like that from an online profile..."

 "Alright then my dear, I guess you'll have to wait for my glorious return to mother-America," he sends back.

It turns out that he was in Japan for the week studying some form of Karate with the locals. We decided to Skype instead. I'm glad we did. I still wasn't sold on Karate guy so it was nice to put an animated face to the profile.

He was cuter than his photos. Or maybe it was just his attitude. The guy was a total kook! So my type. We joked and shit talked. We laughed. That was the best part. I love to laugh. We ended our conversation on a high note and made plans to see each other upon his return.

I sent him a message a few days before his arrival inviting him out with The Plex and I for Halloween. One of our favorite bands, Rhythm Coffin, was performing at the Queen Mary Haunted Harbor horror nights and we wanted to support.

I had never done that before. Invited a semi stranger out with my Plex Family? I'm not sure what motivated me to do it. I guess a part of me wanted to have my own plus one for once. Karate Guy was perfect. He was kooky and easy going. He didn't seem like the type of guy I would have to babysit. He also brought his own brand of crazy with him so I knew he would fit in perfectly with my Hipster crew.

We had a blast! Nails and his new girl joined Homeless boyfriend, Hippie Chick, Mr Boston and I. It was nice to have someone to grab onto through out the mazes and mayhem. I liked him. Not in a, I want this to be something more, kind of way. But possibly in a, can we just get naked and enjoy each other and then laugh and talk shit about our day afterwards, sort of way.

We made out a bit at The Plex when we got home. My roomies had all politely disappeared into their bedrooms to allow us some privacy. He was a decent kisser but I couldn't help but feel like he was holding back. He gave my leg a light squeeze during our make out session but that was about it. When he left he lightly placed his hands on my ass during our kiss goodbye but he applied no pressure. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for a guy to try to molest me everytime we makeout but...no wait. That's not right. That's actually exactly what I want. I do want a guy to try to molest me everytime we make out!

Why wouldn't he want to?

Let me be the one to hold you back! Let me be the one to tell you when enough is enough. How else am I supposed to know a guy is interested? I want uncontrollable animal like attraction. I want passion. I like it rough in the bedroom so come on guys, you've got to give a girl a little preview during the kiss and grope sessions. A girl like me can't be talked into sex but if you can prove its going to be good ahead of time I'll definitely consider it.

We don't speak the next week or so. I send an occasional text or two. Nothing personal. I just included him in a few group texts and messaged him to let him know there was a snippet of video posted of our trip to the Queen Mary. In the meanwhile I continued to date. I met a few guys while out and about and graced a few online hotties with my presence. Nothing happened interesting enough for me to want to share. Well with the exception of the hicky I was given last Saturday.

Now that pissed me off! Who the hell gives a grown woman a hicky!? I mean seriously? How old are we? I should have known better then to go out with a white boy straight off the boat from South Carolina. I had met him while waiting for my actual date to arrive at Hemingways Friday night. We made plans to hang out the next day and did a little heavy petting at his studio. We had a decent time and I probably would have liked to have seen him again if it hadn't been for the blood welt he left on my neck. I had a date planned with someone on Sunday. How inconsiderate could South Carolina guy be! Thank god I was able to reschedule. I prefer my men, all of them, to believe they are my one and only. The eye sore on my neck would have blown my cover for sure...but I digress...

I had a coffee date earlier this morning. Physically the guy was totally my type. Super tall lumberjack  with large hands and a deep voice. Unfortunately he was dull. Not in a boring kind of way, just in a, I want to settle down and have kids while we sit by the fire and drink wine, kind of way. Barf.

The conversation was fun, but I left the coffee shop wanting. I decided to give Karate Guy a call and see what he was up to. He lived on a boat in the Marina and a little boat rocking was sounding pretty damn good.


"Whats up lady," he answers.

"I'm bored," I tell him. "Whatcha doin?"

"I'm working on some plans for my new Dojo," he tells me. "I was about to head over there to take another look at it. Do you want to meet me there?'

"Yep, text me the address," I tell him.

We meet at his new studio and he shows me around. I hadn't known that he was opening his own school. I was impressed. I love an ambitious man.

He takes me to lunch next store. As always, it was fun. I spent the entire time breaking him down. His kookiness reminded me of The Creeper. I could see his wheels turning the same way Ol Creepface did. I found him interesting. A rare find indeed. I began to wonder what I wanted out of this guy. I still wasn't sure. Hippie Chick had asked me what I thought of him after our date on Halloween.

"He's cool," I answered. "He's funny and he held his own with everyone. That was nice."

"But your really not that into him are you?" She asks.

"No, not really," I respond.

"Yeah, I didn't think you were. I could tell,"she responded.

