"Hello Heartbreak, I've been expecting you..."

"Put your love into someone who loves you," Glasses text to me.

Simple words, but powerful enough to help me do what I should have done a long time ago. I promptly called The Rocker. And broke up with him....

After our talk I thought things would get better. And in a way, I guess they did. He called more. He text a few times. We made plans to spend the following Sunday together. He showed up that morning and I felt the familiar tug on my heart the moment he walked through the door. Man there's no denying it. I'm totally and completely in love with this guy...

We drove to Belmont Shore to meet up with Dimples and her husband for brunch. And that's when it happened. That's when Dimples asked a question that shoved the wedge that had already begun to form between The Rocker and I deeper into my heart.

"So what have you two been up to?" She asked.

A simple question. Should have been a simple answer. The thing was, it made the two of us pause. Pause because there was no 'you two'. We hadn't been up to anything. Atleast not together. She didn't want to know how I've been. She didn't want to know how he had been. She wanted to know how we had been as a couple. She wanted to know how we had been spending our time together. What she didn't realize was that we havn't been spending anytime together. That morning was only the second time I had seen him in a month.

The question bothered me for the rest of the day. It made me realize that I was still hurt. It made me realize he was still distant. He was with me, but he wasn't really WITH me. I could feel him holding me at an arms distance. And I hated it. I couldn't figure out why he was still doing that to me. To us.

The day was great. We met up with one of my dancers after brunch at a park near downtown Long Beach. A bunch of hippies get together there the first Sunday of every month to potluck and share in the beauty of each other. We had fun teaching The Rocker how to spin Poi Balls, and we all took a shot at learning how to walk on a tight rope. Later that night we headed back to Hollywood to watch Ghostbusters at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

I should have been excited to be with him there. I should have been excited to be sharing one of my favorite places with one of my favorite people.  But I wasn't. There was a moment where I was sitting on a low chair I had brought along with us. The Rocker was leaning up against me on a blanket. During the movie I was rubbing his back and giving him occasional kisses, feeling sad the entire time. He had been very sweet to me the all day. We had a great time together. But things still weren't the same. He was accepting my affections but I didn't feel any in return. Not in the way I used to feel them. Not like before.

For the last month I haven't been able to shake the feeling that every phone call, every time he saw me was like he was doing me a favor or something. It still felt that way and I hated it.

That night we were both exhausted. We showered together and then he jumped into bed and closed his eyes. Without having sex. Now, I realize that some girls would be ok with that. But not me. I'm a boy. I'm a woman in her early thirties. I'm a woman in love. I don't care how tired I am, I want my man. And considering we had barely seen each other over the last few months I thought that he would want me too.

Instead, he wrapped me into his arms and promptly fell asleep. I lay there in the dark, staring at the ceiling, fighting back the tears for half an hour.

"He's exhausted," I told myself. "He's had a long week and we had a really long day. It's ok. There's always the morning. I need to stop being so sensitive."

I finally fell asleep. The next morning I waited. Waited for his passion. Waited for his desire. It never came. I eventually took matters into my own hands...or rather my mouth. I went down on him. It did the trick...and made me even sadder. Is that where we were now? Was I really at a place where I had to give my guy head in order for him to want me?

We spoke a few times after Sunday. The following Thursday he left me a voicemail telling me that he couldn't make the camping trip I had invited him to. The Plex and 38 of our nutty friends have been  planning a camping trip up to the river these last few weeks. I was hoping The Rocker would be able to come along. He couldn't.

"I hope you're doing well and I'll talk to you later!!" His voicemail said.

The thing was, I wasn't feeling well. I had felt exhausted and weak since last Monday. I woke up Friday with a hundred degree temperature. I was in tears all morning because I couldn't find anyone to cover for me at work. I was forced to go in at 3pm and work until 10pm. A very dangerous venture for someone like me. My fevers can easily turn deadly. Any illness can easily double in its pain and intensity. I should have been home. I should have been resting. I wanted to call The Rocker. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted his, "Poor babies" and his, "I'll be there for you when I can's".

