Sunday, August 28, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Intervention
"I get it, you just want love," I hear Mr Boston say, his voice slightly muffled by my hair. "I'm right there with you, but at the same time I still feel like I have nothing to give someone. I can't take that leap."
I let the tears stream freely down my face. Mr Boston re-adjust his body so that we are still snuggling without his weight crushing me. We're laying in my bed wrapped in each others arms. He knows that I need the human contact right now. In a way we both do. We're the only singles at The Plex and it just so happens that the two of us had just had our hearts crushed before moving in together. We've been on this journey of healing together. He played his cards right. He stayed single. As for me? Well we all know the shit I've been getting myself into...
The Plex staged an intervention for me the other night. I don't think it was planned. Well, maybe it was. Long story short they wanted me to talk to them. I think more than anything they wanted me to feel. I mean sure, I've been angry. God knows I've been angry. But the one thing I haven't allowed myself to be is sad. I've said it, but I haven't felt it. Until my loving rat bastard meddling roommates decided to stop me in the middle of the street and force me to feel.
We had just came back from a friends birthday party. On the way home the boys were teasing me about the Puppy situation. By the time we reached The Plex I had had enough of the, "I told you so's".
I turned off the engine and turned to face them.
"Look, I get that this is probably funny to you guys, but believe it or not he actually did really hurt me."
I shouldn't have said it! I shouldn't have said the word, ''Hurt". The second I did the door cracked opened. The door that I had been leaning against for over a month. My eyes began to fill with tears. I quickly got out of the car. Why in the hell had I parked so far?!
"Carrie wait," Mr. Boston says, stopping my hasty departure and pulling me into his arms.
That did it. The tears began to pour out of me. I couldn't stop them now if I tried.
"Look Carrie," Homeless Boyfriend says. "We're not trying to hurt your feelings. The point we were trying to make was that we told you not to get involved with Puppy and now look what happened. We were trying to help you avoid all this."
"So its my fault that he did this to me," I say to him, still crying.
"No," Homeless Boyfriend replies. "This was messed up. I don't want you to think that any of us are taking sides here. We're not."
"Carrie," Hippie Chick interrupts. "I don't think what your feeling right now has to do with Puppy. I think there's something more going on here."
"Come on, lets get into the house," Mr Boston says, squeezing me tighter.
We all head back into The Plex and my LA Fam Bam surround me on the couch.
"You know whats crazy," Hippie Chick says. "I've known you for like 3 years but I think this is the first time that I've ever seen you cry."
"I know," I answer. "I don't like to. I like to be in control."
"This is good then," she says. "You need to cry. You need to feel and let go."
"It was way to soon for you to be dating," Mr Boston says. "I mean all that crazy shit happened with The Rocker and then you got into this. You just need to be alone man."
"You said it yourself, you weren't really into Puppy," Homeless boyfriend cuts in. "It needed to end."
"I just didn't think it would be like this," I say. "I thought we were friends. I didn't think he had it in him to hurt me like this. I thought he respected me more. I thought he cared."
The tears start to fall harder. This is the reason I try to avoid crying! Once I do, once I open the gates, I can't stop them.
"You did keep telling him that the two of you would never be anything," HB tells me. "I know he shouldn't have done what he did, but I know you're not upset about not being with him anymore. I think you just never dealt with what happened with The Rocker. I mean have you two even spoke since the break up?'
"I text him a few times," I tell them. "He answered once, not the other. I guess he really was relieved that I left him."
I choke up again. God this crying business is exhausting! Mr. Boston pulls my head into his chest. It makes me feel better and I calm down a bit.
"We need to do this more," Hippie Chick says. "It's been a while since we have even had a dinner together."
"Yeah, what happened to our bowling league idea?" Homeless Boyfriend asks.
Everyone starts to laugh. The three of them start to joke with eachother and make small talk about nothing in particular. I know what they were doing. They were trying to take the attention off of me. They were allowing me to work through my new found pain. They were allowing me to deal with them still there. Supporting me in anyway that I needed.
We sat in our living room for an hour. Three am rolled around. It was time for us to go to sleep. Everyone stood up and only paused for a moment before they gathered around me pulled me into a Plex Force hug.
I walked into my room and threw myself down on my bed. I was sad. After a few moments Mr Boston walks in and lays down next to me pulling me into his arms. We stayed that way for about 20 minutes. We talked. It was nice. It was what I needed.
"You just need to be alone for awhile," he tells me. "In the meanwhile, you have us."
I laugh through my tears. I've exhausted myself. It had been long night.
"Ok, I'd like to wash my face and go to sleep now Mr Boston," I say.
