"Hello Heartbreak, I've been expecting you..."

"Put your love into someone who loves you," Glasses text to me.

Simple words, but powerful enough to help me do what I should have done a long time ago. I promptly called The Rocker. And broke up with him....

After our talk I thought things would get better. And in a way, I guess they did. He called more. He text a few times. We made plans to spend the following Sunday together. He showed up that morning and I felt the familiar tug on my heart the moment he walked through the door. Man there's no denying it. I'm totally and completely in love with this guy...

We drove to Belmont Shore to meet up with Dimples and her husband for brunch. And that's when it happened. That's when Dimples asked a question that shoved the wedge that had already begun to form between The Rocker and I deeper into my heart.

"So what have you two been up to?" She asked.

A simple question. Should have been a simple answer. The thing was, it made the two of us pause. Pause because there was no 'you two'. We hadn't been up to anything. Atleast not together. She didn't want to know how I've been. She didn't want to know how he had been. She wanted to know how we had been as a couple. She wanted to know how we had been spending our time together. What she didn't realize was that we havn't been spending anytime together. That morning was only the second time I had seen him in a month.

The question bothered me for the rest of the day. It made me realize that I was still hurt. It made me realize he was still distant. He was with me, but he wasn't really WITH me. I could feel him holding me at an arms distance. And I hated it. I couldn't figure out why he was still doing that to me. To us.

The day was great. We met up with one of my dancers after brunch at a park near downtown Long Beach. A bunch of hippies get together there the first Sunday of every month to potluck and share in the beauty of each other. We had fun teaching The Rocker how to spin Poi Balls, and we all took a shot at learning how to walk on a tight rope. Later that night we headed back to Hollywood to watch Ghostbusters at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

I should have been excited to be with him there. I should have been excited to be sharing one of my favorite places with one of my favorite people.  But I wasn't. There was a moment where I was sitting on a low chair I had brought along with us. The Rocker was leaning up against me on a blanket. During the movie I was rubbing his back and giving him occasional kisses, feeling sad the entire time. He had been very sweet to me the all day. We had a great time together. But things still weren't the same. He was accepting my affections but I didn't feel any in return. Not in the way I used to feel them. Not like before.

For the last month I haven't been able to shake the feeling that every phone call, every time he saw me was like he was doing me a favor or something. It still felt that way and I hated it.

That night we were both exhausted. We showered together and then he jumped into bed and closed his eyes. Without having sex. Now, I realize that some girls would be ok with that. But not me. I'm a boy. I'm a woman in her early thirties. I'm a woman in love. I don't care how tired I am, I want my man. And considering we had barely seen each other over the last few months I thought that he would want me too.

Instead, he wrapped me into his arms and promptly fell asleep. I lay there in the dark, staring at the ceiling, fighting back the tears for half an hour.

"He's exhausted," I told myself. "He's had a long week and we had a really long day. It's ok. There's always the morning. I need to stop being so sensitive."

I finally fell asleep. The next morning I waited. Waited for his passion. Waited for his desire. It never came. I eventually took matters into my own hands...or rather my mouth. I went down on him. It did the trick...and made me even sadder. Is that where we were now? Was I really at a place where I had to give my guy head in order for him to want me?

We spoke a few times after Sunday. The following Thursday he left me a voicemail telling me that he couldn't make the camping trip I had invited him to. The Plex and 38 of our nutty friends have been  planning a camping trip up to the river these last few weeks. I was hoping The Rocker would be able to come along. He couldn't.

"I hope you're doing well and I'll talk to you later!!" His voicemail said.

The thing was, I wasn't feeling well. I had felt exhausted and weak since last Monday. I woke up Friday with a hundred degree temperature. I was in tears all morning because I couldn't find anyone to cover for me at work. I was forced to go in at 3pm and work until 10pm. A very dangerous venture for someone like me. My fevers can easily turn deadly. Any illness can easily double in its pain and intensity. I should have been home. I should have been resting. I wanted to call The Rocker. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted his, "Poor babies" and his, "I'll be there for you when I can's".

But something stopped me. It could be because I knew he wouldn't answer. Or maybe it was because I still felt hurt and angry over the way he had ignored me over the last month. Maybe it was because I no longer believed that he actually cared about me anymore.

Or maybe I didn't want him to know I was sick because I didn't want to be anymore a drain on his life than I already felt I was. He was filled with anxiety just dealing with me when I was well.  Why would he want to deal with me when I was sick? So I didn't call...and neither did he.  For six days.

That's when I knew. I had to do it. I had to leave him. Ha. Leave him? That's the thing isn't it? He had already left me. He just didn't have the strength or guts to say it.

I text Glasses to let him know what I was planning to do. He always has a level head and cares about me so I value his opinion.

"Put your love into someone who loves you," Glasses immediate text back to me read.

His words hit me like a ton of bricks. He was right! It was time to exit stage left. There's nothing here for me anymore.

I left a message for The Rocker asking him to call me after band practice that night. He did. And that's when I did it. I broke it off.

"Look, I love you," I told him. "But I love me more. And being with you is making me feel bad about myself...and I'm not ok with that."

That's when he did something I hadn't expected. He cried. We both cried. The whole conversation. It made me think, made me believe that maybe this guy actually did love me. We talked for over an hour.  So much was said. Hell, it was the best conversation we've had in ages.

"I love you so much," he said to me. "I don't know what it is. For some reason this relationship has been filling me with anxiety. And I know it isn't you. Trust me, I've tried to find some fault in you, but I can't. You haven't done anything wrong. I still love you. I still find you attractive. I mean I don't know if it was the distance or..."

"Ofcourse it was the distance," I say, interrupting. "You and I hadn't built a strong enough foundation to be apart for that long. And you stopped talking to me! You started having arguments with yourself. In your own head. And it wasn't fair. It had nothing to do with me yet I'm the one who has been paying the consequences."

"I know this is selfish. I know this is probably just my pride, but can I still talk to you?" He asks. "I mean, if you need something. Anything at all, will you call me? I want you to know that I'm here. I will always be here. When times get bad will you let me be there for you?"

Hell fucking no.

Ok, I didn't say that. Part of me was actually touched. But more of me was pissed off! I mean seriously? If I had a dime for every time a man has made me this offer I would be a rich fucking woman. Every ex I've ever had has asked if they could be the one I go to in times of need. I don't get it.  Why would I want to do that? I mean this guy has been ignoring me for over a month. This guy was just letting me walk away. This guy has let me go. But he still wants me to call him if I need something? He never answers my calls now. How was I supposed to count on him after we were broken up?

"Ok," I say to him.

What? There was nothing else I could say! He was leaving a door open for me. So I took it. Because the truth was, I didn't want to do this! I didn't want to break up. I loved him. (I love him still) Nothing had changed for me. I told him so.

"This sucks because while you've been arguing with me in your own head, I've been sitting here still loving you," I tell him. "Nothing has changed for me. I haven't changed. I'm the same person you met a few months ago. It's funny because when I met you I was the one not ready for a relationship, but you said you were remember?"

The Rocker grunts in agreement.

"But things changed for me because everything was so easy," I continue. "Loving you was and still is... effortless."

"God, I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and its breaking my heart," he says. "I remember how excited I was that I had found such a positive and happy person. And now here I am, the one who is confused and unhappy with myself."

"Well, atleast I'm doing something positive for you now," I say. "Atleast now you can feel some kind of relief. You don't have to deal with us anymore."

"I don't know what I'm feeling right now but I can assure you, it is not relief," he says.

I'm surprised by his answer. The same way I was surprised by his tears. I had no idea how strongly I had believed that he didn't care for me anymore.

We continued to talk. It felt good. For the first time in along time he was being real with me. He was open. He was himself again. It gave me hope. Maybe everything would be ok? Maybe we could pull through this?

