Puppy

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         
Puppy, "I don't mean to sound cocky but you're having a hard time leaving too."

Me, "Don't pay attention to me. What I do and what I'm actually thinking rarely match up. Trust me. Your definitely going to hate me at some point."

Puppy, " I doubt I could ever hate you..."

Me, "Like I said, you will."

Puppy, "I can't see you being a psycho bitch."

Me, "I'm not. I'm just indifferent. You amuse me. That's all."

Puppy, "Well good thing I'm funny..."

...

The week after I sent The Rocker my, "See you next lifetime," text was a hard one. I immediately felt guilty. But my guilt quickly turned to anger. I mean why should I feel bad? I had finally stood up for myself and gave the jerk the boot. He never responded. Not that I thought he would. How pathetic is it that I still believed he would get his shit together and realize he loved me?  How sad am I for waiting for a phone call that I knew would never come?

The Plex camping trip was coming up the following weekend. A part of me wanted to ditch out. All I felt like doing was sitting at home alone, locked in my bedroom with my misery and maybe a carton of ice cream. But Hippie Chick wasn't having it. So I borrowed a tent from Partyboy, went to Target to purchase my water guns and bug spray, and away I went Friday night to the river.

I had expected to spend most of the weekend apart from the group longing for the moment where I could hide in my tent and cry myself to sleep. I should have known better. A few of the Hipster crew were with us. The Street Artist, his Twisty girl, Mr Boston, Hippie Chick, Homeless Boyfriend and maybe 4 or 5 others. We were joined by the members of the Cochella Tribe who have been rounding out our group lately during our Hollywood party nights.

The Cochella Tribe were another batch of Creative nuts that lived in Hollywood. The Hipsters may BE the party, but this nutty tribe were ONLY the party. Goodtimes and insanities turned into mass. They meshed perfectly with our group and had rolled out to join us on our camping adventure. All together we formed a colony of 31 heads.

I wish I could have video taped the weekends insanities. Let's just say I could create weeks worth of blogs on the weekends shenanigans.  There was booze and water fights and shrooms and acid...my fav, powdered courage (I'll just call it white chocolate). We checked out the Sequoias...Mr. Boston licked a tree's vagina (Don't ask) and tons of other nutty adventures to difficult to properly describe at this time. I will share one thing though. I met a boy. From the Cochella Tribe.

Apparently we've been in the same room on several occasions. Neither one of us remember meeting. His group of friends are almost as large as mine and all are virtual strangers to me. I didn't go to Cochella so I never had the opportunity to meet any of them one on one.

The first night we arrived at the campsite I didn't think anything of him. He was one of many faces I was meeting for the first time. But Puppy figured out a way to catch my attention. The old fashion way. By following me around like a puppy. It was cute. He was super talkative and funny.  Someone nice to pass the time with as everyone around the fire drank and set up tents. I was having a good time. I took a moment to walk down to the bathrooms with Hippie Chick.

"So I notice Puppy is all up on your ass," she says to me once we are out of ear shot of the group.

"Right?! I thought it was only my imagination. I figured maybe he was just like that all the time," I replied.

"Uh no. He's into you," she says laughing.

"Huh...well he's cute," I say back.

"Yeah he is," Hippie Chick replies, giving me her classic I can see your future grin.

"What's his story?" I ask her, ignoring her smile.

"He's a DJ," she tells me. "A pretty big one actually. Remember a couple weeks ago when we all went to Avalon? We went to see him. He's sort of the beacon of light in his crew. Almost like their version of our Street Artist."

I take it all in. I've heard of him before. I'm not really into guys who have a 'name' but he was cool and nice to hang with for the moment.

As the night got later I finally said my good nights and went into my tent to go to bed. I was excited to finally be alone and cry out my misery.

Hippie Chick had another idea.

"Where's Carrie," Hippie Chick asks Puppy after I had said my goodnights to him and zipped up my tent.

"She went to sleep," Puppy replies with a sad face.

"Well go and wake her up!," HC says.

"No its cool. She went to bed and besides, she said she just broke up with her boyfriend so...."

"Who cares!," HC says, shoving his shoulder. "We're camping dude! Have a good time. Go talk to her."

Puppy smiles and walks over to the ice chest to grab a beer. "Oh she likes these," he says to HC, grabbing an Ice lemonade for me.

