The Lonely

It finally found me. What I've been running from for almost four years now...The Lonely.

I couldn't hide from it anymore. I've been to sad. I miss The Rocker. I'm hurt over how Ego Dog treated me. More than anything I'm just tired.  Tired of dating. Tired of getting hurt. Tired of having to start over, time  and time again.

Before The Rocker came along I was good. I was content with just being me and hanging with my friends. But then I fell in love. Out of no where I was struck across the face by Cupids bow.  I resisted at first, but then finally melted into the comfort of it all.  For 2 whole months I was deliciously happy.

I miss being happy.

People often ask me if I would ever get married again.  They're shocked to hear that I hope I do. I miss being married. I miss waking up every morning and knowing exactly where my place was in the world.  I miss knowing that no matter what happened in my life, my husband would be by my side. There was no doubt, no jealousy, no fear. We loved each other enough to stand together before God and promise him that we would take care of each other forever. Why would we ever doubt each other after doing something like that?

Maybe that's part of the reason why I'm wandering now. Maybe that broken promise set off some sort of karmic backlash from the Heavens. One where I was destined to bounce in and out of relationships for all of eternity.

I know I'm probably exaggerating as usual. The point I'm trying to make is that I don't want to wander anymore. I want to find my place in the world again.

I miss The Rocker, but he wasn't, 'The One'. The One never would have let me walk away. The One would not have doubted. Would not have been afraid.  He was a Cool Rider. I know that without a doubt. That man thrilled me. He made me feel like a silly girl and I let him know in every way I could that I was his for the taking. But it still didn't work out because I forgot one very important character trait.

I needed a man who also wanted me back.

I had told myself that I would never settle for anything less than a Cool Rider...and then I did. I started in with Ego Dog when I knew he didn't have what it took to make me forget. Forget that I was an Alpha Female.  Forget that I didn't need a man.  Forget that I was afraid of love and make me stop and pay attention to the opportunity that stood before me. Instead I settled for a boy, and a heartless one at that.

I've been running from The Lonely because I didn't want to hear it's message.  What I've been afraid of this entire time was hearing these three simple words,

"You need love."

Real love. The kind I had before when I was married. When I was safe. When I knew my place in the world.

I made The Lonely into some sort of twisted beast who stalked me at my weakest. One that would rear it's ugly head after every break up. After every let down. After every disrespecting prick wronged me. A beast that wanted to rub in my pain. One that wanted to break me down and make things worse for me. But I realize now that that's not what it's been trying to do.  It's actually been trying to help me.


It's been trying to help because The Lonely...is me.


I need to listen. I need to let go. I need to not be afraid. I need to be open. I need to not settle and chance the pain in hopes to find what it is that I really need...Love.

I'm still afraid. But I trust The Lonely. I trust me.

Thank you dear reader. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sticking with me during my journey. I'm sorry it took me this long to figure things out. 


West Coast Carrie wants to find love.


Oh lord, this can't be good.


WCC