I let the conversation drop. I didn't feel like explaining myself. I didn't feel like explaining that even though I didn't see some type of long term relationship developing with Karate Guy and I, it didn't mean that I wanted to stop seeing him.

That's the part I'm tired of. What was the point of cutting off a guy just because I knew he would never be my boyfriend? Why did that mean that I couldn't enjoy his company from time to time?

We finished our lunch and Karate Guy walked me to my car. That's when he did something I hadn't expected. He decided to have a conversation with me about our relationship...and we all know how much I hate having conversations about my relationships. Especially when I'm not in one.

"Wait, are we in a relationship?" I ask him with a not so polite smirk planted firmly on my face.

"Well yes in a way," he answers.

I hate these talks! That's the whole point of not having a boyfriend. So that I don't have to talk about...anything. What happened to just feeling out a situation and going from there? I prepare myself for whatever he's going to say. I'd feel terrible if I started to laugh in the middle of what ever preplanned speech he had been working on.

"I think you are really cool," he starts with.

Oh god.

"...and you're really hot. I mean I find you attractive and all but I'm not really looking for anything serious right now."

Shit, this not laughing thing is going to be harder than I thought.

"And you think I am," I ask him.

"Well no...I don't know. I just want to let you know where I am," he continues. "I'm dating right now, I'm dating other people and ..."

"Do you think I'm not dating other people as well," I ask interrupting him.

"I don't know if you are, I mean you text a lot but that could be that you just like to text," he says.

"I like to text," I tell him.

The funny thing is I texted Karate Guy less than any of the other guys I was dating. It's amazing how easily a guy can talk himself into avoiding a girl because of his imagined misconceptions of her. I guess I really can seem hopelessly devoted to every guy I talk to. Good thing I didn't mention my coffee date to Karate Guy or the date I had set up for later that night during lunch. What can I say, I'm an amazing multi tasker...

"Ok," he continues. "I just got out of a really long relationship and at this point I'm just looking to have fun. I think you're hot and I would totally be down for a sex...I mean I'm not asking for sex, I'm just saying that I would be down for that...I just don't want relationship or..."

"Look," I say before he can continue with his painfully misguided speech. "I just broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago.. I'm not in a place where I want to date anyone seriously right now. But that doesn't mean that I don't date. I do date. Alot."

Now there's the understatement of the year...

"You know what I'm tired of," I say to him. "I'm tired of meeting people and sharing a moment of intimacy with them and then having them disappear. I do want a relationship in a way. I want someone who will be around. A friend who I'm comfortable with and can fool around with but who won't claim any ownership over me."

"So you're saying you would be down to have sex with me," Karate Guy asks.

"Ha, I'm not sure," I answer him. "I still need to do some research. (insert crotch glance here) I'd rather have no sex than bad sex."

"Yeah, the last few times that I had sex, it was bad," he answers me. "I'm pretty sure it was the girls fault..."

I laugh. I'm sure you do Mr Man.

"Well anyways, to answer your question," I continue. "No, I'm not looking for anything serious. I find you interesting and there are few people out there that I find interesting. I get bored easily."

"Yeah, so do I," he responds.

We take a beat, both quiet, just looking at eachother. There was really nothing else to say. I'm surprised. I expected to be annoyed by whatever "conversation" he wanted to have with me, but I wasn't. It was refreshing actually. Even if it was more than a little premature. I appreciated the fact that he came clean with what he was thinking and what he wanted. It made me wonder how many guys out there stopped talking to me because they thought I wanted more. Because they thought I was more invested than I was. Morons.

"Well I got to go," he says.

He moves in and gives me a hug. He pulls away and moves in for a kiss...that he plants firmly on my cheek.

"So we're cheek kissing now," I ask him.

"No," he replies with a grin. "I gave you the option to turn your head and go in for the real thing."

"Oh god," I tell him, grabbing his shirt and pulling him to me. "Stop making everything so damn difficult."

I press him against me and land one on his mouth.

"Nailed it," he says to me when we pull away.

I laugh. He was right. It was a good smooch.

I drove away, my wheels turning. What did I want from Karate Guy? A friendship for sure. He was strange and interesting. Definitely someone I would want to keep around. Plus he fit in with my friends. A rare find indeed. If I ever decided to bring a date to an event, he would be the guy I turned to for sure.

As far as sex? I wasn't sure. I still need to see more. More of what he could do. Was he a slow lover or a rough one? We all know what I like. I choose the rough over fake intimacy anytime.

I'd like to give the guy a chance. He seems like the type of guy I need right now. He doesn't live in my city, he's not apart of my friend group. I enjoy his company and he's not the type of guy I would ever fall for. Sort of perfect actually.

I guess only time will tell. For now, I've got a date to get ready for. I'll think about it tomorrow.

WCC

I was listening to this song while I wrote...enjoy...
http://youtu.be/rTQXWxSrCx8