Machine Gun Kisses

You know I'm loaded when you see me spit a shot of Hennessy into Douchebags mouth at a downtown rooftop pool party. It's official Dear Reader, I'm single again...

I had a blast with Dude the other night. He was much better looking person than in his photos. I walked into Loaded and saw him standing at the bar ordering the two of us drinks. He was shorter then I usually prefer my men but still stood a healthy 5'10".  He had thick black hair, dark eyes and more than enough facial hair to set me swooning. The ear plugs and tatted arms didn't hurt either. I could see the look of surprise on his face when I walked up. Apparently my photos don't do me justice. We hung at the bar for a few hours and then in my car for a few more after that.

There was some making out and some limited groping. I made the boy behave. One thing I was certain of. I was comfortable with the guy. Not sure why. I mean I expected to be annoyed by his, "I just want to hook up," attitude but I wasn't. Probably because he actually wasn't that guy. Not in person. In person he was honest and genuine, and most definitely into me. Three characteristics I love in a man. He drove away wanting and I drove a way wondering...could I do this? And by this, I meant him.

I knew what he was looking for...sort of the same thing I was. I wanted to have fun. I wanted to date. And believe it or not I actually wanted to get over the whole, "no sex without love", business. It's doing me no good. Thanks to The Lonely I now know I need love.  I'm just not ready for it yet. I'm still in love with The Rocker. I'm painfully aware of that fact. I may have let go of the relationship but the feelings still linger. I need to flush my system of him and learn to just love me again. Like before...before The Rocker ever came into my life. So until then, I want to play.


Labor Day rolled around and I knew I wanted to go out. I wanted to meet people, I wanted to forget the last few months and get back to having a blasty blast. I got off work at 3pm and rushed home to The Plex expecting everyone to be half dressed and waiting. Most of the Hipster crew had already headed downtown to The Standard for the The Do Over event by the pool side, hours before. Instead I found three very tired, and very hung over roommates. We had stayed up partying until 6am the night before so they were all a little worse for wear.  No one was going anywhere. I was forced to settle for napping on Mr. Bostons bed while he practiced his bass.

I was so disappointed! It was hot as hell and a pool party sounded awesome. I finally dragged myself from Mr Bostons bed and headed into my room to get ready.  I knew I didn't want to head to The Standard alone, but I definitely wanted to go somewhere. I was sitting in my room very slowing fixing my hair when my salvation finally arrived via text.

"Are you at work?" My girl Henny text me.

"No," I tell her. "I've been trying to whore myself out for a burger the last hour but it's not working. Do you want to go get some Umami burgers with me?"

I hadn't ate a thing all day so had posted on Facebook about an hour before, "I will totally Do the first person to bring me Umami burger...right now."

I loved my first response from Mr Boston, "If I bring you a frozen burger from our freezer, can I win?"

"Get dressed. I want to go to The Standard. I'll be at your doorstep in 5 minutes," Henny text back.

5 minutes! I knew she meant it. She only lived 5 minutes from The Plex and it was already 5:30pm. The Do Over ended at 7pm. We had to get there, now.

I finished up my hair and applied my makeup as quickly as I could. Thank god I wear very little because I had just took off my work dress when I heard Henny in the living room talking to Hippie Chick and Homeless boyfriend. I grabbed the first thing I saw...a pair of multi colored Missoni shorts and an over sized black off the shoulder shirt. I clipped a long strip of colored feathers into my hair and ran out, red-to-go.

We made it to The Standard by 6pm. They had already cut off the line, but Henny works with The Do Over crew so we got in lickity split.  I love The Standard! There's nothing better than the feeling of being on a grassy rooftop over looking the city I love. It's so surreal. There's something so lovely about swimming in a pool with tall buildings surrounding you.

We beeline it for the bar and take the first of our many shots for the evening. I'm with Henny, so its Hennessy all around. I look over to the dance floor and see a few members of the Cochella Tribe along with Douchebag and one of my favorite members of The Party Guys, Beefie. He and I had met at the Pauly Shore party months ago and instantly clicked. He's a huge scary looking biker dude with tattoos and an oversized teddy bear disposition. That is unless you pissed him off...in that case the teddy bear could be scary as all hell...

Not with me though, I ran over to the dance floor and jumped up onto a box to give my Beefie a kiss.

"Whats up baby!" he says, pulling me into his bear-like embrace.

I turn around and give the tribesman a quick squeeze, and dish out a hug to Douchebag as well. I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn around. Its Puppy.

