Huge Asshole

I spent the day with Huge Asshole today. Before you start to judge let me explain...

Last week my car was hit while parked outside The Plex. I heard the crash and remember thinking, "That was my car." I was right.

Homeless Boyfriend, Mr. Boston and Snapshot were in the living room when it happened. It was 1pm on a Wednesday afternoon. They looked out the window and saw a small white sedan attached to my car in the middle of the street.

"Carrie!" Homeless Boyfriend yells not realizing I was safe in my room hopping around to my latest workout DVD addiction. I just bought Metamorphoses by Tracy Anderson and have been faithfully following the workout regime and meal plan for nine whole days. I was sweating my ass off in my bedroom as The Plex and most of the neighborhood ran out to the street following the crash. I finished up my workout and jumped into the shower, oblivious to the chaos happening outside.

Once the boys got downstairs and looked through the windows of my empty car they realize the guy had hit it while it was still parked. Homeless Boyfriend said the occupants of the white sedan were hilarious. They were two clean cut kids, paralyzed behind the windshield, mouths dropped open. The driver still had his hands locked to the steering wheel.

HB came back inside and knocked on the bathroom door.

"Uh, Carrie? I don't mean to ruin your shower but your car was just hit and is now sitting in the middle of the street. You should probably come out here." He tells me.

"Ok," I call back calmly. "I'll be right out."

I wasn't upset. Only concerned that the people who hit it may leave. But I knew the guys would make sure to keep them there, so I quickly dried off, threw on some clothes and ran downstairs.

It was a wreck. My car had been facing north, the driver had hit it while driving South. He must have really been speeding because he managed to hit my car hard enough to send it flying across the street into another parked car. Snapshot and Homeless Boyfriend both had their cameras out taping the scene.

The two kids were sitting on the grass on their phones across the street.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I was just driving and turned to talk to my friend and it just..." he trails off, gesturing towards the war scene in front of us.

I looked at his passenger. His face was still white with shock.

"Scared the shit out of ya huh?" I ask him.

"Oh my god yes!" He replies, relieved that I understood.

Five hours later, insurance companies had been notified and my rent a car reservation had been set. I knew my car was totaled.

"You don't seem all that upset about this Carrie," Homeless Boyfriend says to me later.

"Not really," I say. "I really really needed a new car anyway so this is sort of a blessing."

Two weeks later I received $6000 for my car and was set to buy a new one.

I received the check on a Monday night. I wasn't off until Wednesday so I spent that day and the next scouring Craigslist for a new car. I finally found one. It was within my price range, had low miles and a clean outer and inner body. Excellent!

I woke up early Wednesday morning so that I could run to the bank and then make the drive to Fullerton to check out, and hopefully pick up the car. I just had one problem. I had no one to go with me.

"I can help you this weekend," Mr. Boston offers. "I'll be off and I'm not going to EDC."

Homeless Boyfriend and Hippie Chick were heading out to Vegas for the insane rave, Electronic Daisy Carnival. Mr. Boston and I were staying behind. When it comes to deserts and raves, I'm a no show ever since I almost died at one. But that's a story I'll save for another time...

"Thanks, but today is the last day that my insurance will pay for my rent a car so I have to make this happen." I tell him.

I had been trying to get a hold of my dad for two days to see if he could help me out. He was a car salesman for 25 years and the only person I knew that would be off today. But he had yet to return any of my calls. My next option was to call Partyboy. He would definitely be off. He would be useless as far as helping me with negotiations or checking out the inner workings of the car, but he has a drivers license and could atleast  help by driving my new car back to The Plex.

"No," I think. "I don't want to call him."

I knew he would help. I just didn't want it. Partyboy and I may be friends but I still have my issues with that guy. I didn't want to ask him for anything.

"Screw it," I thought. "If I like the car I'll just buy it, park it somewhere, and get someone to help me bring it back later."

Satisfied with my decision I headed over to the bank to cash my check. I was excited. Excited to be getting my new car and proud that I was doing it alone. I felt self sufficient and grown up and independent. I felt great! Until the bank told me that they were putting a two day hold on my check.