Meanwhile I'm back in my tent changing for bed. I had just slipped on my boxer shorts and began to prepare the first of my tears when I heard a knock on my tent. I unzipped the flap to see a bottle being shoved through the opening.

"Oh, did you want that?" I say confused. I'm not sure why but my first thought was that he was asking if he could drink it.

"No, that's for you," Puppy replies smiling.

I take the drink as he takes a seat next to my open tent. We talked for another hour or so. The fire began to die down as the rest of the group slowly disappeared into their perspective tents.

I had just finished my drink and had turned my face to adjust my sleeping bag when Puppy made his move. In the few seconds it had took me to re-adjust my sleeping arrangements Puppy had sat up on his hind legs and moved in closer to give me a lick.

I was surprised! Not sure why. I should have expected that he would try to kiss me but I still wasn't prepared for it. I was so lost in my pain I hadn't came up with any sort of game plan for this. So I did the only thing I could think of. I let him.

The boy was a good kisser! He has very full yet firm lips which I always appreciate. He didn't try anything funny. He just grabbed the back of my hair and pulled me in for the smooch. We stayed locked in the kiss for around 20 minutes or so. It was nice. It was distracting. It was what I needed to get my mind off The Rocker.

The night began to fade into early morning. I finally sent Puppy on his way.
For the first time in a week, I slept...

The rest of the weekend went along pretty much the same way. Puppy would follow me around during the day, and make out with me throughout the night. It was easy and nice and deliciously distracting. I left the river feeling better than when I had arrived. I was still sad, but my feelings of devastation had subsided.

"Sooo, did you guys exchange numbers?" Hippie Chick asks me on the way home.

"No," I reply. "I'm good."

She laughs. "Dude, camping trip hook up...that's hot."

I smile and we continue our drive in silence.

I wasn't interested in continuing a relationship with the Puppy. I was and am still very much in love with The Rocker. Plus Puppy isn't really my normal kind of guy. I mean he is funny and kooky and attractive. My top three favorite attributes in a man. But he was smaller than I usually prefer my men. Even though he probably stood 5'9 or 5'10 he is small of frame.  He is also a DJ with a large enough name to cause me pause. I'm much to vain to share the lime light with anyone.  And he was a member of The Cochella Tribe so he partied in a way I wasn't into. I may be ok with having friends that partied hard, but when it comes to my men I prefer them to be atleast half as sober as I usually am. 

And let's not forget that he is apart of my inner circle. I knew that anything I started with him wouldn't end well. I didn't feel like having to live with him in my constant presence afterwards. I'm lucky that things between Partyboy and I have worked out so well, but I didn't want to chance it with another guy.

Once we got home I sat down at my computer and began to write. That's when I received the first of many text...from Puppy. Apparently I had given him my phone number after all. Damn alcohol.

I spent the next two days texting back and forth with Puppy, much to Homeless Boyfriend and Mr. Bostons dismay.

"We just want everything to stay cool between us and the Tribe that's all," Mr Boston says. "I don't want things to get awkward to the point where we have to start avoiding people."

"Look, if your really not into him you shouldn't be leading him on," Homeless Boyfriend says to me.

"How am I leading him on?" I reply. "It's just friendly chatter, I'm not doing anything."

The boys nod their heads in disapproval. What did they want from me? Ofcourse I wasn't that into him. I was just coming out of a break up. But he was nice and into me and what I needed to help keep The Lonely way. Why couldn't they understand that and let me have whatever bit of peace I could find?

A few days later Puppy invited me out to party with his Tribe. They had gone up to Hollywood blvd for the Kaskade Block party. It was total madness and what I thought of as the perfect 'nondate' event for us to attend together. Unfortunately our non-date turned into a rescue mission. If you saw the news that day you know that the peaceful event turned into a shit show. Kaskade made the mistake of tweeting out that he would performing free on the boulevard. Not so smart when you happen to be one of the biggest DJ's in North America. The results being that more people than the city was prepared to deal with arrived for the show. Police ended up rolling in with riot gear and sand bag guns to force the crowd to disperse...before Kaskade ever even hit the stage. The not so happy party goers responded by causing a small ruckus and lighting a cop car on fire.

I pulled up just in time to pick Puppy up.

"Dude this is crazy, I'm so sorry," Puppy says to me when he gets in the car.

"No worries, I'm just glad I was here to get you," I say back.

"Well everyone is heading over to my friends house. He's making steak fajitas and we're going to chill and have some drinks."