I hadn't seen Puppy since Ego Dog had reared his ugly head and dogged me a few weeks before. We had texted a bit during that time. I had to. I knew I needed to get it all out of my system before I saw him again. I let him have it and he took it. He figured it was the least he could do after the way he had treated me. In the end I decided to be the bigger person and squash the whole thing. We would never be friends but I could atleast tolerate the dick when he was around. Afterall, I'm still a nice fucking person.

I gave him a quick hug and then went back over to Henny. This was her crowd so I wanted to spend my time with her.  We had a blast! The drinks kept coming and we kept taking them. Neither one of us had ate all day, so by the 4th shot I was trashed. As you know, I'm not a drinker. I was definitely Goodtime Carrie that night...

During one of my shot taking escapades Douchebag walks over and asks for half of my shot. I had just poured the drink into my mouth so I did the only thing I could think of. I grabbed Douches face and covered his mouth with mine. I pushed the liquid through his lips and pulled away. He swallowed the searing liquid and began to laugh.

"What was that?" He asks me.

"Hennessy," I reply.

"Wow," he says. "That's the first time I've ever taken a shot like that."

"Happy to be the one to divirginize ya  Douche."

We both laugh and continue our festivities.

Crazy Jew runs over to me and gives me a hug.

"That's crazy I was just talking about you!" She yells excited.

She's looking super hot in just a bikini and a sheer cover up. Her and my crew had rented a room at The Standard and had been partying there since the day before. I don't think any of them had slept yet. A couple of guys immediately engage her in conversation next to us. I love having hot friends.

As I get happier, I begin to think about the rest of my night. The Do Over would be over by 8pm at the latest. I decide to shoot Dude a text to see if I could set up my own after party.

"I'm at The Standard pool party downtown drinking...with no food in my stomach...on two hours sleep...this is so not going to end well lol....wish you were closer boo," I send.

"Well if you weren't drunk and could drive I'd say come over and hang in the spa/pool with me," he sends back.

That's all the invite I needed.

"Give me an hour," I say to him.

He responds by texting me his address.

We spent the next hour partying with our friends and tearing up the dance floor. The DJ begins to slow the music down to alert the party goers that its nearing time to go.

"You still up," I text to Dude.

"Yes ma'am...get your cute butt over here," he replies.

"Working on it, headed out in a few," I say back.

I took my time. I knew the boy would wait. Henny and I hit a few parties in the suites below first. We're buzzed and the hotel was our playground. We caused a few scenes and left our mark. Sorry dear reader...can't share everything. Lets just say we had fun. We finally head back and make a quick stop at Umami's. I finally got my burger!

We go back to The Plex, and to my car. I'm feeling better after my burger. It's time to meet up with Dude.

By this time it was after 11pm. Booty call hours for sure. There wouldn't be much for us to do...but eachother...

"Can I do this", I wondered. 

I mean I know I've been saying I wanted to try the whole casual sex thing, but could I actually do it?  I guess I was going to find out. I was already in my car and driving. This was it.

I get down to his place in twenty minutes and shoot him a text telling him I'm out front.  He walks out in a pair of basket ball shorts and nothing else. The man has an amazing body! Muscular and tone without looking beefy. I'm starting to think I can do this.

"Hey, how are you," he asks, giving me a quick kiss and a hug.

It's funny, my first impression of Dude was of a douchey hit it and quit it kind of guy. But when I met him? The total opposite. He was sweet and considerate and surprisingly genuine. As far as casual sex goes, I felt I was choosing the right partner.

We go into the house and up to his bedroom. The lights are off except for his very large television against the wall. I take off my shoes and lay down on the bed. I didn't feel drunk anymore. Just really tired. Dude lays down on the bed next to me. After a tiny bit of small talk he pulls me in for a kiss.

Now I'm awake! I'm surprisingly calm. I thought I would be nervous or start to second guess myself or something but I'm not. There's some kissing and groping...and a little dirty talk from me. I'm not going to share what I said but like I've said before, I'm a girl who knows what she's doing. At one point I look up into Dude's eyes and see something I hadn't expected...he was nervous! I could actually see him trembling. There's something more than excitement going on here. Interesting.

"Lay down," I tell him.

He immediately obeys. At this point we are both naked and red-to-go. When I lay on top of him the strangest thing happens. We begin to talk. There we were, virtual strangers, laying naked in bed together having a perfectly respectable conversation. He's fondling my breast and I'm fondling his..well, you know. Both of us just as comfortable as can be. Dude comments on it.

"I'm so comfortable with you, its weird," he says to me. "You're actually the first person I've been with since my girlfriend. I didn't think it would be like this. Like, I actually want to know you. I want to keep seeing you and learn more. You are definitely a refreshing surprise."