"I just hope that this will give YOU some relief," he says to me.

"Relief?!" I answer shocked. "None of this makes me feel any better. None of this feels good to me.  Do you remember what you said when I asked you if this was normal for you? When we first started dating?  I asked you if you normally felt this way about a woman when you first me her?"

"Yes," he says. I can hear the pain in his voice. "I said no. I said that both of us had been in significant enough relationships in the past to know that things like this don't just happen. We both knew that this was special. We were special."

"Exactly," I said. "I love you. This is rare for me. And it's hard for me to let that go. I don't feel like I'm breaking up with you. I feel like you left me a long time ago. I'm just the one to say it out loud. So I can assure you that none of this is giving me any kind of relief."

We talked more. We cried more. We finally hung up.

"I love you," he says to me with conviction.

"I love you too," I answer.

And that was it. 

I rolled over and went to sleep, my mind blissfully blank. The next day I felt a shot of adrenaline running through my veins. I was high as a kite. Almost happy. Happy because I now knew that The Rocker still cared. I now knew that The Rocker actually did love me. I had spent the last month believing otherwise. I had spent weeks trying to stay out of his hair so that he wouldn't leave me. But now I had left him and he was finally talking to me again. He was finally being real.

That night he called me again. He was driving to his parents to spend the night up in the Valley. We didn't talk about the break up. We didn't talk about us. He simply vented about work and I filled him in on my crazy week. We hung up amicably. It was a good conversation. Easy and simple. The way things used to be.

"Maybe this is what we needed," I said to him at one point. "Maybe we just needed to get rid of the titles so that we could be us again."

The next day my adrenaline rush ended and I came crashing down. Hard.

I was sad. What had happened? Only 4 months had passed and The Rocker and I were already done? I have never in my life had such a short romance. I have never in my life slept with a man and had it end so abruptly. I have never said, "I love you" to someone and had it end so unceremoniously. Without a fight. Without trying to fix things.

I said to him once, "My love has no expiration date for you."

It still holds true. I love him and my heart was breaking.

It was Saturday morning and I knew that I wouldn't last the weekend without seeing him. I left him a voicemail letting him know.

"I know you're leaving on your work trip on Monday and I will be camping after that so I want to see you this weekend," I say on his machine. "Either today or tomorrow, I don't care when or what time. I just need to see you, so pencil me in."

This was it. I needed to know. I needed to look him in the eye and see if there was anything left between us. I needed to know if our love was strong enough to get us through this or if I needed to finally let us go.

He text me back later that night, "My buddy from San Diego is stopping by at my folks and he's gonna crash here or at my house and we are gonna have a day tomorrow. So I'm thinking I probably won't see you."

Ouch...Big Ouch.

There I was, falling apart. There I was hurting down to the very depths of my pathetic little soul! I wanted to see him. I thought he would want to see me. He had seemed hurt when I broke up with him.  He seemed like he still cared. But he didn't. I was wrong. He actually had been relieved. He was relieved and now he was making plans to spend his last weekend in town with anyone but me.

And that was it. That's when it hit me. The real anger. The true sadness. The actual heartbreak.

"Hello heartbreak, I've been expecting you...," I heard a voice say in my head.

He broke me. It had took almost a year get here.  Almost a year to pull myself back together after my last break up and become happy with just being me again. In 4 short months, in a bat of an eye, The Rocker has broken what was once whole. He broke me.

"That's too bad," I text back. "Next lifetime then."

There's a quote I heard once that I've always tried to live by, "Never make someone a priority who only thinks of you as choice."

His text was the answer I needed. We were done. The Rocker did not love me. Maybe he had once. But times had changed. He's "love" now left me cold. It left me wanting. It left me alone.

I'm done. Done with him. Done with relationships. I think I had it right the first time. Fuck love. Fuck men. Time to go back to what I do best. Time to put all these assholes back on blast.

WCC is back! Forgive me. I never should have left. I was a fool for believing. I was a fool for caring. Men only want what they can't have. Once they have it they freak. They don't know what to do with it.  They don't know what to do with me.

The Rocker has no idea what he has lost. I would have loved him forever. I hate to say it but a part of me always will.

My love for him was real. More real than any I have ever felt before. Therefore my pain is greater. I'm going to crawl back into my shell now. It's time to hand over the reins.

She's back. I'm back! The bad ass, smart ass who puts men on blast. I am...West Coast Fucking Carrie.

It's time to have a blasty blast.

WCC

Oops! Almost forgot.
RIP Rocker....you will be missed.

"That Girl"

I guess heart to hearts only make you feel better when both hearts are involved...

Friday is finally here. I see The Rocker tonight. I had to work till 10pm, so I made sure I dressed as cute as I could for work. I knew I would be seeing him right after and wasn't sure if I would have time to change. I chose a fitted black and white striped short dress. The back is open so I threw on a hot pink bandeau. A pair of black gladiators and my feathered earring completed the look. The outfit was simple, showed off my curves, and very distinctly me.

The plan was for The Rocker to meet me at The Plex when I got off work. I decided very early on that I would need to change that asap. If our conversation really did result in a breakup, I didn't want to be home for it. Like I said, there's nothing worse than watching someone walk away from you after they've broken your heart. I'd rather be the one to get up and leave. So I packed a bag. Just in case. Just in case everything turned out ok and I decided to stay at his house.

He called at around 5pm at my work. "Hey you! We still on for tonight?"

"Yep, I get off at ten, I'll be over after," I tell him.

"Are you sure?" He asks. "I was planning on heading over to you."

"No, that's ok," I say. "It makes more sense this way. My work is closer to your house. There's no point in both of us driving all the way to The Plex when I can get to your house in ten minutes."

"Ok, I'll see you here later then."

We hang up. I'm immediately filled with anxiety. My lunch time rolls around and I skip it. I'm too nervous! Terrified of what was going to come. I tried to think of what I wanted to say. Then it hits me. I didn't have anything too say. Nothing had changed for me. I was still the same person I was three weeks ago before all this craziness started. I still felt the same way about him. I just wanted to know what his deal was? I needed him to talk to me. I wanted to know what happened in his head. Why things had changed for him when I hadn't.

I look down to see my phone ringing again. It's Glasses.

"What's up Bestie!" I say into the phone.

"I have exciting news," he says to me.

For the last few months Glasses has been working on getting a production company together. He had assembled a team but was still looking for funding.

"I found an investor," he says.

I'm ecstatic! I ask him details and he gives them. Then he tells me that he may be filming a reality show Pilot with a Hollywood socialite who was trying to break into Hollywood. He follows that statement up with two other projects he had been asked to direct and produce.

I'm grinning ear to ear! "That's wonderful Glasses!," I tell him. "I'm so freaking proud of you!"

"I know, I'm excited," he says. "I mean who knows what will happen with all of this, but atleast I have my hands in a lot of different baskets. Something is bound to work out!"

"Exactly," I tell him. "More than anything it's amazing that your being asked to participate in these projects. It says alot about you. It's awesome dude. Seriously. I'm really proud of you boo."

"Thank you," he says again, slightly embarrassed. "So whats up with you? What are you doing tonight?"

"I'm finally meeting up with The Rocker," I tell him.

"Wow, how long has it been?" He asks.

"Three weeks," I say.

"Look, just relax," he says. "Just let things be. Nothing kills a relationship more than expectations. I know I'm a really busy person too. I'm down to date, but the person I'm with needs to understand that my projects take up a lot of my time but have nothing to do with my relationship. I just don't always have the time. If things are meant to be with someone they will happen organically."

"I agree," I say. "That's the thing. I mean he and I haven't been dating long enough for me to have any expectations. I was just really enjoying his company. And I thought he was enjoying mine too. But then he fell off the face of the earth. All I need is for him to tell me, 'I'm busy, I can't see you for a few weeks.' I'd be fine with that. But he won't even talk to me long enough to tell me that much. I mean god, I'm so freaking chill! I can't figure out why he's afraid of me. Why he won't talk to me."