I hesitate for a moment. A wild block party is one thing. A house party with the two of us showing up together? Entirely another.

I didn't see any other choice so I went along. It was my first time hanging out with The Tribe alone.

"Aren't you part of the Hipsters?" One of the tribeswomen ask me when I walked through the door.

"Uh, yeah," I say back confused. " Is that Ok?"

"Oh, yeah yeah. I was just asking," She replies quickly changing the subject.

I asked Hippie Chick about the strange question the next day.

"Dude, that's how they are. They're a close group. They don't do anything without each other. She was probably just tripping out that you were there without us," she tells me.

Playing the night back I could see she was right. All eyes were on me. They treated me like I was Puppies new fiance and he had brought me home to meet the family.  My comfort was their first priority. I didn't leave the place until 5 am. Puppy walked me out and we spent about an hour hanging out and making out.

"Ok. I really need to go now.  I know it's hard but you're going to need to leave," I finally tell him.


Puppy, "I don't mean to sound cocky but you're having a hard time leaving too."

Me, "Don't pay attention to me. What I do and what I'm actually thinking rarely match up. Trust me. Your definitely going to hate me at some point."

Puppy, " I doubt I could ever hate you..."

Me, "Like I said, you will."

Puppy, "I can't see you being a psycho bitch."

Me, "I'm not. I didn't mean that. I'm just indifferent. You amuse me. That's all."

Puppy, "Well good thing I'm funny..."


He wasn't getting it. I was trying to make a point. I didn't want him to think that I was really that into him. I realize I had been locking lips with him for almost half an hour but that was normal for me. What can I say? I'm a girl who likes to make out. I didn't want him to read to much into it. There was no part of me that was being seduced by this situation...or him.

He pulls me in for one more good smooch and I finally pull away.
The next day I received more back lash from The Plex.

"Look, I understand," Hippie Chick says to me. " But the boys have a point. We are all friends with this group and they just don't want things to get weird or awkward when you break things off with him."

I don't say anything. I was frustrated. What was I doing wrong? We had hung out one time! But I have to admit, part of me got what they were trying to tell me. I didn't want him to think there was anything real going on between us either. I have enough self awareness to know that I was in no position to be dating. I knew a part of me was just using him. Using him to feel better.

No, that's not it. I wasn't using him to feel better...I was using him so that I wouldn't have to feel. I didn't want to remember, or think about the love I had lost. I wanted to numb the pain and ignore it. I was like a cup with a hole at the bottom of it trying to fill itself up. I'm empty and needy as all hell.  The Plex was right. I needed to end it or atleast lay out the reality of the situation for the guy.

I decide to send Puppy a text, "Look, I don't want to sound over dramatic or like a total girl but I'm the type of person who kind of says everything that is on her mind so here I go..."

"Okay, give it to me," Puppy responds.

"See I just broke up with my boyfriend so anything or anyone that I see right now sort of has an expiration date on it. I just don't want you to read to much into whats going on between you and I. I'm still sort of a wreck," I say.

"That's cool, I already knew that," Puppy sends back. "We're just hanging out and having fun. Don't worry about it."

Okay. Well that should take care of that.  Or so I thought.

The next day Glasses was having a launch party for his companies new line of vintage leather accessories. It was being held at a gorgeous new warehouse he had decided to permanently rent out for parties and such. Hippie Chick and I got glamed out in sequence for the event. I chose a vintage sequence top with a pair of shorts, leggings and my black booties. Hippie Chick wore something similar with a golder reef laid atop her head. The room stopped and took notice of the two gorgeous disco balls walking through the room.

After saying hello to the crew I noticed a couple of the girls from the Cochella Tribe were there. I walked over and within seconds the conversation turned to Puppy and I.

"I really like seeing him with you," one of them say to me. "The girls he usually dates are stupidly young groupies with no brains. Once a girl actually wanted to play a game where she would drink some Jack Daniels and then spit it into his mouth..."

"Ew," I answer back making a face.

"Right?!" she continues, "You guys are cool though. I mean I love you and I love him...I know your just dating and all but he's really happy with you. I can tell."

I smile, but don't answer back. I wasn't speechless from the cuteness of it all but because what she said was totally freaking me out! It had been a long time since I had dated anyone within my circle of friends. Actually I had only done it once with Huge Asshole, and we all know how that one worked out. I didn't like this feeling! I didn't like being on display for everyone to see. I didn't like everyone giving their opinions on what I was hoping would be a non subject.