Bingo! The pieces start to fall together. He wasn't a hit it and quit it guy. He was a heartbroken, slightly lost, I want to be this guy but don't know how to because I've been in a relationship for the last 4 years, guy. I just smile at him.

He had told me before that he had just broken up with his girl. My guess would be maybe about a month before. They had been together since she was 19. Very young for a girl. I should know, that's how old I was when I got with The Ex. He said that she was really sweet and loving but she was also like a back pack. I could get that. I remember being 19. Finding love was everything. It felt like it was the only way I could feel complete. Once I found it I put all my time and energy into it...and completely lost who I was or who I should be in the process. I guess Dude saw that happening with his girl and wanted out.  Atleast for a bit.

So here he was trying to be casual sex guy. His brother had been on Cupid for a while and was having a ton of success finding girls to bang and leave. Apparently Dude I hadn't fared as well. He went on a few dates with girls but said that he got very little back for the time and money he was putting in. The guy just wanted to hook up. He didn't want to wine and dine. His heart was still in his past relationship and up to this point these girls had paled in comparison to what he had before.

He didn't say any of this. It's just what I saw. Now he had met me, and didn't know what to make of it. I'm the kind of girl that makes a guy care. Something he wasn't capable of right now, but he still recognized the potential of the situation.

Dude finally tires of talking and throws me back on the bed. This was it, it was happening.

I was ok. Better than ok actually.  I mean I thought that I would feel some sort of moral back lash from my sub conscious during the act, but I didn't. I was aware that there was a level of intimacy missing from the situation but that was about it. I felt ok, in control, sexy. I push him off of me and climb on top of him. I didn't stay up there for long. I could tell the boy couldn't hang.

"Wow, you're good at this," he says to me. "I'm used to being the one who does all the work but this? Wow..."

"Guess you need to stop fucking little girls," I say back to him.

 I'm such an asshole.

He laughs and then immediately begins to groan. I hold back. I want to make sure he feels like the man after this experience. No use in pulling out all my tricks the first time around. He lasted much longer than I thought he would. Impressive. I could see the potential. The two of us could get really good at this.

I'm surprised by how calm I am afterwards. I did it. I had casual sex with a semi stranger...and I was ok with it. Perhaps it was Dude. On some very real level I trusted him. He was a good guy. He was going through something, much like I was. I was happy we had found eachother.

We get dressed and lay next to eachother on the bed. He begins rubbing my back. Sweet. I close my eyes and begin to drift to sleep.

"You can sleep here," Dude says to me. "I mean, I would like you to stay. We can just pass out and then in the morning I can strip you down again."

"No, no I need to get going," I answer back with a smile.

I don't want to spend the night. It would blur the lines. I didn't want to start to care or allow him to turn me into his rebound. If I stayed, that's exactly what would happen. I could see us both slipping into those roles easy as pie...and then one day regretting it. Neither one of us should have been dating. Better I leave and keep things simple.

"Just 5 more minutes and I'll head out," I say to him.

I close my eyes and lay my head down again. Dude leans over and does something that confirms my decision. He gives me a very tender kiss on my cheek.

It was sweet, and intimate, and my cue to go. He didn't realize it but he was slipping back into relationship guy. It had nothing to do with me. Ok, that's not totally true. He liked me. But he was still in love with 'her'. As much as he was enjoying my company and getting to know me, we didn't know eachother well enough yet to have moments like these.

I get dressed and he walks me out. We embrace outside my car and he kisses me again. Before he shuts my door he says to me, "Call me when you get home baby?"

Uh oh. Now he's calling me baby? Yep, rebound. Time to go.

I nod my head and shut my door. I drive home, my mind totally blank. I shoot Dude a text when I get home.

"Just got home. Night boo," I send.

"Night beautiful. Glad you're home safe," he says back.

I lay down on my bed in the dark and stare up at the ceiling. I feel ok. I'm still me. I had a good day. I got to spend time with my girl Henny and end the day in the arms of a hot guy. What was even better was I didn't feel an urge to see him again. I was good. We met, we connected, we enjoyed eachother, now I felt done.

The next morning Dude sends me a text first thing.

"Goodmorning! I really enjoyed being with you last night. I want to do you again asap...," he sends.

Ha. I'm sure you do.

I respond by sending him a photo of me in a very thin see through white tank top and a pair of my Hanky Panky lace underwear.

"Good morning to you too," I text.

"Tease!" he replies...and then sends a pic of himself as well.

The photo is of him standing in front of a mirror shirtless with his tatted arm reaching into his pants to grab his manhood. Funny. I'm not really a picture kind of girl. I mean I'll send out pictures of myself until my face turns blue but receiving pics doesn't really do it for me. Men keep sending them to me nonetheless. I still think I have pictures of Partyboys penis on my phone somewhere... I can't see Dude's penis in the picture but just barely.  Don't get me wrong. I can appreciate the hotness of the pic, its just not my thing. 