"Yeah, I'm starting to sweat on you now anyways," Mr Boston replies, pealing away from my tear streaked face.
I go into the bathroom and wash up. I lay back down onto my bed and prepare for a long night of crying.
I'm still crying. I wake up in tears. I fall asleep with them as well. I had avoided all of this for far to long. It was time for me to feel. Its time for me to cry and be sad. As much as I hate it, I know its good.
I don't know who I'm hurt by anymore. The Rocker, or Puppy? I think it was all just to much! I was in no place to be hurt by two guys within a one month span. I didn't ask for it. I loved The Rocker. I actually did care about Puppy. But neither one of them cared for me in the same way.
I don't want to deal with this pain anymore. So I won't let it happen again. I'll date. But I won't feel. Like Mr. Boston said. I don't have anything to give anyone right now.
So I won't.
WCC
I let the tears stream freely down my face. Mr Boston re-adjust his body so that we are still snuggling without his weight crushing me. We're laying in my bed wrapped in each others arms. He knows that I need the human contact right now. In a way we both do. We're the only singles at The Plex and it just so happens that the two of us had just had our hearts crushed before moving in together. We've been on this journey of healing together. He played his cards right. He stayed single. As for me? Well we all know the shit I've been getting myself into...
The Plex staged an intervention for me the other night. I don't think it was planned. Well, maybe it was. Long story short they wanted me to talk to them. I think more than anything they wanted me to feel. I mean sure, I've been angry. God knows I've been angry. But the one thing I haven't allowed myself to be is sad. I've said it, but I haven't felt it. Until my loving rat bastard meddling roommates decided to stop me in the middle of the street and force me to feel.
We had just came back from a friends birthday party. On the way home the boys were teasing me about the Puppy situation. By the time we reached The Plex I had had enough of the, "I told you so's".
I turned off the engine and turned to face them.
"Look, I get that this is probably funny to you guys, but believe it or not he actually did really hurt me."
I shouldn't have said it! I shouldn't have said the word, ''Hurt". The second I did the door cracked opened. The door that I had been leaning against for over a month. My eyes began to fill with tears. I quickly got out of the car. Why in the hell had I parked so far?!
"Carrie wait," Mr. Boston says, stopping my hasty departure and pulling me into his arms.
That did it. The tears began to pour out of me. I couldn't stop them now if I tried.
"Look Carrie," Homeless Boyfriend says. "We're not trying to hurt your feelings. The point we were trying to make was that we told you not to get involved with Puppy and now look what happened. We were trying to help you avoid all this."
"So its my fault that he did this to me," I say to him, still crying.
"No," Homeless Boyfriend replies. "This was messed up. I don't want you to think that any of us are taking sides here. We're not."
"Carrie," Hippie Chick interrupts. "I don't think what your feeling right now has to do with Puppy. I think there's something more going on here."
"Come on, lets get into the house," Mr Boston says, squeezing me tighter.
We all head back into The Plex and my LA Fam Bam surround me on the couch.
"You know whats crazy," Hippie Chick says. "I've known you for like 3 years but I think this is the first time that I've ever seen you cry."
"I know," I answer. "I don't like to. I like to be in control."
"This is good then," she says. "You need to cry. You need to feel and let go."
"It was way to soon for you to be dating," Mr Boston says. "I mean all that crazy shit happened with The Rocker and then you got into this. You just need to be alone man."
"You said it yourself, you weren't really into Puppy," Homeless boyfriend cuts in. "It needed to end."
"I just didn't think it would be like this," I say. "I thought we were friends. I didn't think he had it in him to hurt me like this. I thought he respected me more. I thought he cared."
The tears start to fall harder. This is the reason I try to avoid crying! Once I do, once I open the gates, I can't stop them.
"You did keep telling him that the two of you would never be anything," HB tells me. "I know he shouldn't have done what he did, but I know you're not upset about not being with him anymore. I think you just never dealt with what happened with The Rocker. I mean have you two even spoke since the break up?'
"I text him a few times," I tell them. "He answered once, not the other. I guess he really was relieved that I left him."
I choke up again. God this crying business is exhausting! Mr. Boston pulls my head into his chest. It makes me feel better and I calm down a bit.
"We need to do this more," Hippie Chick says. "It's been a while since we have even had a dinner together."
"Yeah, what happened to our bowling league idea?" Homeless Boyfriend asks.
Everyone starts to laugh. The three of them start to joke with eachother and make small talk about nothing in particular. I know what they were doing. They were trying to take the attention off of me. They were allowing me to work through my new found pain. They were allowing me to deal with them still there. Supporting me in anyway that I needed.