"What?! Why can't I just cash it?" I ask them with just enough panic in my voice to make them pay attention.

"We're sorry, but we can't cash it. There is always an automatic hold on checks of this kind." The Teller tells me.

Huh? The check was issued directly from my car insurance. It wasn't like I had walked in with a personal check from Iam Fruad.

After a few fake tears from me and  a quick visit from one of the bank managers I finally got them to cash the check by midnight that night.

I left the bank deflated. What the hell was I going to do?! I only had today to do this. Plus I didn't want to loose out on this car. It was perfect for me. I got behind the wheel of my rent a car and began to drive...then immediately pulled back over. I was close to tears. Who would help me now? Who would be off, willing to spend the entire day doing this and had the money to lend me so that I could buy the car? That's when it hit me. There was only one person I knew that could do it.

Huge Asshole.

"I can't call him," I thought. It wasn't right! Or was it? I mean the only reason we weren't talking was because of me. I cut him off. To punish him for being an asshole in life. I already knew he wanted to talk to me. He would give anything to see me. He hated that I was no longer a part of his life. The selfish prick wanted to be able to dump me but still have me around.

And the truth was, part of me wanted to see him. I wanted to see how it felt. I wanted to know if I was really over him and us. I wanted to know if it still hurt. I didn't think it would. I felt fine. But you'll never know if you're actually over something until the cause of your original pain is standing in right in front of you.

"I wonder if The Rocker will be pissed," I thought next.

No. He wouldn't. That's one of the many reasons why I loved The Rocker so much. He isn't jealous. He isn't insecure. It didn't bother him that I still hung out with Partyboy. It didn't bother him when I went out with my friends. He didn't get angry if I was hit on and he never questioned me or my where abouts.

I asked him once why he was so secure.

"Well, the best way I can describe how I feel about things is by comparing it to the X-man movie," he says to me.

I laugh. Intrigued I ask him to continue.

"It's like that scene between Scott (Cyclops) and Logan (Wolverine)," he says. "You know the one? Where they are talking about Jean? Logan says to Scott, 'Is this the part where you ask me to stay away from your girl?' Scott replies back, 'If I had to tell you that, then she wouldn't really be my girl.' Well that's how I feel about it. Maybe I'm being naive..."

"No," I tell him immediately. "Your right. You shouldn't worry about it. And if you have to, you shouldn't be with that person in the first place."

He had nothing to worry about with me. I was his through and through. But I still wanted to tell him. I wanted to let him weigh in on what I should do. I wanted to call him and ask if he thought calling Huge Asshole was ok. More than that I wanted to talk to my boyfriend and vent about what had just happened. I was upset and wanted to hear his voice.

But I knew I couldn't. He was at work and wouldn't be able to answer. Even if he had been home the chances of him answering his phone were slim. I still hadn't seen him in weeks and the few phone conversations we have had have been short and impersonal.

"Fuck it! " I thought. "I need help."

I pick up my phone and text Huge Asshole, "Busy?"

What? I was desperate. I had no one else to call. No one else who could help. The Rocker wouldn't be mad and honestly I didn't even know if he and I were even together anymore. For all I knew we were done and he was just shoving me aside until he could get around to letting me know it.

Huge Asshole responds within 2 minutes.

"Negative dear. What's up?"

I laugh to myself. He knows the only reason I would contact him was if I needed help.

"Huge favor...beyond...if you're even able," I send back.

He just replies with a, "?"

Here goes nothin.

"So my car was hit while parked the other day and was trashed. I just got my check yesterday and I think I found a car in Fullerton but now I have two problems. 1.) If I like it I have no one to help me drive it back. 2.) The bank won't clear my check until tomorrow....Ok, I lied I have 3 problems. Today is the last day they will pay for my rent a car."

I hold my breath. I'm not sure what he will say. He could be an ass and make me beg. He could just flat out  say no. He could laugh at me and ask why my boyfriend wasn't helping me or something smart ass like that.

He simply responds with, "No sweat. Lets go."

Relief spreads through me...until his next text.

"Oh god, I'm totally The Ex now huh? haha."