I went home that night anxiety ridden. I hated this! I didn't want to be in a relationship or dating or the center of anyones attention right now! I just wanted to be alone in my misery. I thought Puppy was cool and it was nice hanging out with him but I most definitely did not want to make this into a "thing". I wanted to end it. I figured if I stopped dating him then the attention would go away and I could go back to my sulking in peace.

The next night The Plex and I found ourselves back at the Cochella Tribes house. We were hanging out listening to music and having a few drinks. Puppy was not there. He had left a few days before on tour. He was scheduled to arrive back the next evening. He had been texting me the whole time. Its funny. I had been lucky to get one text a week from The Rocker. Puppy on the other hand? I received atleast one text an hour.

It wasn't strange. His text were simple and funny and easy going. And I have to admit, I liked the attention. He had text me earlier that night right before he was hitting the stage to play. There he was, up in Canada somewhere, texting me right before he stepped in front of thousands of people. Take that Rocker. Now that's how its done.

I get a text from Puppy saying, "I hate to ask this, and you can totally say no but do you think there is anyway you could pick me up from the airport tomorrow? I can take you to dinner afterwards to pay you back."

I hesitate. My usual answer would be, "No problem, you got it man." But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was afraid that he would think that it meant something. For the last few days I had been considering cutting him off completely, now he wanted me to pick him up like we were a couple?

I get up and sit next to Hippie Chick to ask her opinion.

"Dude just go. Tell him he'll owe you one and that you will think of ways he can make it up to you later," she says with a mischievous grin.

"No!," I say laughing. "I don't talk to him like that. That's my point. I want to keep things casual and cool."

"Then do that," she says. "Just go get him and don't make a big deal about it."

"About what," one of the group asks overhearing us.

"Carrie needs to go pick someone up from the airport tomorrow. Can you guys guess who?" shes answers back.

"Oh you don't have to ask us...we know," the room answers in unison.

Great. I'm so going to have to end this 'romance' asap.

I pick up Puppy the next day from the airport. On our drive back to his place I decide to lay it on him.

"So I've been sort of freaking out the last few days," I tell him.

"What do you mean," he asks.

"I'm not used to dating someone in such a fish bowl. Everyone is involved in this and I don't like it," I tell him.

"Have they said something? What happened?" he asks concerned.

"Everyone has had an opinion. The Plex is concerned that you and I will end up fighting and that we will break up the Hipster/Cochella Tribes. Its like they're afraid of some sort of  reversed West Side Story thing going on.  Instead of our "love" tearing the Tribes apart, our eventual "hatred" will. As if you and I will end up causing a war," I tell him.

He laughs at this. "Its funny how everyone is involved in this and has a problem with it except for the two people who are actually involved."

"It hasn't all been negative," I say. "Your friends are actually being cooler about it. But that's the thing. I mean one of them was telling me how happy I make you. That freaked me out! I don't want to be the source of anyones happiness right now. I can't handle that. I'm trying to get my own shit together. I don't want to be involved in someone elses emotional well being, you know what I mean?"

"I'm sorry they said that," he answers back. "They had no right to say anything."

"It's fine. I know they meant well," I tell him. "I just never normally date anyone within my circle of friends. I'm not liking the attention. Honestly all I've been thinking all week is how I want to just stop doing this. I'd rather not date than deal with all this."

"You are so cool," he says to me smiling.

"What? Why?," I ask confused.  That was not the response I had expected. I look over at him. His head is cocked and he's grinning at me. I have to admit, as numb and unfeeling as I am right now, the boy is pretty damn cute.

"I love that you're telling me this," he answers back. "I'm glad your saying it. Look, don't stress. I know that you don't know a whole lot about me but I know a little about you. And what you probably don't realize is that you and I are in similar situations. I want the same thing you want. I just want to be chill and have fun. I just enjoy having the human contact. It's nice to have someone warm to hold onto every now and then you know? So relax, you and I are cool. And we'll stay that way. I'm not worried about it so neither should you."

I relax a bit after this. I mean he's right. Up to this point things have been super chill with this guy. He may constantly text and Facebook me but it hasn't been weird. That's just the type of guy he is. He's a man in his twenties. 26 to be exact.  The same age as Huge Asshole. They were a completely different type of generation. They texted and Skyped and Tweeted.  Communication is easy and constant.