"It'll all work out," Glasses replies. "Just go over there and say whatever you need to and go from there. There's no point in stressing out on the unknown."

"Ok, your right. I'll text you tomorrow and let you know how it goes."

We hang up. I feel a little better. He's right. There's no point in stressing about things. If we broke up then atleast I could start to heal and move on. Anything was better then the way I had been living these last few weeks.

I get busy in my store and am horrified later to see that I missed a phone call from The Rocker. He left a voice mail. I'm afraid to listen. I mean what if he was calling to cancel? Again. I call my voicemail and brace myself for the worst.

"Hey Carrie," I hear his upbeat voice say. Good. This doesn't sound bad. "I know your probably busy, and I'm sorry I'm not texting but when you get a chance could you give me a text back and..."his voice trails off and he begins to laugh," here I am telling you that I know your too busy to text and now I'm asking you to text me. Anyways..."

I smile. He sounds nervous. And excited.

"I was calling to see what you wanted to do when you get off," he continues. "I realize that I have not seen you in quite a while and tonight is somewhat eventful for us so I would like to make it special. So I'm not sure if you want to go to dinner, or if you would like me to pick up something? Maybe you would like some dessert...whatever your heart desires please let me know, I would like to fulfill it for you....The reality of tonight is sinking in and I'm really excited to see you. Muah! I'm a little giddy...bye!"

I'm speechless. Here I am stressing my ass off that my heart was going to be torn to pieces tonight, and this guy was blowing me kisses and asking if he should pick us up dessert.  Hilarious.

I call him back and we decide to go out and eat. Ten o'clock rolls around and I bail out of work right on time. The second I turn down Highland to jump onto the 101 freeway I hit a huge wall of traffic. I had forgotten that Hall and Oats were performing at the Hollywood Bowl. I was now stuck in a huge line of cars, all waiting to turn onto the one lane highway that was the detour for the event. I'm in hell.

I text The Rocker, "Traffic. The universe hates me. I think I'm just going to get out of my car and curl up into a ball in the fetal position on the street."

"Oh no! I'm so sorry," he immediately replies. "Just relax, the traffic will let up. Just drive safely and don't worry about the time. I'll be here."

My usual ten minute drive to The Rockers place turned into 45 minutes. Unfuckingbelievable.

I finally pull out front and give him a call. "Come out and check out my new car," I say to him.

I get out of the car with the engine still running. I think part of me thought that he might just end things out on the curb. I wanted to be able to have an escape route planned and ready.

He walks out wearing a pair of white shorts and a light colored t-shirt. I'm careful to avoid looking directly at his face. I don't want to look into his eyes. I wasn't ready yet for what I might see in them. You see, I have a useless super power. Useless because I can't control it. Every now and then I can tell what people are thinking. Not just emotions but actual words. I didn't want to know. Not yet.

He walks over and pulls me to him. He kisses my mouth. He holds me there for a while. I can feel the words, 'I missed you', pouring off of him. I freeze. I'm not sure how to respond. I'm not sure what I expected but it definitely wasn't this. His behavior these last few weeks have expressed nothing but disinterest in me and us. But the guy that was holding me now? He actually felt and acted like he cared.

"So check out my ride," I say, pulling away from him. I wanted to enjoy his embrace. I wanted to be able to kiss him back. But I couldn't. I was hurt. I was still afraid. I didn't know what was going to happen so I wanted to keep my wall up for as long as possible. I needed to protect myself from what may still be coming.

We leave and head over to the restaurant he had picked out for us. It was open till 1am and served a full menu till closing. The hostess sits us on the patio, far from prying eyes and ears. After we order I turn to finally look at him. He looked so tired! Drained, and honestly a little sad. My heart pours out to him.

"So what's been happening?" I ask him. I make my statement as general as possible. I'm not accusing him of anything. Something is up with him and I had already identified that whatever it was had little to do with me.

I was right. The first thing he says to me have to do with himself. With his life. He told me about some of the stresses he'd been going through the last few weeks. He told me about his frustration with his life in general. I get it. The mans a Creative. He was struggling with the same confusion and focus we all do. There is a fine line between making a living and having a life. He had his job but he wanted more. He felt he was more.

"I don't know, maybe its vanity," he says to me. "I just feel like I was meant for so much more. Like I'm meant to really be someone...yeah. It's vanity."

I want to shake him! I want to tell him that it's not vanity! I want to share with him what The Hollywood Guru told me. He wasn't vain. He was a star. The Rocker is so talented. He truly is. And he had it. He had that darkness that HG always talks about. He has that thing that make people want to watch him for hours. He was a Star. That's the difference between performers and regular people.  We have a confidence and drive that others don't. We believe that we have something more to offer. We know that people want to watch and we love to give them something to look at. We love to do and be what they can't.

That's why I stopped dating suits and normies. They didn't get it. Huge Asshole used to call me vain. He used to call me an attention whore. My creativity angered him and made him jealous. He couldn't handle being with someone who belonged to the stage. He couldn't handle the way others would watch me. When I'm up there men want me and women want to be me. I know this. Its part of why I do it. Stars do what others can't. Won't. Because we believe. In ourselves.

The Rockers statement made me sad. He wasn't vain. He had passion and drive. He is a star. He was just lost. Lost in his insecurities and self doubt and in his 'day job'. He needed to take a chance. He needed to jump. He needed to let the darkness take over and be who he was born to be.

I didn't say any of this to him. These are things that all of us need to figure out on our on. Besides, I didn't think he would listen. Not to me. He was too lost in his guilt over how he had treated me these last few weeks. The conversation finally switches to us.

Things get foggy here. We talked for like over an hour. Long story short he was busy. He felt guilty. His guilt turned into frustration at times. Frustrated over allowing himself to fall into a relationship when he had so much going on in his life. He didn't have to time to try to cater to someone else's emotional well being.

"See, there's the thing," I say to him. " I don't need anything from you. Why can't you just let this be your time? Your time to be stressed and allow me to be there for you."

"I can't do that," he says, shaking is head repeatedly in the negative. "I can't take from you what I'm not giving."

That's when it hits me. I think about his voicemail earlier that evening. About how he wanted to cater to my every need. How he wanted to make tonight special. I think about every time we go out together. It's seldom a simple date. Hippie Chick once joked that our dates reminded her of the Bachelor. We always needed an activity. He always wanted to treat me.

The funny thing was, I wasn't 'That Girl.' I mean the nice dinners and amusement parks and concerts and such were all great. I had fun with him. But like I've said before. I crave simplicity. I don't need all of that. I just needed  the both of us to be together with good conversation in a warm comfortable spot.

"Dude, just let me be your Muse," I tell him. " Let me be there for you. I'm so mellow man! I don't know one other girl that would have put up with whats been going on these last few weeks. But I was ok. All I needed and wanted was for you to talk to me, but you totally shut the door on me. I wanted to be there for you but you wouldn't let me."

"See, now that's a conflict for me," he says. "One of the things that I loved about you when we met was that you were so independent. That you..."

I interrupt him. Now the guy was pissing me off. There's nothing I hate more then being misunderstood! There is nothing I hate more then a man thinking that I am less than who I am. I am independent. I'd be damned if he was going to imagine that I was some love sick puppy following him around sniffing his ass. I may be in love but I'm still West Coast Carrie. I care about others, but I love me the most. I'm not vain. I know I'm a star.

"Hold on a second," I say to him, ignoring his obvious annoyance at being interrupted. "I have an amazing life. I have a ton of friends. I'm not sitting around waiting for you to call me. I mean do you know what a Muse is?"