I immediately feel guilty. I had wrecked my car a few years ago. For a month Huge Asshole had tried to find a new one with me. Well not help so much as bitch and complain and make my life harder every step of the way. He had acted like my car search was a drain on his life.

"This is never going to end!" he screamed at me once while we were driving away from yet another unsuccessful car viewing. The funny thing was, I actually liked that car. He was the one who had shot it down, just like he had with the dozen before it. Huge Asshole used to be a mechanic and generally didn't trust people let alone car sellers. Every time I found a car I was excited about he would shake his head no behind the car dealers back and then walk away to let me deal with the no thank yous and good byes.

After that trip, I decided to cut him out of my car search. I called The Ex. He had already offered to help, but I had told him not to worry about it. My boyfriend had me covered. Stupid me. I should have took him up on his offer in the first place.

The Ex gave me a time he was available. He found a car for me online. He negotiated over the phone with the seller and sent me the information so that I could look at the car myself. I took Dimples husband with me to check the car out. Satisfied, I bought the car 3 days after the fight I had with Huge Asshole.

He was livid! He tried to hold back his jealousy and anger. He had to. I mean what was he angry about? That someone else was willing to help me when he wasn't? Without complaint and without expecting anything back from me in return?

"Sorry. You can say no," I text back, immediately feeling guilty. "You know I would never ask but the bank just stressed me out and I don't what else to do."

I'm ok with asking The Ex for help because I know he loves me. Without conditions. Without expectations. If he ever needed me I would be there for him as well. We may not be lovers any longer but he was still family. And family is there for you no matter how much time has passed since you last seen them.

But Huge Asshole wasn't family to me. He was an ex. An ex that I hated asking for help, but I was in a bind and the guy did owe me.

"No I was kidding," he texts back. "I'm getting in the shower. See you when you get here."

I send back a simple, "Ok."

I drive the familiar route to his house. As I get off the freeway my stomach flips. Not because I was excited. Not because I was nervous. It flipped out of fear. I had made this trip a thousand times to see him in the past. My worst fear would be that we were together again and I was making this trip so that could see him. My worse fear would be getting back with this guy.

I pull outside his house and text him that I'm out front.

He comes running out, wearing a simple t-shirt and jeans. I can smell the familiar scent of his cologne as he jumps in the car. I laugh to myself. He almost never wears his cologne.

"Whats up dudey?" I say to him.

"Hi!" he says back.

Nothing. I feel nothing. No nervousness, no love, no anger. I'm perfectly at ease. Excellent.

The ride to Fullerton was almost...fun. No. Not fun. Familiar.

I try to use my GPS to find the place. He yells at me to put it down and learn the streets around his house for once. Same old argument. Same old teasing. I scowl at him and pretend to comply, secretly placing my ear piece in my ear so that I can still hear my GPS directions without him knowing.

We make the drive down to Fullerton and check out the car. For the first time ever, the guy is actually helpful! He immediately pops open the hood and starts asking questions. Satisfied, we move into the office and start the negotiating.

I was able to talk the guy down $500. Its still a little more than I wanted to spend, but I really needed a car so I feel confused and pressured to end this.

"Excuse me, is there anyway you could leave us alone for a moment?" Huge Asshole asks the guy.

"Sure no problem. Just let me know when you're ready. I'll be out front," the Dealer says back.

Then Huge Asshole did something he had definitely never done before. He turned to me asked me what I really wanted. He helped me weigh my options. He helped me focus. He helped me decide that I wanted the car and told me not to worry about the price.

"I'll get him to take more off," he says to me.

We call the guy back in and he does just that. He was able to drop the price another $200.

I smile. This guy wasn't half bad. Sometimes Huge Asshole could almost be...a man. But I know it was only temporary. This guy would never last. By nature Huge Asshole is selfish and lazy. He was making an effort today to get in my good graces, but it would only take a few weeks for him to morph back into his normal self. He had done it a dozen times before. But today, I had the nice guy. And I was happy to have him here. He helped. As he should. For once.