But something stopped me. It could be because I knew he wouldn't answer. Or maybe it was because I still felt hurt and angry over the way he had ignored me over the last month. Maybe it was because I no longer believed that he actually cared about me anymore.

Or maybe I didn't want him to know I was sick because I didn't want to be anymore a drain on his life than I already felt I was. He was filled with anxiety just dealing with me when I was well.  Why would he want to deal with me when I was sick? So I didn't call...and neither did he.  For six days.

That's when I knew. I had to do it. I had to leave him. Ha. Leave him? That's the thing isn't it? He had already left me. He just didn't have the strength or guts to say it.

I text Glasses to let him know what I was planning to do. He always has a level head and cares about me so I value his opinion.

"Put your love into someone who loves you," Glasses immediate text back to me read.

His words hit me like a ton of bricks. He was right! It was time to exit stage left. There's nothing here for me anymore.

I left a message for The Rocker asking him to call me after band practice that night. He did. And that's when I did it. I broke it off.

"Look, I love you," I told him. "But I love me more. And being with you is making me feel bad about myself...and I'm not ok with that."

That's when he did something I hadn't expected. He cried. We both cried. The whole conversation. It made me think, made me believe that maybe this guy actually did love me. We talked for over an hour.  So much was said. Hell, it was the best conversation we've had in ages.

"I love you so much," he said to me. "I don't know what it is. For some reason this relationship has been filling me with anxiety. And I know it isn't you. Trust me, I've tried to find some fault in you, but I can't. You haven't done anything wrong. I still love you. I still find you attractive. I mean I don't know if it was the distance or..."

"Ofcourse it was the distance," I say, interrupting. "You and I hadn't built a strong enough foundation to be apart for that long. And you stopped talking to me! You started having arguments with yourself. In your own head. And it wasn't fair. It had nothing to do with me yet I'm the one who has been paying the consequences."

"I know this is selfish. I know this is probably just my pride, but can I still talk to you?" He asks. "I mean, if you need something. Anything at all, will you call me? I want you to know that I'm here. I will always be here. When times get bad will you let me be there for you?"

Hell fucking no.

Ok, I didn't say that. Part of me was actually touched. But more of me was pissed off! I mean seriously? If I had a dime for every time a man has made me this offer I would be a rich fucking woman. Every ex I've ever had has asked if they could be the one I go to in times of need. I don't get it.  Why would I want to do that? I mean this guy has been ignoring me for over a month. This guy was just letting me walk away. This guy has let me go. But he still wants me to call him if I need something? He never answers my calls now. How was I supposed to count on him after we were broken up?

"Ok," I say to him.

What? There was nothing else I could say! He was leaving a door open for me. So I took it. Because the truth was, I didn't want to do this! I didn't want to break up. I loved him. (I love him still) Nothing had changed for me. I told him so.

"This sucks because while you've been arguing with me in your own head, I've been sitting here still loving you," I tell him. "Nothing has changed for me. I haven't changed. I'm the same person you met a few months ago. It's funny because when I met you I was the one not ready for a relationship, but you said you were remember?"

The Rocker grunts in agreement.

"But things changed for me because everything was so easy," I continue. "Loving you was and still is... effortless."

"God, I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and its breaking my heart," he says. "I remember how excited I was that I had found such a positive and happy person. And now here I am, the one who is confused and unhappy with myself."

"Well, atleast I'm doing something positive for you now," I say. "Atleast now you can feel some kind of relief. You don't have to deal with us anymore."

"I don't know what I'm feeling right now but I can assure you, it is not relief," he says.

I'm surprised by his answer. The same way I was surprised by his tears. I had no idea how strongly I had believed that he didn't care for me anymore.

We continued to talk. It felt good. For the first time in along time he was being real with me. He was open. He was himself again. It gave me hope. Maybe everything would be ok? Maybe we could pull through this?

"I just hope that this will give YOU some relief," he says to me.

"Relief?!" I answer shocked. "None of this makes me feel any better. None of this feels good to me.  Do you remember what you said when I asked you if this was normal for you? When we first started dating?  I asked you if you normally felt this way about a woman when you first me her?"

"Yes," he says. I can hear the pain in his voice. "I said no. I said that both of us had been in significant enough relationships in the past to know that things like this don't just happen. We both knew that this was special. We were special."