In case you would like to know, Dear Reader, Muses come from Greek Mythology. They are goddesses who inspire the creation of literature and the arts. They were considered a source of knowledge. They support, they inspire. They do not sniff ass's.

"Think of a Muse like a freaking Fairy," I say to him. "Someone created specifically for you. To inspire you. I didn't say that I want to coddle you and wipe the snot off your nose. I want to be what you need me to be in order to make you feel better. When you got sick a few weeks ago I left you alone remember? Because that's what you wanted. You like to rest and get better on your own so I gave you that space. These last few weeks you've been busy. Did I ever get mad at you? No. Not once. I gave you your space. Yet as understanding as I've been, you've still treated me like I was 'That Girl'. Everytime you spoke to me I could hear the anxiety in your voice. You and I would be having a perfectly good conversation and then at the end you would blow smoke up my ass about seeing me later that week. Even though we both knew you wouldn't have the time. I didn't want that. I didn't ask for that. This whole time there were only two genuine texts that you sent me. The first was when you told me that you felt overwhelmed and stressed out. Remember that?"

The Rocker shakes his head up and down in agreement.

"That made me feel awful," I continue. "I didn't want to be the source of that. And I most definitely didn't want to add to your stress, so I stepped back again. The second, was after I told you how stressed you sounded and that I hoped it wasn't over me? When I told you 'I loved you to pieces'? Your response to me was real. I felt your appreciation to my statement and I believed you when you said you loved me back."

"Your right," he says. "That text you sent me was perfect. It was exactly what I needed to hear at the time."

"That's my point," I say. "You say that one of the things that you loved about me was how independent I was? Well one of the things I loved the most about you was your honesty. I loved that you had no filter. I loved that you were blunt. You telling me that you were overwhelmed and didn't have time to think about us? That hurt for a second. But that pain was immediately followed by relief. I appreciated you telling me. I appreciated knowing what was going on. That's the problem. You stopped talking to me. You've been treating me like I've been angry or nagging you or something. Every conversation we've had has been phony. You stopped seeing me and who I am and instead been projecting who you think a 'girlfriend' would be in this situation."

I take a moment to gather my thoughts. He sits and waits patiently.

"I want you to understand something," I continue. "When I told you I loved you? I meant it. But that doesn't mean that I now need something from you. I said it because it was a truth. It's how I feel, but nothing was attached to that. I was never the type of little girl who used to picture what her wedding dress would look like growing up. The other day Hippie Chick made a joke about you moving into The Plex and I almost joked on my juice. I had, and have no thoughts outside of the fact that I care for you right now, exactly the way things are."

I finish my rant and finally look at him. I finally look into his eyes. And I'm surprised by what I see staring back at me. It's love. His eyes are soft. I allow him to see my pain. I want to be real. He leans over and he kisses me a few times on my cheek.

"I'm so sorry," he says to me. "Your right. I've been treating you like 'that girl'. And because of that I've probably made you into that person. But one thing I've known this whole time, with out a doubt, is that I love you. I mean you send me messages sometimes, or even now when I look at you, and my heart just...melts. You make me melt. I wish I had a better word that I could use but I'll have to settle for this. I'm really really sorry for doing this to you. I'm so sorry for shutting the door on you. I don't think I can promise that I won't be busy for a while, but I will try not to lock you out again."
He grabs my hand and kisses me again.

"I should have known that this was all I had to do," he says to me.

"What do you mean," I ask.

"I mean I should have learned after that whole blog incident. After I spoke to you about your blog I had felt so much better. And now it happened again. Now that I've spoken to you, things are good. I'm so sorry. I should have just called you."

"I know," I say. " Dude this was our first problem. I didn't want to fail at our first issue."

"We never had a problem," he replies. "I did, and I'm sorry."

He kisses me again. I finally reach over and take a bite of my food, grateful that I had ordered a salad. It had been sitting in front of me for atleast forty minutes.

We leave the restaurant and head back to his place. We made love. It was wonderful as usual. I sleep over, enjoying the first good night sleep I had had in weeks. The next day we make love again in the morning and shower together before he leaves. I linger behind and hang out with his sister for a while.

We lay a blanket out on the lawn and I smoke a joint with her as she lays out in the sun.

"Oh that Rocker," I say to her, probing. "What am I going to do with that guy?"

"Is everything ok with you guys?" She asks.

"Yeah, it was just frustrating having him believe that I was angry instead of just talking to me."

"So you were never mad," she asks.

"No," I tell her.

"Yeah, my brother is just having a hard time right now. I mean he is so compassionate and giving. He really cares about people. But he is trying to figure things out. I mean they have really been jerking him around at work. He is just frustrated and a little lost at the moment."

We're both quiet, lost in thought.   I finally get up to leave. As I drive away my mind begins to race.

I hated that The Rocker was in pain. I hated that he was tired. I hated that he was frustrated with his life. But I was also bothered that I hadn't known. He never told me how he felt. He never shared with me before tonight what he had been going through.

Another thing that bothers me was his statement about us having a conflict. About how me wanting to be his Muse bothered him. I know he had misunderstood me at first. I know I explained and he got it. But what bothers me is the fact that he had said it at all. I thought he and I were past the point of judging each other like that? I thought that when we said that we loved each other it meant that we accepted all the other person was? I hadn't realized that we were still looking for conflicts of interest in each other.

I mean up to this point I was just letting things be, just like Glasses said.  I was enjoying the moment. I cared about him. I loved kicking it in his space. That's it.

I know we talked. I know I should feel better, but I don't.

My faith in us, in him, have been shaken.

He hurt me. He pressed on a sore spot.

My mind thinks back to a conversation we had on our first date...

Me: "...I mean just a few months ago I was this big open wound. I'm a lot better now but I can still feel the sore spots. I'm not eager to put myself into a position where someone can push on the parts that hurt. I don't want to feel that tug. I just want to be me. Do me. Not worry about that potential pain."

The Rocker: "...Well, I think that's why the pain is there, so that when we get into those situations again we know that we need to get out. If someone pushes on a sore spot, that's our experience telling us to get out and move on."

Is that what I'm supposed to do here? He pressed, I hurt, now do I leave?

I shake the negative thoughts out of my head.  See, that's why I hate having to have 'talks' with people. I mean my god we had only been dating a few months! None of this should be happening. Why can't everything just be easy and loving? Why not just be honest and communicate and get past all the bullshit!

I learned a long time ago not to waste time in petty arguments and fear with the ones you love. You need to enjoy the time you had together. There was no point in thinking about the future. After all, can you really have a future if there was no present?

So that's what I'm going to do. That's what I want to do. I'm going to go back to loving him and letting things just be.

I hope he does the same.

WCC

Huge Asshole

I spent the day with Huge Asshole today. Before you start to judge let me explain...

Last week my car was hit while parked outside The Plex. I heard the crash and remember thinking, "That was my car." I was right.

Homeless Boyfriend, Mr. Boston and Snapshot were in the living room when it happened. It was 1pm on a Wednesday afternoon. They looked out the window and saw a small white sedan attached to my car in the middle of the street.

"Carrie!" Homeless Boyfriend yells not realizing I was safe in my room hopping around to my latest workout DVD addiction. I just bought Metamorphoses by Tracy Anderson and have been faithfully following the workout regime and meal plan for nine whole days. I was sweating my ass off in my bedroom as The Plex and most of the neighborhood ran out to the street following the crash. I finished up my workout and jumped into the shower, oblivious to the chaos happening outside.

Once the boys got downstairs and looked through the windows of my empty car they realize the guy had hit it while it was still parked. Homeless Boyfriend said the occupants of the white sedan were hilarious. They were two clean cut kids, paralyzed behind the windshield, mouths dropped open. The driver still had his hands locked to the steering wheel.

HB came back inside and knocked on the bathroom door.

"Uh, Carrie? I don't mean to ruin your shower but your car was just hit and is now sitting in the middle of the street. You should probably come out here." He tells me.