So I did what I think anyone would do in a situation like this...I forward the picture to all my friends...well just my two dirtiest. Pop a Squat and The Crazy Jew.

"Look what I 'did' last night," I send.

"OMG, please say he has a brother," Pop a Squat immediately text back.

"Yes!!" Crazy Jew responds, "I had a good night too! Banged a hottie myself. He's hilarious, I love doing hilarious people."

Oh don't we all.

"Are we in a battle?" I text back to Dude.

"Only if you want to lose," he says.

"Oh, I would win, " I reply.  I have a whole artillery of photos on my phone. Photo shopped and ready to go. "But I think you have enough pics of me. For now..."

"For now :)," he sends back.

I smile and roll back over on my bed. His text weren't giving me the effect he probably wanted. It was amusing but I was done with this. Done with him. I needed to be done. I knew that if we continued seeing each other I would start to care. Even though I shouldn't.

Dude wasn't the type of guy I wanted to be stuck with. I mean he was sweet and ambitious. But there was a youth and innocence to him that didn't fit in with who I am. I could tell he had lived a good life. Loving parents and brother. A circle of friends he had known for years.  A healthy upbringing. Me on the other hand? I had been through enough pain and suffering to have a slightly different take on life. I needed someone who hid the same darkness I did behind his eyes. I needed someone who got it. Got me and had the same type of depth and understanding about how I viewed the world.

I avoid texting Dude for a few days. That's when I finally get the message I think a part of me knew would be coming.

"Hey Carrie," Dude texts. "I think you are an amazing person and I've had a really good time getting to know you. But I just wanted to let you know I'm in a relationship now and can't continue to talk to you, out of respect for my girlfriend. I wish you the best."

Without thinking I immediately text back, "Got it. Thanks for texting boo."

He had told me once that he liked it when I called him boo. I wanted him to know that we were ok. I kept it short to be respectful but still made sure he knew I understood.

I felt upset. Not hurt but upset. At first I couldn't figure out why. I mean I knew this was coming.  I knew that he would probably end up back with his ex. I saw an end for us very early on. Hell, we never intended on having a beginning. I didn't feel used. I actually didn't feel used at all.  What we did was honest and real. So what was it?

That's when it hit me. I was jealous. I wasn't jealous because she had him. I was jealous because they had each other. I was jealous because they weren't alone. They cared for eachother. I didn't want him. I wanted what they had. I wanted what I've had in the past.

I thought I could do this. Be single again, burn through a bunch of guys, sleep freely with who I wanted. But that isn't me. This isn't me anymore.

I'm not the girl who machine gunned guys at my blog the way I did back in January. Nor am I the girl who is content and happy with just being alone. 

I know who I am. I was going backwards with this Dude business. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad it happened. It was nice to know that it wasn't morality that kept me from sleeping with guys. It was disinterest. I didn't need sex to make me feel better. I didn't need to date to make myself feel whole.

What I desired was intimacy. Out of everything that Dude and I did only a few moment stand out. That kiss he gave me on my cheek and when he called me 'baby'. Both were sweet. Both said he cared.  Both were the types of moments that I craved.

I don't want to waste my time with silly dating anymore. I want to find a friend. Someone I care about. Someone who cares about me. Someone who makes me smile.

I pull out my phone and I text the other two guys I was talking to, The Nerd and Random British Guy. I text them that I wasn't interested in dating anymore.

I had met Random British Guy at Partyboys job the night before. We had fun together that night but he was moving back to London later that week. No point in wasting anymore time with him. The Nerd was from OkCupid. Just another guy I was talking to but hadn't connected with yet. He had made little efforts to really ask me out so I knew it was time to cut him off.

I'm back on my search. Back to trying to find my Cool Rider. I had told myself that I would wait as long as it took. That I wouldn't settle, yet that's what I've been doing. It was time to give The Lonely what it wanted. But this time around I wouldn't make the same mistake I did with The Rocker. This time, I would find someone who wanted me back.

Thank you Dude. You helped me find the last piece of the puzzle. You helped me find me again. I hope things work out between you and your girl. My useless superpower says they won't. Honestly I doubt it'll last a month. All breakups do is create insecurity and jealousy, but who knows? You two may beat the odds. I hope you do. Sometimes it really sucks being alone.

As for me? Its time for me to take my own advice and wait for the arrow. Wait for the gasp. Wait for my Cool Rider.

Sorry dear reader, WCC isn't back. I am. But don't you worry, she's not the only one who has something to say.

xoxo,
Carrie