The Dealer began to fill out the paperwork. I notice Huge Assholes leg is bouncing up and down like a pair of humming bird wings. I reach over and place my two fingers on the top of his knee to stop the bouncing. We look at each other and both smile. Its a gesture I had done a thousand times. Familiar.

I pick up my phone to check the time. "Dude, that screen is crazy, let me see it," Huge Asshole says, grabbing my phone.

I have a pattern lock set on my phone. I had pulled it out several times and unlocked it to call the dealer on our way up here. Huge Asshole takes the phone into his hands and without a seconds hesitation, traces the correct pattern to unlock it.

Mother Fucker.

My immediate reaction was to reach out for my phone. I was afraid of him looking through my texts. Looking through my photos. Looking through my shit. But then I realized, I have nothing to hide! We weren't together anymore. I had nothing to fear.

Leave it to him to ruin a perfectly nice day together by reminding me of what an insecure jealous stalker he is. He had always been jealous. I have to admit that in the beginning I liked it. I thought he was being protective. I thought it was sweet when he would walk me to the bathroom when we were out. I loved that he would text me when I was out without him to see how my night was going. I thought it was awesome that he would keep an eye out for me no matter where we were.

Sweet quickly turned into obsessive. Walking to the bathroom turned into asking permission to go. Keeping an eye out for me turned into standing by his side the whole time or with pre-approved friends to look after me. He started to question every text. Every phone call. I would have to give him detailed reports of my where abouts if I went out without him. All of which was unnecessary since he usually would be texting me the entire time I was out.

He got worse when we had got back together after I had dated Nutty for a year. That's when he asked me for the passwords to my social networking sites. "We're a couple," he told me. "We should have nothing to hide from each other." One night he actually got out of bed in the dark and picked up my phone. He went into the bathroom with it thinking I hadn't seen him.

I was livid! I confronted him the second he came back into the room.

"What the hell do you think your doing?!" I hissed at him in the dark.

He had nothing to say. I jumped out of bed, grabbed my shit and left.

I never should have went back.

His jealousy hit its boiling point when I went to Vegas for Dimples Bachlorette party. He forced me to send him a photo of what I was wearing that night. I sent him a photo of my skin tight one shoulder short white dress and 6 inch BCBG platform heels. I mean it was Vegas? What else would I be wearing?

He was pissed! "Why do you always feel the need to wear shit like that?" He text me.

"Like what?" I replied.

"Like a whore. You always need to be the center of attention don't you?" he sends back.

I was hurt. I dress the way I think looks the most flattering for me. I dress to compete with my girlfriends. I dress to feel confident and sexy and to feel like...me.

I never cheated on the guy. I never did anything inappropriate with guys while out. I generally don't even really like men. I hate being hit on. I was out looking good having a good time with my girls. That was it.

 Even though the guys were in Vegas at the same time, we never saw them. However it felt like Huge Asshole was with me the whole time. He text me every fifteen minutes. I was Dimples Maid of Honor and had organized this whole trip. There I was trying to shuffle around 12 drunken bridesmaids through the strip club/club hopping limo drive that I had planned out for them, texting my psycho freak out boyfriend the entire time.  He wouldn't stop! He gradually got crueler and crueler. He went from concerned to asshole to psycho within hours.

By 4am I had had enough.

"Dude, that's it. I'm done with this, and you." I text him.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He sends back.

"Your mean! Your really really mean. I don't deserve this. I'm a good person and I haven't done anything wrong. I don't want to be treated like this anymore. Goodnight, and goodbye," I send him.

I turned off my phone and went to sleep. When I woke up the next morning I had 15 missed text messages.They started off cruel then eventually tapered off into crying land.

"I can't believe your not answering me when you know I'm freaking out like this," one text read.

14 insane text later he finally sends, " I'm so sorry. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but I really do love you and I was just freaking out and being an asshole."

Now there's the understatement of the year.

That's when he pulled a low blow. It was Fathers day, and he told me that his dad wanted us to go by his house for dinner when we got back from Vegas. He knew how much I loved his dad. He knew I wouldn't cancel on him. So I went and forgave him. Again.

I reached over and took my phone back from Huge Asshole. I don't say anything. He wants me to notice. He wants me to comment. So I don't.