"Ok," I call back calmly. "I'll be right out."

I wasn't upset. Only concerned that the people who hit it may leave. But I knew the guys would make sure to keep them there, so I quickly dried off, threw on some clothes and ran downstairs.

It was a wreck. My car had been facing north, the driver had hit it while driving South. He must have really been speeding because he managed to hit my car hard enough to send it flying across the street into another parked car. Snapshot and Homeless Boyfriend both had their cameras out taping the scene.

The two kids were sitting on the grass on their phones across the street.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I was just driving and turned to talk to my friend and it just..." he trails off, gesturing towards the war scene in front of us.

I looked at his passenger. His face was still white with shock.

"Scared the shit out of ya huh?" I ask him.

"Oh my god yes!" He replies, relieved that I understood.

Five hours later, insurance companies had been notified and my rent a car reservation had been set. I knew my car was totaled.

"You don't seem all that upset about this Carrie," Homeless Boyfriend says to me later.

"Not really," I say. "I really really needed a new car anyway so this is sort of a blessing."

Two weeks later I received $6000 for my car and was set to buy a new one.

I received the check on a Monday night. I wasn't off until Wednesday so I spent that day and the next scouring Craigslist for a new car. I finally found one. It was within my price range, had low miles and a clean outer and inner body. Excellent!

I woke up early Wednesday morning so that I could run to the bank and then make the drive to Fullerton to check out, and hopefully pick up the car. I just had one problem. I had no one to go with me.

"I can help you this weekend," Mr. Boston offers. "I'll be off and I'm not going to EDC."

Homeless Boyfriend and Hippie Chick were heading out to Vegas for the insane rave, Electronic Daisy Carnival. Mr. Boston and I were staying behind. When it comes to deserts and raves, I'm a no show ever since I almost died at one. But that's a story I'll save for another time...

"Thanks, but today is the last day that my insurance will pay for my rent a car so I have to make this happen." I tell him.

I had been trying to get a hold of my dad for two days to see if he could help me out. He was a car salesman for 25 years and the only person I knew that would be off today. But he had yet to return any of my calls. My next option was to call Partyboy. He would definitely be off. He would be useless as far as helping me with negotiations or checking out the inner workings of the car, but he has a drivers license and could atleast  help by driving my new car back to The Plex.

"No," I think. "I don't want to call him."

I knew he would help. I just didn't want it. Partyboy and I may be friends but I still have my issues with that guy. I didn't want to ask him for anything.

"Screw it," I thought. "If I like the car I'll just buy it, park it somewhere, and get someone to help me bring it back later."

Satisfied with my decision I headed over to the bank to cash my check. I was excited. Excited to be getting my new car and proud that I was doing it alone. I felt self sufficient and grown up and independent. I felt great! Until the bank told me that they were putting a two day hold on my check.

"What?! Why can't I just cash it?" I ask them with just enough panic in my voice to make them pay attention.

"We're sorry, but we can't cash it. There is always an automatic hold on checks of this kind." The Teller tells me.

Huh? The check was issued directly from my car insurance. It wasn't like I had walked in with a personal check from Iam Fruad.

After a few fake tears from me and  a quick visit from one of the bank managers I finally got them to cash the check by midnight that night.

I left the bank deflated. What the hell was I going to do?! I only had today to do this. Plus I didn't want to loose out on this car. It was perfect for me. I got behind the wheel of my rent a car and began to drive...then immediately pulled back over. I was close to tears. Who would help me now? Who would be off, willing to spend the entire day doing this and had the money to lend me so that I could buy the car? That's when it hit me. There was only one person I knew that could do it.

Huge Asshole.

"I can't call him," I thought. It wasn't right! Or was it? I mean the only reason we weren't talking was because of me. I cut him off. To punish him for being an asshole in life. I already knew he wanted to talk to me. He would give anything to see me. He hated that I was no longer a part of his life. The selfish prick wanted to be able to dump me but still have me around.

And the truth was, part of me wanted to see him. I wanted to see how it felt. I wanted to know if I was really over him and us. I wanted to know if it still hurt. I didn't think it would. I felt fine. But you'll never know if you're actually over something until the cause of your original pain is standing in right in front of you.

"I wonder if The Rocker will be pissed," I thought next.

No. He wouldn't. That's one of the many reasons why I loved The Rocker so much. He isn't jealous. He isn't insecure. It didn't bother him that I still hung out with Partyboy. It didn't bother him when I went out with my friends. He didn't get angry if I was hit on and he never questioned me or my where abouts.

I asked him once why he was so secure.

"Well, the best way I can describe how I feel about things is by comparing it to the X-man movie," he says to me.

I laugh. Intrigued I ask him to continue.

"It's like that scene between Scott (Cyclops) and Logan (Wolverine)," he says. "You know the one? Where they are talking about Jean? Logan says to Scott, 'Is this the part where you ask me to stay away from your girl?' Scott replies back, 'If I had to tell you that, then she wouldn't really be my girl.' Well that's how I feel about it. Maybe I'm being naive..."

"No," I tell him immediately. "Your right. You shouldn't worry about it. And if you have to, you shouldn't be with that person in the first place."

He had nothing to worry about with me. I was his through and through. But I still wanted to tell him. I wanted to let him weigh in on what I should do. I wanted to call him and ask if he thought calling Huge Asshole was ok. More than that I wanted to talk to my boyfriend and vent about what had just happened. I was upset and wanted to hear his voice.

But I knew I couldn't. He was at work and wouldn't be able to answer. Even if he had been home the chances of him answering his phone were slim. I still hadn't seen him in weeks and the few phone conversations we have had have been short and impersonal.

"Fuck it! " I thought. "I need help."

I pick up my phone and text Huge Asshole, "Busy?"

What? I was desperate. I had no one else to call. No one else who could help. The Rocker wouldn't be mad and honestly I didn't even know if he and I were even together anymore. For all I knew we were done and he was just shoving me aside until he could get around to letting me know it.

Huge Asshole responds within 2 minutes.

"Negative dear. What's up?"

I laugh to myself. He knows the only reason I would contact him was if I needed help.

"Huge favor...beyond...if you're even able," I send back.

He just replies with a, "?"

Here goes nothin.

"So my car was hit while parked the other day and was trashed. I just got my check yesterday and I think I found a car in Fullerton but now I have two problems. 1.) If I like it I have no one to help me drive it back. 2.) The bank won't clear my check until tomorrow....Ok, I lied I have 3 problems. Today is the last day they will pay for my rent a car."

I hold my breath. I'm not sure what he will say. He could be an ass and make me beg. He could just flat out  say no. He could laugh at me and ask why my boyfriend wasn't helping me or something smart ass like that.

He simply responds with, "No sweat. Lets go."

Relief spreads through me...until his next text.

"Oh god, I'm totally The Ex now huh? haha."

I immediately feel guilty. I had wrecked my car a few years ago. For a month Huge Asshole had tried to find a new one with me. Well not help so much as bitch and complain and make my life harder every step of the way. He had acted like my car search was a drain on his life.

"This is never going to end!" he screamed at me once while we were driving away from yet another unsuccessful car viewing. The funny thing was, I actually liked that car. He was the one who had shot it down, just like he had with the dozen before it. Huge Asshole used to be a mechanic and generally didn't trust people let alone car sellers. Every time I found a car I was excited about he would shake his head no behind the car dealers back and then walk away to let me deal with the no thank yous and good byes.

After that trip, I decided to cut him out of my car search. I called The Ex. He had already offered to help, but I had told him not to worry about it. My boyfriend had me covered. Stupid me. I should have took him up on his offer in the first place.

The Ex gave me a time he was available. He found a car for me online. He negotiated over the phone with the seller and sent me the information so that I could look at the car myself. I took Dimples husband with me to check the car out. Satisfied, I bought the car 3 days after the fight I had with Huge Asshole.