We sat in our living room for an hour. Three am rolled around. It was time for us to go to sleep. Everyone stood up and only paused for a moment before they gathered around me pulled me into a Plex Force hug.
I walked into my room and threw myself down on my bed. I was sad. After a few moments Mr Boston walks in and lays down next to me pulling me into his arms. We stayed that way for about 20 minutes. We talked. It was nice. It was what I needed.
"You just need to be alone for awhile," he tells me. "In the meanwhile, you have us."
I laugh through my tears. I've exhausted myself. It had been long night.
"Ok, I'd like to wash my face and go to sleep now Mr Boston," I say.
"Yeah, I'm starting to sweat on you now anyways," Mr Boston replies, pealing away from my tear streaked face.
I go into the bathroom and wash up. I lay back down onto my bed and prepare for a long night of crying.
I'm still crying. I wake up in tears. I fall asleep with them as well. I had avoided all of this for far to long. It was time for me to feel. Its time for me to cry and be sad. As much as I hate it, I know its good.
I don't know who I'm hurt by anymore. The Rocker, or Puppy? I think it was all just to much! I was in no place to be hurt by two guys within a one month span. I didn't ask for it. I loved The Rocker. I actually did care about Puppy. But neither one of them cared for me in the same way.
I don't want to deal with this pain anymore. So I won't let it happen again. I'll date. But I won't feel. Like Mr. Boston said. I don't have anything to give anyone right now.
So I won't.
WCC
Thursday, August 25, 2011
The Lonely
It finally found me. What I've been running from for almost four years now...The Lonely.
I couldn't hide from it anymore. I've been to sad. I miss The Rocker. I'm hurt over how Ego Dog treated me. More than anything I'm just tired. Tired of dating. Tired of getting hurt. Tired of having to start over, time and time again.
Before The Rocker came along I was good. I was content with just being me and hanging with my friends. But then I fell in love. Out of no where I was struck across the face by Cupids bow. I resisted at first, but then finally melted into the comfort of it all. For 2 whole months I was deliciously happy.
I miss being happy.
People often ask me if I would ever get married again. They're shocked to hear that I hope I do. I miss being married. I miss waking up every morning and knowing exactly where my place was in the world. I miss knowing that no matter what happened in my life, my husband would be by my side. There was no doubt, no jealousy, no fear. We loved each other enough to stand together before God and promise him that we would take care of each other forever. Why would we ever doubt each other after doing something like that?
Maybe that's part of the reason why I'm wandering now. Maybe that broken promise set off some sort of karmic backlash from the Heavens. One where I was destined to bounce in and out of relationships for all of eternity.
I know I'm probably exaggerating as usual. The point I'm trying to make is that I don't want to wander anymore. I want to find my place in the world again.
I miss The Rocker, but he wasn't, 'The One'. The One never would have let me walk away. The One would not have doubted. Would not have been afraid. He was a Cool Rider. I know that without a doubt. That man thrilled me. He made me feel like a silly girl and I let him know in every way I could that I was his for the taking. But it still didn't work out because I forgot one very important character trait.
I needed a man who also wanted me back.
I had told myself that I would never settle for anything less than a Cool Rider...and then I did. I started in with Ego Dog when I knew he didn't have what it took to make me forget. Forget that I was an Alpha Female. Forget that I didn't need a man. Forget that I was afraid of love and make me stop and pay attention to the opportunity that stood before me. Instead I settled for a boy, and a heartless one at that.
I've been running from The Lonely because I didn't want to hear it's message. What I've been afraid of this entire time was hearing these three simple words,
"You need love."
Real love. The kind I had before when I was married. When I was safe. When I knew my place in the world.
I made The Lonely into some sort of twisted beast who stalked me at my weakest. One that would rear it's ugly head after every break up. After every let down. After every disrespecting prick wronged me. A beast that wanted to rub in my pain. One that wanted to break me down and make things worse for me. But I realize now that that's not what it's been trying to do. It's actually been trying to help me.
It's been trying to help because The Lonely...is me.
I need to listen. I need to let go. I need to not be afraid. I need to be open. I need to not settle and chance the pain in hopes to find what it is that I really need...Love.
I'm still afraid. But I trust The Lonely. I trust me.
Thank you dear reader. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sticking with me during my journey. I'm sorry it took me this long to figure things out.
West Coast Carrie wants to find love.
Oh lord, this can't be good.
WCC
I couldn't hide from it anymore. I've been to sad. I miss The Rocker. I'm hurt over how Ego Dog treated me. More than anything I'm just tired. Tired of dating. Tired of getting hurt. Tired of having to start over, time and time again.