"Exactly," I said. "I love you. This is rare for me. And it's hard for me to let that go. I don't feel like I'm breaking up with you. I feel like you left me a long time ago. I'm just the one to say it out loud. So I can assure you that none of this is giving me any kind of relief."

We talked more. We cried more. We finally hung up.

"I love you," he says to me with conviction.

"I love you too," I answer.

And that was it. 

I rolled over and went to sleep, my mind blissfully blank. The next day I felt a shot of adrenaline running through my veins. I was high as a kite. Almost happy. Happy because I now knew that The Rocker still cared. I now knew that The Rocker actually did love me. I had spent the last month believing otherwise. I had spent weeks trying to stay out of his hair so that he wouldn't leave me. But now I had left him and he was finally talking to me again. He was finally being real.

That night he called me again. He was driving to his parents to spend the night up in the Valley. We didn't talk about the break up. We didn't talk about us. He simply vented about work and I filled him in on my crazy week. We hung up amicably. It was a good conversation. Easy and simple. The way things used to be.

"Maybe this is what we needed," I said to him at one point. "Maybe we just needed to get rid of the titles so that we could be us again."

The next day my adrenaline rush ended and I came crashing down. Hard.

I was sad. What had happened? Only 4 months had passed and The Rocker and I were already done? I have never in my life had such a short romance. I have never in my life slept with a man and had it end so abruptly. I have never said, "I love you" to someone and had it end so unceremoniously. Without a fight. Without trying to fix things.

I said to him once, "My love has no expiration date for you."

It still holds true. I love him and my heart was breaking.

It was Saturday morning and I knew that I wouldn't last the weekend without seeing him. I left him a voicemail letting him know.

"I know you're leaving on your work trip on Monday and I will be camping after that so I want to see you this weekend," I say on his machine. "Either today or tomorrow, I don't care when or what time. I just need to see you, so pencil me in."

This was it. I needed to know. I needed to look him in the eye and see if there was anything left between us. I needed to know if our love was strong enough to get us through this or if I needed to finally let us go.

He text me back later that night, "My buddy from San Diego is stopping by at my folks and he's gonna crash here or at my house and we are gonna have a day tomorrow. So I'm thinking I probably won't see you."

Ouch...Big Ouch.

There I was, falling apart. There I was hurting down to the very depths of my pathetic little soul! I wanted to see him. I thought he would want to see me. He had seemed hurt when I broke up with him.  He seemed like he still cared. But he didn't. I was wrong. He actually had been relieved. He was relieved and now he was making plans to spend his last weekend in town with anyone but me.

And that was it. That's when it hit me. The real anger. The true sadness. The actual heartbreak.

"Hello heartbreak, I've been expecting you...," I heard a voice say in my head.

He broke me. It had took almost a year get here.  Almost a year to pull myself back together after my last break up and become happy with just being me again. In 4 short months, in a bat of an eye, The Rocker has broken what was once whole. He broke me.

"That's too bad," I text back. "Next lifetime then."

There's a quote I heard once that I've always tried to live by, "Never make someone a priority who only thinks of you as choice."

His text was the answer I needed. We were done. The Rocker did not love me. Maybe he had once. But times had changed. He's "love" now left me cold. It left me wanting. It left me alone.

I'm done. Done with him. Done with relationships. I think I had it right the first time. Fuck love. Fuck men. Time to go back to what I do best. Time to put all these assholes back on blast.

WCC is back! Forgive me. I never should have left. I was a fool for believing. I was a fool for caring. Men only want what they can't have. Once they have it they freak. They don't know what to do with it.  They don't know what to do with me.

The Rocker has no idea what he has lost. I would have loved him forever. I hate to say it but a part of me always will.

My love for him was real. More real than any I have ever felt before. Therefore my pain is greater. I'm going to crawl back into my shell now. It's time to hand over the reins.

She's back. I'm back! The bad ass, smart ass who puts men on blast. I am...West Coast Fucking Carrie.

It's time to have a blasty blast.

WCC

Oops! Almost forgot.
RIP Rocker....you will be missed.