He was livid! He tried to hold back his jealousy and anger. He had to. I mean what was he angry about? That someone else was willing to help me when he wasn't? Without complaint and without expecting anything back from me in return?

"Sorry. You can say no," I text back, immediately feeling guilty. "You know I would never ask but the bank just stressed me out and I don't what else to do."

I'm ok with asking The Ex for help because I know he loves me. Without conditions. Without expectations. If he ever needed me I would be there for him as well. We may not be lovers any longer but he was still family. And family is there for you no matter how much time has passed since you last seen them.

But Huge Asshole wasn't family to me. He was an ex. An ex that I hated asking for help, but I was in a bind and the guy did owe me.

"No I was kidding," he texts back. "I'm getting in the shower. See you when you get here."

I send back a simple, "Ok."

I drive the familiar route to his house. As I get off the freeway my stomach flips. Not because I was excited. Not because I was nervous. It flipped out of fear. I had made this trip a thousand times to see him in the past. My worst fear would be that we were together again and I was making this trip so that could see him. My worse fear would be getting back with this guy.

I pull outside his house and text him that I'm out front.

He comes running out, wearing a simple t-shirt and jeans. I can smell the familiar scent of his cologne as he jumps in the car. I laugh to myself. He almost never wears his cologne.

"Whats up dudey?" I say to him.

"Hi!" he says back.

Nothing. I feel nothing. No nervousness, no love, no anger. I'm perfectly at ease. Excellent.

The ride to Fullerton was almost...fun. No. Not fun. Familiar.

I try to use my GPS to find the place. He yells at me to put it down and learn the streets around his house for once. Same old argument. Same old teasing. I scowl at him and pretend to comply, secretly placing my ear piece in my ear so that I can still hear my GPS directions without him knowing.

We make the drive down to Fullerton and check out the car. For the first time ever, the guy is actually helpful! He immediately pops open the hood and starts asking questions. Satisfied, we move into the office and start the negotiating.

I was able to talk the guy down $500. Its still a little more than I wanted to spend, but I really needed a car so I feel confused and pressured to end this.

"Excuse me, is there anyway you could leave us alone for a moment?" Huge Asshole asks the guy.

"Sure no problem. Just let me know when you're ready. I'll be out front," the Dealer says back.

Then Huge Asshole did something he had definitely never done before. He turned to me asked me what I really wanted. He helped me weigh my options. He helped me focus. He helped me decide that I wanted the car and told me not to worry about the price.

"I'll get him to take more off," he says to me.

We call the guy back in and he does just that. He was able to drop the price another $200.

I smile. This guy wasn't half bad. Sometimes Huge Asshole could almost be...a man. But I know it was only temporary. This guy would never last. By nature Huge Asshole is selfish and lazy. He was making an effort today to get in my good graces, but it would only take a few weeks for him to morph back into his normal self. He had done it a dozen times before. But today, I had the nice guy. And I was happy to have him here. He helped. As he should. For once.

The Dealer began to fill out the paperwork. I notice Huge Assholes leg is bouncing up and down like a pair of humming bird wings. I reach over and place my two fingers on the top of his knee to stop the bouncing. We look at each other and both smile. Its a gesture I had done a thousand times. Familiar.

I pick up my phone to check the time. "Dude, that screen is crazy, let me see it," Huge Asshole says, grabbing my phone.

I have a pattern lock set on my phone. I had pulled it out several times and unlocked it to call the dealer on our way up here. Huge Asshole takes the phone into his hands and without a seconds hesitation, traces the correct pattern to unlock it.

Mother Fucker.

My immediate reaction was to reach out for my phone. I was afraid of him looking through my texts. Looking through my photos. Looking through my shit. But then I realized, I have nothing to hide! We weren't together anymore. I had nothing to fear.

Leave it to him to ruin a perfectly nice day together by reminding me of what an insecure jealous stalker he is. He had always been jealous. I have to admit that in the beginning I liked it. I thought he was being protective. I thought it was sweet when he would walk me to the bathroom when we were out. I loved that he would text me when I was out without him to see how my night was going. I thought it was awesome that he would keep an eye out for me no matter where we were.

Sweet quickly turned into obsessive. Walking to the bathroom turned into asking permission to go. Keeping an eye out for me turned into standing by his side the whole time or with pre-approved friends to look after me. He started to question every text. Every phone call. I would have to give him detailed reports of my where abouts if I went out without him. All of which was unnecessary since he usually would be texting me the entire time I was out.

He got worse when we had got back together after I had dated Nutty for a year. That's when he asked me for the passwords to my social networking sites. "We're a couple," he told me. "We should have nothing to hide from each other." One night he actually got out of bed in the dark and picked up my phone. He went into the bathroom with it thinking I hadn't seen him.

I was livid! I confronted him the second he came back into the room.

"What the hell do you think your doing?!" I hissed at him in the dark.

He had nothing to say. I jumped out of bed, grabbed my shit and left.

I never should have went back.

His jealousy hit its boiling point when I went to Vegas for Dimples Bachlorette party. He forced me to send him a photo of what I was wearing that night. I sent him a photo of my skin tight one shoulder short white dress and 6 inch BCBG platform heels. I mean it was Vegas? What else would I be wearing?

He was pissed! "Why do you always feel the need to wear shit like that?" He text me.

"Like what?" I replied.

"Like a whore. You always need to be the center of attention don't you?" he sends back.

I was hurt. I dress the way I think looks the most flattering for me. I dress to compete with my girlfriends. I dress to feel confident and sexy and to feel like...me.

I never cheated on the guy. I never did anything inappropriate with guys while out. I generally don't even really like men. I hate being hit on. I was out looking good having a good time with my girls. That was it.

 Even though the guys were in Vegas at the same time, we never saw them. However it felt like Huge Asshole was with me the whole time. He text me every fifteen minutes. I was Dimples Maid of Honor and had organized this whole trip. There I was trying to shuffle around 12 drunken bridesmaids through the strip club/club hopping limo drive that I had planned out for them, texting my psycho freak out boyfriend the entire time.  He wouldn't stop! He gradually got crueler and crueler. He went from concerned to asshole to psycho within hours.

By 4am I had had enough.

"Dude, that's it. I'm done with this, and you." I text him.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He sends back.

"Your mean! Your really really mean. I don't deserve this. I'm a good person and I haven't done anything wrong. I don't want to be treated like this anymore. Goodnight, and goodbye," I send him.

I turned off my phone and went to sleep. When I woke up the next morning I had 15 missed text messages.They started off cruel then eventually tapered off into crying land.

"I can't believe your not answering me when you know I'm freaking out like this," one text read.

14 insane text later he finally sends, " I'm so sorry. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness but I really do love you and I was just freaking out and being an asshole."

Now there's the understatement of the year.

That's when he pulled a low blow. It was Fathers day, and he told me that his dad wanted us to go by his house for dinner when we got back from Vegas. He knew how much I loved his dad. He knew I wouldn't cancel on him. So I went and forgave him. Again.

I reached over and took my phone back from Huge Asshole. I don't say anything. He wants me to notice. He wants me to comment. So I don't.

Once we finish up the paperwork, we all shake hands and head out to the cars. I give him the keys for the new car and he follows me in my rental back home. After we drop off the rent a car I stop by The Plex to grab a jacket before we head out for dinner. The poor guy hasn't eaten all day and I know that he expects a good meal out of this.

We walk into The Plex together and say hi to Homeless Boyfriend sitting at his desk. I had called Hippie Chick on the way home to tell her what had happened today and that we would be stopping by the house before dinner.

"Young lady!" HC had yelled at me over the phone. "You are in so much trouble! Just wait until I get back home!"