Before The Rocker came along I was good. I was content with just being me and hanging with my friends. But then I fell in love. Out of no where I was struck across the face by Cupids bow. I resisted at first, but then finally melted into the comfort of it all. For 2 whole months I was deliciously happy.
I miss being happy.
People often ask me if I would ever get married again. They're shocked to hear that I hope I do. I miss being married. I miss waking up every morning and knowing exactly where my place was in the world. I miss knowing that no matter what happened in my life, my husband would be by my side. There was no doubt, no jealousy, no fear. We loved each other enough to stand together before God and promise him that we would take care of each other forever. Why would we ever doubt each other after doing something like that?
Maybe that's part of the reason why I'm wandering now. Maybe that broken promise set off some sort of karmic backlash from the Heavens. One where I was destined to bounce in and out of relationships for all of eternity.
I know I'm probably exaggerating as usual. The point I'm trying to make is that I don't want to wander anymore. I want to find my place in the world again.
I miss The Rocker, but he wasn't, 'The One'. The One never would have let me walk away. The One would not have doubted. Would not have been afraid. He was a Cool Rider. I know that without a doubt. That man thrilled me. He made me feel like a silly girl and I let him know in every way I could that I was his for the taking. But it still didn't work out because I forgot one very important character trait.
I needed a man who also wanted me back.
I had told myself that I would never settle for anything less than a Cool Rider...and then I did. I started in with Ego Dog when I knew he didn't have what it took to make me forget. Forget that I was an Alpha Female. Forget that I didn't need a man. Forget that I was afraid of love and make me stop and pay attention to the opportunity that stood before me. Instead I settled for a boy, and a heartless one at that.
I've been running from The Lonely because I didn't want to hear it's message. What I've been afraid of this entire time was hearing these three simple words,
"You need love."
Real love. The kind I had before when I was married. When I was safe. When I knew my place in the world.
I made The Lonely into some sort of twisted beast who stalked me at my weakest. One that would rear it's ugly head after every break up. After every let down. After every disrespecting prick wronged me. A beast that wanted to rub in my pain. One that wanted to break me down and make things worse for me. But I realize now that that's not what it's been trying to do. It's actually been trying to help me.
It's been trying to help because The Lonely...is me.
I need to listen. I need to let go. I need to not be afraid. I need to be open. I need to not settle and chance the pain in hopes to find what it is that I really need...Love.
I'm still afraid. But I trust The Lonely. I trust me.
Thank you dear reader. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sticking with me during my journey. I'm sorry it took me this long to figure things out.
West Coast Carrie wants to find love.
Oh lord, this can't be good.
WCC
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
House Broken
Friday night I found myself onstage at the Palladium getting my jiggy on with LL Cool J. Who knew that Saturday night I would have ended with Puppy taking a shit on me in front of all my friends. Man did this weekend take a turn for the worse. I should have known that boy wasn't house broken...
The last few weeks have been a total blur. I wasn't kidding when I said that I had a plus one to every event in and out of town. Since I decided to run from my pain and kick it with The Cochella Tribe, my life has been one all nighter after another. It's funny how easy Puppy makes it for me to say yes to him.
"Do you want to go to Avalon on Friday to see Green Velvet? I already got you on the comp list and we can just swing by to pick you up when you get off work," Puppy will say to me. Uh, ok.
"Do you want to see STS9 at The House of Blues in Hollywood on Thursday? I'm already here and I know you're off so honestly no really isn't an option." Uh, ok.
"Do you want to see De La Soul and Z Trip at the Palladium on Friday? I already got comp tickets for you and everyone at The Plex." Uh, ok.
The boy makes it impossible to say no. He fills up my week with activities before I wake in the morning. Hell, half the time he's laying next to me when I wake up. Now don't get excited. I've kept my chastity intact. Like I said, Puppy isn't my normal kind of guy. I've never been very attracted to him. I've always said that he was cute and funny but I need a man who excites me. I need goosebumps. He's much to small for me to want to hit the sheets with. I need a man who can throw me around. Honestly I'd be afraid of breaking the poor boy in half.
But I've enjoyed the companionship. Things were easy and uncomplicated. We were friends and that's what I needed more than anything at the time. The Tribes have been loving it. The Plex boys may have objected at first, but now they enjoyed his company as much as I did. The other day while at the House of Blues The Street Artist and his Twisty Girl pulled me aside to talk to me about him.
"So have you guys hooked up yet?" The Street Artist asks me after Puppy had went to the bar to buy a drink.
"What do you mean? We got together on the camping trip remember?" I reply confused.