Once we finish up the paperwork, we all shake hands and head out to the cars. I give him the keys for the new car and he follows me in my rental back home. After we drop off the rent a car I stop by The Plex to grab a jacket before we head out for dinner. The poor guy hasn't eaten all day and I know that he expects a good meal out of this.

We walk into The Plex together and say hi to Homeless Boyfriend sitting at his desk. I had called Hippie Chick on the way home to tell her what had happened today and that we would be stopping by the house before dinner.

"Young lady!" HC had yelled at me over the phone. "You are in so much trouble! Just wait until I get back home!"

She had to head back to work so I knew the coast would be clear when I got there. Homeless Boyfriend and Huge Asshole exchange hello's. They didn't know each other well, but they had met once or twice in the past. I'm immediately filled with guilt. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, but I still hated the fact that all of this was going down and I hadn't spoken to The Rocker once.

I quickly grab a jacket and head out with HA to dinner. As we sat there eating our meals, he began to vent his brains out to me. He told me about a fight he had got into with his dad and stepmother. He told me about the stresses he was having with one of his brothers. He told me about mutual friends that he didn't like to talk to anymore because he thought they were "fake". He complained and talk down on everyone and everything that was happening his life.

"Wow," I thought. "He is still totally the same person. Narrow minded and judgemental and petty and cheap. Thank god our relationship crashed and burned. This so not a person that I would want to love and be with anymore."

I didn't say any of that to him ofcourse. I just sat there quietly and allowed him to vent.

"Sorry," he eventually says to me. "I don't really have anyone I can talk to anymore. Not the way I use to talk to you that is."

I just smile and say, "It's ok. I don't mind."

I feel sorry for the guy. I had changed so much in the last year since he and I had been together. But he was still the same person. He still trusted no one. Not even himself. He was still in the same place in life and in his head.

We finish dinner and I make the trek back to his house. We pull out front just I was deep in the middle of a Highlander story so I get out and finish it while he smoked a cigarette. Just as I'm finishing up his mom shows up.

"Hi, how are you?" I say to her as I head over to give her a hug. I definitely could have done without a mommy meet and greet right now, but I suck it up and say hello none the less.

"Hey you, " she says back with to me with her British Martha Stewart accent. Both of his parents were born in England. I often wished that their charm and sophistication would have rubbed off on Huge Asshole. They didn't.

Without comment she heads into the house. It was time for me to leave.

I walked over to Huge Asshole and gave him a quick hug.

"Thank you so much," I say to him.

I give him a quick squeeze around his torso. He is almost 6"3 and towers over me. He bends his head and kisses the top of mine.

I walk to my car without further incident. I'm happy. I have my car and I survived an almost pleasant day with Huge Asshole.

As I drive home I pull out my phone to call The Rocker. It goes to voice mail.

"Hey, it's me," I start pathetically, wondering if I should tell him who 'me' is. "I'm not sure what time your off but um...just give me a call when you can."

He thankfully calls back within 2 minutes.

"Hey, how are you?" he asks me, followed by a huge exhausted sigh. This has become his new greeting towards me. A hello followed by an emotional drawn out sigh. I hated it. It made me feel like such a drain. I immediately decide not to mention Huge Asshole. I'd rather wait until I saw him and he was well rested.

"I'm good," I say to him, adding extra energy to my voice. I didn't want him to feel drained by me. I wanted him to know that I didn't need anything from him. I just wanted to share my good news. "I got a car!"

"Really!? That's great. What did you get," he answers, thankfully with more energy.

I give him a quick run down about what my car looks like. When I'm done he starts to talk about when we could see each other. We decide on Friday night.

"Great, so I'll see you Friday maybe," he tells me. "Is that good?"

"Well yeah, except for the maybe part," I answer back. "Why maybe? I thought we agreed?"

"Well, yes. It works for me. I guess I was just thinking in case you couldn't make it," he says back.

"Dude, I can make it at anytime and any date. I've just been waiting on you," I tell him feeling agitated. "I haven't seen you in weeks...I mean how do you feel about all this?"

I did well at keeping the irritation out of my voice because the truth was, I knew wasn't angry. I was hurt.