She had to head back to work so I knew the coast would be clear when I got there. Homeless Boyfriend and Huge Asshole exchange hello's. They didn't know each other well, but they had met once or twice in the past. I'm immediately filled with guilt. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, but I still hated the fact that all of this was going down and I hadn't spoken to The Rocker once.

I quickly grab a jacket and head out with HA to dinner. As we sat there eating our meals, he began to vent his brains out to me. He told me about a fight he had got into with his dad and stepmother. He told me about the stresses he was having with one of his brothers. He told me about mutual friends that he didn't like to talk to anymore because he thought they were "fake". He complained and talk down on everyone and everything that was happening his life.

"Wow," I thought. "He is still totally the same person. Narrow minded and judgemental and petty and cheap. Thank god our relationship crashed and burned. This so not a person that I would want to love and be with anymore."

I didn't say any of that to him ofcourse. I just sat there quietly and allowed him to vent.

"Sorry," he eventually says to me. "I don't really have anyone I can talk to anymore. Not the way I use to talk to you that is."

I just smile and say, "It's ok. I don't mind."

I feel sorry for the guy. I had changed so much in the last year since he and I had been together. But he was still the same person. He still trusted no one. Not even himself. He was still in the same place in life and in his head.

We finish dinner and I make the trek back to his house. We pull out front just I was deep in the middle of a Highlander story so I get out and finish it while he smoked a cigarette. Just as I'm finishing up his mom shows up.

"Hi, how are you?" I say to her as I head over to give her a hug. I definitely could have done without a mommy meet and greet right now, but I suck it up and say hello none the less.

"Hey you, " she says back with to me with her British Martha Stewart accent. Both of his parents were born in England. I often wished that their charm and sophistication would have rubbed off on Huge Asshole. They didn't.

Without comment she heads into the house. It was time for me to leave.

I walked over to Huge Asshole and gave him a quick hug.

"Thank you so much," I say to him.

I give him a quick squeeze around his torso. He is almost 6"3 and towers over me. He bends his head and kisses the top of mine.

I walk to my car without further incident. I'm happy. I have my car and I survived an almost pleasant day with Huge Asshole.

As I drive home I pull out my phone to call The Rocker. It goes to voice mail.

"Hey, it's me," I start pathetically, wondering if I should tell him who 'me' is. "I'm not sure what time your off but um...just give me a call when you can."

He thankfully calls back within 2 minutes.

"Hey, how are you?" he asks me, followed by a huge exhausted sigh. This has become his new greeting towards me. A hello followed by an emotional drawn out sigh. I hated it. It made me feel like such a drain. I immediately decide not to mention Huge Asshole. I'd rather wait until I saw him and he was well rested.

"I'm good," I say to him, adding extra energy to my voice. I didn't want him to feel drained by me. I wanted him to know that I didn't need anything from him. I just wanted to share my good news. "I got a car!"

"Really!? That's great. What did you get," he answers, thankfully with more energy.

I give him a quick run down about what my car looks like. When I'm done he starts to talk about when we could see each other. We decide on Friday night.

"Great, so I'll see you Friday maybe," he tells me. "Is that good?"

"Well yeah, except for the maybe part," I answer back. "Why maybe? I thought we agreed?"

"Well, yes. It works for me. I guess I was just thinking in case you couldn't make it," he says back.

"Dude, I can make it at anytime and any date. I've just been waiting on you," I tell him feeling agitated. "I haven't seen you in weeks...I mean how do you feel about all this?"

I did well at keeping the irritation out of my voice because the truth was, I knew wasn't angry. I was hurt.

"Honestly, I haven't had two seconds to even put an answer to any questions like that," he says back to me still sounding exhausted. "Let's just sort all this out on Friday ok? I need to go back to work. I'm still here."

"Ok, I'll see you Friday then," I say back. We hang up.

I'm upset. Hurt. Confused and more than anything afraid. He may not realize how he felt but I did. It sounded like he was done. With us. With me.

I look down at my phone and see that I had received a text while I was on the phone. Surprise surprise, it was Huge Asshole. I should have seen this one coming.

It reads, "I find it funny how spending a little time with you can totally make my week and totally ruin it at the same time, hah I know you understand what I mean."

Uh, not really.

Ok, that's a lie. I know what he's trying to say. I just don't share his feelings. He didn't make or break anything for me. I feel less for him than I do a middle school boyfriend. He was just someone from my past who helped me out of a bind today. That's it.

I don't respond right away. My mind is a million miles away. I'm trying my best to hold back the tears. What was going on with The Rocker? What had changed. I know I didn't do anything. I hadn't seen him to be able to do anything wrong. Maybe he had decided that he was too busy for us? Maybe he wanted to break it off? That would suck. There is nothing worse than a guy stringing you along for weeks just so that he can eventually get you alone and dump your ass.

I get home and walk into Hippie Chicks bedroom.

"What the hell did you do?!" She asks me.

I plop down on her couch and give her a run down of my day ending with the conversation I had with The Rocker.

"There's something going on with him," she says to me, her wheels noticeably spinning. "Why don't you just tell him that you're coming over tonight. Tell him you are bringing over massage oil and some food and you are going to talk now."

My stomach flips in horror! I would never!

"No way dude," I respond. "He would not be ok with that. I don't even think he's home yet. And I learned my lesson after I told him about my blog. Having deep conversations with the guy is never a good idea when he's exhausted."

I turn my face away from her as I start to tear up. This is so draining! This has never happened to me before. I've had plenty of breakups, but never because someone just decided to shut the door on me for no reason. I mean nothing bad had happened! We never fought. We always had an amazing time together. What had gone wrong? Was it all a lie?  Had he been faking this whole time? Is this what he did? Found unsuspecting women online and dated them just to fuck with them?

"Carrie!" Hippie Chick yells at me concerned. "Don't do that! That's it. We're putting you back on OkCupid. I want the old Carrie back. You need to have fun again."

"I feel sorry as hell for anyone who dates me after this," I say back to her. "If this doesn't work out lord help the next man because the real me will definitely be gone. I will totally let WCC take the reins again."

We laugh and I try to pull myself together for her.  I don't want to bring anyone else down. This is my problem. I needed to figure this shit out on my own so that I could move past it.

"Oh, check out what Huge Asshole text me earlier," I say, handing her my phone so that she can read his text.

"Wow, " she says. "Did you send anything back?"

"No, not yet. I don't even know how to respond to that."

"Don't," she says. "Just ignore him."

"I can't," I tell her sighing. "He really helped me today, and I still owe the fool money."

I text him back, hoping that I can make a joke of his statement, "Yeah, my week is totally ruined now lol, thank you again."

"No problem," he replies immediately, even though his original text had been sent an hour before. "Glad I could help. Well I'm glad I ruined yours too atleast...But atleast you got a car out of it ha!"

Huh? You didn't actually ruin my week dumbass.

"You know whats amazing to me," I say to Hippie Chick after I read his response to her. "Here I am in tears about The Rocker, and here this fool is trying to flirt with me. I mean the guy is talking like he and I still have some sort of connection. He couldn't possibly believe that I still love him could he?"

"Probably," Hippie Chick says. "This was probably the highlight of his year. Plus think about it. He will never again get a women as good as you. From this point on it's all downhill for that looser."

Dying to change the subject, I text him if his mom mentioned anything about me being there. Bad call.

"No, she doesn't have to ask. She probably just assumes we're moving in together or something hahaha," he answers.

Wow. I can't even deal. I stop texting and head into the kitchen to prepare my lunch for work the next day. An hour later he sends another text.

"I thought it was funny," it reads.

I sigh, and reply, "Yes funny. Borderline absurdity."

Huge Asshole: "Ehh if I were ever to breathe your name to my family they'd probably assume we would be married in a week haha. K goodnight."