You know what I realize? There's a recipe...a sort of pattern to rebounds. They're not chosen at random. There's a pattern to them. After I broke up with Huge Asshole I got with Nutty as a Fruitcake. Nutty was not my type at all but he gave me something that I had been craving from HA. He gave me attention. He adored me. He thought I was wonderful every second of everyday. A big change from Huge Assholes constant ignoring and put downs. It looks like I did it again. I had found The Rockers mirror image in Puppy.

The Rocker and I had rarely spoke on the phone. He was a terrible texter. Every date had to be a production. All I had ever craved with him was simplicity. I just wanted to kick it in his space whenever I could. That's what Puppy provided. He called, texted, and IM'd me all the time. He asked me to join him and his friends for dinner. We made easy movie plans. He would invite me over to just watch TV. I actually fell asleep on his couch the other day for 4 hours as he just went about his day. He was always available to me. Whether he was at home, the airport, recording his radio show or at the Studio. He lived by his phone and laptop so communication was a piece of cake. It was just a way of life for him.

Puppy knew he was a rebound and didn't care. He had basically told me I was the same to him. Things were easy and simple with him and I appreciated it. And he was a Creative. One that could help me and my girls. We had already began making plans for putting on a show together. He's playing at Nocturnal next month so we were talking about a collaboration between the two of us. He would play a set just for us and we would hit the stage in body paint and little else and rock the night. It was a perfect give take relationship...one where neither one of us cared who the giver or taker was.

A few nights later we went out together to a club. It was an interesting experience. Puppy was approached a dozen times by adoring fans. Men and women.  But as much as he was approached so was I. Puppy keeps his distance with me. I know there's a part of him that is afraid of scaring me away still. When we're out together there is no hand holding. The casual observer would think we were just friends.  And not close ones at that. One of the guys who had been hitting on me on and off through out the night decided to try to get my number.

"Sorry, I'm here with someone," I tell him, noticing Puppies eyes on us.

"Oh, you have a boyfriend," he asks.

"No, but I'm here with someone," I tell him again.

"Oh, sorry," he responds and runs away. Literally runs through the crowd. Weirdo.

Puppy comes over to sit next to me. "What was that all about," he asks me.

"Oh nothing. He was just hitting on me and got freaked when I shot him down," I reply.

He just smiles at me. I take a good look at him. He really does actually sort of look like a puppy. He has a round face with soft light brown eyes that are always half closed. Sort of reminds me of Droopy the dog. And there's something about his teeth that turn me on. I know how that sounds. I just like the way they look when his mouth is partially open and the bottom of his upper teeth are grazing the outside of his lips. They're straight and white and perfect. I look at his mouth and then do something I never do. I kiss him. I could tell he was surprised. I was a little drunk and I was loving the music and lights and the random attention the two of us were getting.

That night made me think. I'm still thinking. Is this what I should do? Is this who I should be? Puppy represented a totally different lifestyle for me. Totally different from the life I could have had with The Rocker. The Rocker represented the type of life I used to have. The type of person by nature I am. He was safe and normal. He was fancy dinners and movie nights. Time with the family and fun night outs that ended at reasonable times.  He was love and safety and warmth.

Puppy represented my creative side. He is apart of my groups Hipster lifestyle. With him I would always be the plus one to every event in and out of town. We would Be the party together. A virtual King and Queen of our Tribes. With him things would be relaxed and fun. Guys his age don't think about the future or there consequences. They relax. They don't stress. With him I would be a different person. I would be all Creative. The real me would be lost and I would be the pure ego and bravado of WCC. I would live in the Darkness The Hollywood Guru so often talks about.

Our relationship would be pure simplicity and goodtimes. Simplicity without love.

Its appealing. After all, I've given up on love. The Rocker took it from me.  He broke my belief in it. I loved him so much. I love him still. It hurts. I don't know how to let it go. I don't want to. In order to let it go I would have to let him go and I'm not ready to do that yet.

I know I will eventually have to allow the loss and pain to pass through me. I know I will have to cry and be depressed and alone. I know that I will have to fight The Lonely yet again. Face to face. Gloves off. Round...oh who's counting anymore? I've beat him back before, but this time around I'm unsure of a victory.  The Rocker left me broken and weak. I'm afraid of facing The Lonely alone.

So for now?  I hide. I rebound. I party. I pet my Puppy.

Go ahead Lonely. Try and find me.

WCC