"Honestly, I haven't had two seconds to even put an answer to any questions like that," he says back to me still sounding exhausted. "Let's just sort all this out on Friday ok? I need to go back to work. I'm still here."

"Ok, I'll see you Friday then," I say back. We hang up.

I'm upset. Hurt. Confused and more than anything afraid. He may not realize how he felt but I did. It sounded like he was done. With us. With me.

I look down at my phone and see that I had received a text while I was on the phone. Surprise surprise, it was Huge Asshole. I should have seen this one coming.

It reads, "I find it funny how spending a little time with you can totally make my week and totally ruin it at the same time, hah I know you understand what I mean."

Uh, not really.

Ok, that's a lie. I know what he's trying to say. I just don't share his feelings. He didn't make or break anything for me. I feel less for him than I do a middle school boyfriend. He was just someone from my past who helped me out of a bind today. That's it.

I don't respond right away. My mind is a million miles away. I'm trying my best to hold back the tears. What was going on with The Rocker? What had changed. I know I didn't do anything. I hadn't seen him to be able to do anything wrong. Maybe he had decided that he was too busy for us? Maybe he wanted to break it off? That would suck. There is nothing worse than a guy stringing you along for weeks just so that he can eventually get you alone and dump your ass.

I get home and walk into Hippie Chicks bedroom.

"What the hell did you do?!" She asks me.

I plop down on her couch and give her a run down of my day ending with the conversation I had with The Rocker.

"There's something going on with him," she says to me, her wheels noticeably spinning. "Why don't you just tell him that you're coming over tonight. Tell him you are bringing over massage oil and some food and you are going to talk now."

My stomach flips in horror! I would never!

"No way dude," I respond. "He would not be ok with that. I don't even think he's home yet. And I learned my lesson after I told him about my blog. Having deep conversations with the guy is never a good idea when he's exhausted."

I turn my face away from her as I start to tear up. This is so draining! This has never happened to me before. I've had plenty of breakups, but never because someone just decided to shut the door on me for no reason. I mean nothing bad had happened! We never fought. We always had an amazing time together. What had gone wrong? Was it all a lie?  Had he been faking this whole time? Is this what he did? Found unsuspecting women online and dated them just to fuck with them?

"Carrie!" Hippie Chick yells at me concerned. "Don't do that! That's it. We're putting you back on OkCupid. I want the old Carrie back. You need to have fun again."

"I feel sorry as hell for anyone who dates me after this," I say back to her. "If this doesn't work out lord help the next man because the real me will definitely be gone. I will totally let WCC take the reins again."

We laugh and I try to pull myself together for her.  I don't want to bring anyone else down. This is my problem. I needed to figure this shit out on my own so that I could move past it.

"Oh, check out what Huge Asshole text me earlier," I say, handing her my phone so that she can read his text.

"Wow, " she says. "Did you send anything back?"

"No, not yet. I don't even know how to respond to that."

"Don't," she says. "Just ignore him."

"I can't," I tell her sighing. "He really helped me today, and I still owe the fool money."

I text him back, hoping that I can make a joke of his statement, "Yeah, my week is totally ruined now lol, thank you again."

"No problem," he replies immediately, even though his original text had been sent an hour before. "Glad I could help. Well I'm glad I ruined yours too atleast...But atleast you got a car out of it ha!"

Huh? You didn't actually ruin my week dumbass.

"You know whats amazing to me," I say to Hippie Chick after I read his response to her. "Here I am in tears about The Rocker, and here this fool is trying to flirt with me. I mean the guy is talking like he and I still have some sort of connection. He couldn't possibly believe that I still love him could he?"

"Probably," Hippie Chick says. "This was probably the highlight of his year. Plus think about it. He will never again get a women as good as you. From this point on it's all downhill for that looser."

Dying to change the subject, I text him if his mom mentioned anything about me being there. Bad call.

"No, she doesn't have to ask. She probably just assumes we're moving in together or something hahaha," he answers.

Wow. I can't even deal. I stop texting and head into the kitchen to prepare my lunch for work the next day. An hour later he sends another text.