Oh my fucking god! Now he's actually starting to piss me off. This whole time I've been trying to keep things on the friend tip and this guy wants to try and create some flirty 'we are still so in love' atmosphere that quite honestly sort of makes me want to vomit. The only way I was able to get through the day was by not thinking of him as someone I use to date. I just thought of him as...someone familiar that would help me.

I didn't feel shit for Huge Asshole. If forced to attach any type of past emotional feelings towards him I would have to choose disgust. The way he treated me and the way things ended were not ok. It's still not ok. I consider him a lesson learned. I remember everything, especially the way he made me feel. And it was not good.

I stop texting him and instead shoot a text over to the only person I was actually interested in speaking to. The Rocker.

"I hate how stressed you sounded earlier...Please don't let it be over me. I love you to pieces. I'll see you Friday. Goodnight," I send.

The more I thought about it, the more I knew I was right. I hadn't done anything wrong. I think he felt guilty. Guilty for not seeing me. I felt it everytime we spoke. I could hear the anxiety in his voice. I didn't want to be the cause of that. I wanted him to know that I understood and I was here and I still loved him. I mean what the hell? I had nothing to loose. If he was planning on breaking up with me he would have to do it without my help. I wasn't going anywhere until he told me he didn't want me anymore. I meant it when I said I loved him. If he didn't he was going to have to man up and tell me himself. As for me, my love had no expiration date.

He responds to me an hour later with, "You are such a darling. I really, really can't wait to see you Friday night. I'm happy about your new car and I love you!"

I was already in bed, silently crying into my pillow when I received this text. My heart immediately flips with joy! This was one of the only genuine text that I had received from him in weeks. I was so excited that I had finally found the right words to say to get him to remember who I was and how I felt about him.

I wipe my tears and run into Hippie Chicks room to show her the text.

"See," she says to me. "Everything is going to be ok."

I love my friend. The eternal optimist.

Not having a chance to show her the retarded messages from Huge Asshole earlier, I hand her my phone as I try to think how I should respond to The Rocker. His text was sweet and I wanted to acknowledge it. I didn't want to send anything he would have to respond to but I did want it to be sweet.

I decide on sending a, "xx" and punch it into my phone the second  HC hands it back to me.

Can you guess what happened next? That's right. I looked down and realized that I had just sent kisses to Huge Asshole! I quickly try to delete the message before its sent.  I'm not sure if I caught it, but I sure as hell wasn't going to text him again to  check. I resend the kisses to The Rocker, this time carefully checking the name before hitting send.

He texts me back immediately, "Xxxxxxxxx + xxxxxxxxxx"

I resist the urge to text him a smiley face. It was the best conversation we had had in weeks and I didn't want to ruin it. Still unsure if Huge Asshole I had received the kisses or not I decide to shoot him a text about the unsuccessful money transfer I had tried to make earlier instead.

"Bank lied, money hasn't gone through yet. I'll check again in the morning."

I hold my breath. Please oh please say those x's didn't go through...

"That's ok. Don't sweat it. You know I'm not worried about it," he replies. I breath a huge sigh of relief.

Until I read is follow up text. "What's xx?"

It's official. God hates me.

"So sorry. I'm an asshole," I reply. "I text it by accident. Hippie Chick distracted me, blame her...I thought I stopped it before it was sent."

"Did you just send me kissses. Ooooh I'm so telling your boyfriend," he text back teasingly.

Ugh.

"Ha...so not funny," I say.

I know he's just trying to get a rise out of me.  He wants me to think he is just trying to annoy me. But I know his true intentions. He wants to tease me and create inside jokes between the two of us, outside of The Rocker. Like a couple would. Of which we were not.

"I'll tell him anyways. He'll think it's much funnier than I do...that's what I get for not paying better attention to who I'm texting," I say to him.

I wanted him to know that there would be no inside jokes between he and I. The Rocker was my man, not him.

"Awww, mistaken kisses," he says whining. "Now my week is really ruined...haha, I'm gonna go sit in the shower in the fetal position now ass ;)"

Ugh. I swear, no matter what I say the guy can still figure out a way to twist it into something about us. As if! Screw this! It's time to be straight up with the guy. My side stepping obviously hasn't been working.

"Oh please. You know a million times over that I would never send anything like that to you. It was nice hanging out with someone who was my friend at one time, but no sparks. Ass."

I added the Ass part at the end in an attempt to be cool. I know my message is pretty rude, but I just can't take it anymore! I feel nothing for this guy, except growing annoyance.

"Wow," he says, obviously hurt. "Totally joking man. Don't be so sensitive. You know me, if I had anterior motives I would've acted on them...Once your friend? So you're telling me I'm just some random who is there for you at the drop of a dime and you can't help but get along with, but I'm not a friend? :("

Yeah. Pretty much.

"No. Now who's being sensitive? I meant I didn't think of you...," I pause. I don't know what to say. 

A very big part of me knew that he would help me. And for the most part I hadn't felt guilty asking.  Like most of my exes, I knew he will always be there for me. I don't mind asking any of them for help occasionally because dammit they owed me! I had been wonderful to each and everyone of these fools. I just so happened to be the best thing that ever happened to them. Hell, for most of them I will always will be.

I gave alot to my exes. I don't fall in love often but when I do I give it my all. I do nothing half ass. I gave and they all took. In the end they realized what they had. In the end they realized what I gave. In the end every single one of them felt and still feel guilty as hell. Thats why they jump at the opportunity to help me. Its a way for them to set things right, and also a way of keeping me in their lives. I know that's what Huge Asshole has been craving. It drives him crazy not having me in his life in some capacity. He still wants to know me and more than that he still wants to be someone special to in my life.

The problem is, he's not. He did so much damage to us that I can barely muster one nice feeling about him and our past. All I see is....a Huge Asshole. I can be friendly and cool. I mean we were friends as well as lovers at one time. But I can't give him what he wants. I can't lie. I don't feel for him what he still feels for me. I don't love him anymore. Not in the slightest.

I don't want to say any of this to him. I don't want to flatter him or lie in anyway but I don't want him to feel used either. I text him the only truth I can stand behind.

"Look, you were there for me just like I would be for you if you really needed me. I'm not sure what to call us, that's all."

It ain't poetry, but atleast I'm being honest.

"I consider you someone whom I know I could rely on in a pinch no matter what," he replies, apparently trying to answer the question for both of us. "So yeah, you're like a friend that I don't have to see for years but could feel right at home with when I do."

Ok, I'll give him that.

"Yeah, that sounds about right," I respond. I'm not sure if I completely agree, but I'm too tired and emotionally drained from my Rocker issues to care.

I stop texting. I figured I'd leave things on a high note. I climb back into bed and try my best to fall asleep.

It was a long day and I'm so happy it's finally over! I'm even happier that I finally know the next time I'm going to see The Rocker! One way or the other all of this is going to end. I've felt paralyzed these last few weeks. Unable to move with or on from The Rocker. At this point a breakup is sounding pretty good. Atleast it would end the day to day agony of living in the unknown.

One thing that I know for certain is that he still loves me. His last text help reaffirm that. I don't know what he's been freaking out on but it definitely has nothing to do with anything I've done. I think maybe he's been freaking out on the perception he has of me. Of what a 'typical girlfriends' reaction would be to all this.

He thinks I'm angry. I'm not. All I want is for him to talk to me. To tell me what the hell was going on! I can't stand this, "We'll discuss it when I see you" crap. Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with breaking up with someone via phone or text. I mean, why would I want to see someone in person for something like that? Why would I want the pleasure of watching them walk away from me? Shoot me a text and be done. No explanations necessary. Say you don't want me and I'm out.

My mind starts to race again and I once again try to clear it. I need to fall asleep! I just need one happy thought. Just one dammit!

I can only think of one. I can now officially say, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am no longer in love with Huge Asshole.

I roll over and finally fall asleep.

WCC