"I thought it was funny," it reads.

I sigh, and reply, "Yes funny. Borderline absurdity."

Huge Asshole: "Ehh if I were ever to breathe your name to my family they'd probably assume we would be married in a week haha. K goodnight."

Oh my fucking god! Now he's actually starting to piss me off. This whole time I've been trying to keep things on the friend tip and this guy wants to try and create some flirty 'we are still so in love' atmosphere that quite honestly sort of makes me want to vomit. The only way I was able to get through the day was by not thinking of him as someone I use to date. I just thought of him as...someone familiar that would help me.

I didn't feel shit for Huge Asshole. If forced to attach any type of past emotional feelings towards him I would have to choose disgust. The way he treated me and the way things ended were not ok. It's still not ok. I consider him a lesson learned. I remember everything, especially the way he made me feel. And it was not good.

I stop texting him and instead shoot a text over to the only person I was actually interested in speaking to. The Rocker.

"I hate how stressed you sounded earlier...Please don't let it be over me. I love you to pieces. I'll see you Friday. Goodnight," I send.

The more I thought about it, the more I knew I was right. I hadn't done anything wrong. I think he felt guilty. Guilty for not seeing me. I felt it everytime we spoke. I could hear the anxiety in his voice. I didn't want to be the cause of that. I wanted him to know that I understood and I was here and I still loved him. I mean what the hell? I had nothing to loose. If he was planning on breaking up with me he would have to do it without my help. I wasn't going anywhere until he told me he didn't want me anymore. I meant it when I said I loved him. If he didn't he was going to have to man up and tell me himself. As for me, my love had no expiration date.

He responds to me an hour later with, "You are such a darling. I really, really can't wait to see you Friday night. I'm happy about your new car and I love you!"

I was already in bed, silently crying into my pillow when I received this text. My heart immediately flips with joy! This was one of the only genuine text that I had received from him in weeks. I was so excited that I had finally found the right words to say to get him to remember who I was and how I felt about him.

I wipe my tears and run into Hippie Chicks room to show her the text.

"See," she says to me. "Everything is going to be ok."

I love my friend. The eternal optimist.

Not having a chance to show her the retarded messages from Huge Asshole earlier, I hand her my phone as I try to think how I should respond to The Rocker. His text was sweet and I wanted to acknowledge it. I didn't want to send anything he would have to respond to but I did want it to be sweet.

I decide on sending a, "xx" and punch it into my phone the second  HC hands it back to me.

Can you guess what happened next? That's right. I looked down and realized that I had just sent kisses to Huge Asshole! I quickly try to delete the message before its sent.  I'm not sure if I caught it, but I sure as hell wasn't going to text him again to  check. I resend the kisses to The Rocker, this time carefully checking the name before hitting send.

He texts me back immediately, "Xxxxxxxxx + xxxxxxxxxx"

I resist the urge to text him a smiley face. It was the best conversation we had had in weeks and I didn't want to ruin it. Still unsure if Huge Asshole I had received the kisses or not I decide to shoot him a text about the unsuccessful money transfer I had tried to make earlier instead.

"Bank lied, money hasn't gone through yet. I'll check again in the morning."

I hold my breath. Please oh please say those x's didn't go through...

"That's ok. Don't sweat it. You know I'm not worried about it," he replies. I breath a huge sigh of relief.

Until I read is follow up text. "What's xx?"

It's official. God hates me.

"So sorry. I'm an asshole," I reply. "I text it by accident. Hippie Chick distracted me, blame her...I thought I stopped it before it was sent."

"Did you just send me kissses. Ooooh I'm so telling your boyfriend," he text back teasingly.

Ugh.

"Ha...so not funny," I say.

I know he's just trying to get a rise out of me.  He wants me to think he is just trying to annoy me. But I know his true intentions. He wants to tease me and create inside jokes between the two of us, outside of The Rocker. Like a couple would. Of which we were not.

"I'll tell him anyways. He'll think it's much funnier than I do...that's what I get for not paying better attention to who I'm texting," I say to him.

I wanted him to know that there would be no inside jokes between he and I. The Rocker was my man, not him.

"Awww, mistaken kisses," he says whining. "Now my week is really ruined...haha, I'm gonna go sit in the shower in the fetal position now ass ;)"

Ugh. I swear, no matter what I say the guy can still figure out a way to twist it into something about us. As if! Screw this! It's time to be straight up with the guy. My side stepping obviously hasn't been working.

"Oh please. You know a million times over that I would never send anything like that to you. It was nice hanging out with someone who was my friend at one time, but no sparks. Ass."

I added the Ass part at the end in an attempt to be cool. I know my message is pretty rude, but I just can't take it anymore! I feel nothing for this guy, except growing annoyance.

"Wow," he says, obviously hurt. "Totally joking man. Don't be so sensitive. You know me, if I had anterior motives I would've acted on them...Once your friend? So you're telling me I'm just some random who is there for you at the drop of a dime and you can't help but get along with, but I'm not a friend? :("

Yeah. Pretty much.

"No. Now who's being sensitive? I meant I didn't think of you...," I pause. I don't know what to say. 

A very big part of me knew that he would help me. And for the most part I hadn't felt guilty asking.  Like most of my exes, I knew he will always be there for me. I don't mind asking any of them for help occasionally because dammit they owed me! I had been wonderful to each and everyone of these fools. I just so happened to be the best thing that ever happened to them. Hell, for most of them I will always will be.

I gave alot to my exes. I don't fall in love often but when I do I give it my all. I do nothing half ass. I gave and they all took. In the end they realized what they had. In the end they realized what I gave. In the end every single one of them felt and still feel guilty as hell. Thats why they jump at the opportunity to help me. Its a way for them to set things right, and also a way of keeping me in their lives. I know that's what Huge Asshole has been craving. It drives him crazy not having me in his life in some capacity. He still wants to know me and more than that he still wants to be someone special to in my life.

The problem is, he's not. He did so much damage to us that I can barely muster one nice feeling about him and our past. All I see is....a Huge Asshole. I can be friendly and cool. I mean we were friends as well as lovers at one time. But I can't give him what he wants. I can't lie. I don't feel for him what he still feels for me. I don't love him anymore. Not in the slightest.

I don't want to say any of this to him. I don't want to flatter him or lie in anyway but I don't want him to feel used either. I text him the only truth I can stand behind.

"Look, you were there for me just like I would be for you if you really needed me. I'm not sure what to call us, that's all."

It ain't poetry, but atleast I'm being honest.

"I consider you someone whom I know I could rely on in a pinch no matter what," he replies, apparently trying to answer the question for both of us. "So yeah, you're like a friend that I don't have to see for years but could feel right at home with when I do."

Ok, I'll give him that.

"Yeah, that sounds about right," I respond. I'm not sure if I completely agree, but I'm too tired and emotionally drained from my Rocker issues to care.

I stop texting. I figured I'd leave things on a high note. I climb back into bed and try my best to fall asleep.

It was a long day and I'm so happy it's finally over! I'm even happier that I finally know the next time I'm going to see The Rocker! One way or the other all of this is going to end. I've felt paralyzed these last few weeks. Unable to move with or on from The Rocker. At this point a breakup is sounding pretty good. Atleast it would end the day to day agony of living in the unknown.

One thing that I know for certain is that he still loves me. His last text help reaffirm that. I don't know what he's been freaking out on but it definitely has nothing to do with anything I've done. I think maybe he's been freaking out on the perception he has of me. Of what a 'typical girlfriends' reaction would be to all this.

He thinks I'm angry. I'm not. All I want is for him to talk to me. To tell me what the hell was going on! I can't stand this, "We'll discuss it when I see you" crap. Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with breaking up with someone via phone or text. I mean, why would I want to see someone in person for something like that? Why would I want the pleasure of watching them walk away from me? Shoot me a text and be done. No explanations necessary. Say you don't want me and I'm out.

My mind starts to race again and I once again try to clear it. I need to fall asleep! I just need one happy thought. Just one dammit!

I can only think of one. I can now officially say, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am no longer in love with Huge Asshole.

I roll over and finally fall asleep.

WCC