"No, I mean have you guys hooked up yet," he says again, raising his eyebrows up and down a few times.
Oh god.
"Oh, do you mean have we done it?" I reply while making a vulgar gesture with my index finger and other hand.
"Yeah!" He screams back as he starts dry humping the air.
"No ass, I haven't," I tell him.
"Are you going to?" He continues.
"Uh no. I have no plans to."
"Please," he says to me.
What the?
"No!" I answer.
"Please!" He repeats, sticking out his lower lip giving me his best pouty face.
"Dude, what the hell? Why do you care," I ask laughing.
"No I'm just screwing with you," he says back. "Its just we really love you guys."
"Yeah," his Twisty Girl chimes in. "We just think you're awesome, and he is awesome, and you two are just so awesome together..."
Instigating drunks.
"Thanks," I answer back. "But look, I don't want to go there. I just want to keep things cool. It'll be much easier to kick it around him if we just dated, and not screwed."
A few days later the question came up again. This time from Hippie Chick.
"So have you had sex with him yet?" She asks me.
"Nope," I respond.
"I don't know how you do it man," she says shaking her head.
"Easy. I mean do you have any idea how much respect and trust I need to have from a guy before I do something like that?" I tell her. "Besides, I can't sleep with a guy when I'm still in love with another. I still haven't dealt with my feelings about The Rocker. I need to be alone and process that before I get intimate with anyone else."
It was true. I've been trying to run from my feelings and lock them up inside of me. Unfortunately those son of bitches keep seeping through the cracks. There hasn't been one intimate moment between Puppy and I where I haven't been thinking about my lost love...
There are certain gestures that I do when I'm in a relationship that are habitual for me. For instance rubbing someones head (and I mean the one on your neck, you pervy reader you). There is nothing I love more than giving the one I care about a nice rub down. Its just as comforting to me as it is to them. Out of habit I've reached out to give Puppy a scratch...and then immediately felt guilty about it. The gesture felt to intimate. It made me think of The Rocker. It made me feel like I was cheating.
No, that's not it. It wasn't guilt because of The Rocker. It was guilt over not being true to myself.
I remember the day I picked him up from the airport. I had left out the the fact that I had had plans that night to go to Henny's mans birthday dinner. I knew anyone I brought would be welcome, but I didn't want to bring him. I didn't want to bring him because I knew that the guy wasn't worthy of me and I was embarrassed to present him to my friends. I was embarrassed to show them how weak I was. Embarrassed to admit that I was indulging in a emotionless rebound.
Being around The Tribes was a different story. We lived in our own little world where he and I seemed perfectly natural. But in the real world, we definitely did not match.
Long story short, I decided to let him join me. Needless to say I got the reaction I expected.
"He's cool," Henny said to me when we were alone in the kitchen with one of our other dancers. "It's just that he's not your usual kind of guy. I mean we're used to seeing you with guys like Partyboy. You know, super tall burly men."
"I know," I answer her. "We're just dating. It's nothing serious and he knows it. He's just nice and safe and distracting."
"Yeah he seems chill," The Dancer says. "So are you sure you don't want to get serious with this guy?"
"No," I tell her. "Look besides the fact that I'm still hoping The Rocker and I will figure out how to work things out, this guy really isn't my type. He's really cool and all but I'm really not into his scene. He parties way to hard. You know I'm not into guys who do drugs and shit. Grosses me out. It's cool right now because he isnt' mine so I don't give a shit what he does. But if we were together? I would care and it would rip me apart."
"Ew, oh really," Dancer asks. "Yeah, that's not cool. I get it."
Even Henny's man chimed in that night.
"He's a nice guy, but I dig The Rocker more," he says to me.
I laugh, "Well I do to, but he really isn't an option anymore. I'm not choosing between the two. If I was we both know who the obvious winner would be."
"So things are done with you and The Rocker for sure then huh," he asks.
"Looks like it. I sort of got an attitude with him during our last conversation," I say. "I'm pretty sure I slammed the door on any further communications from him. Honestly its better this way. The only thing worse than being with him, was trying to pretend I could be friends with him."
"A clean break was probably a good idea then,"he says. "Just put it on ice for now. If it was anything of substance, it won't melt."
That was deep. I smile at him. I love my friends. And I sort of hated me.
I left there place frustrated with myself. I mean what was I doing? I needed to end it. But I couldn't. I was afraid of The Lonely. I didn't realize at the time that what I should have been afraid of was my silly little Puppy.
I continued to hang with him. We got closer over the last few weeks. I began to think maybe I didn't need to feel a strong attraction to someone to be with them. Maybe I should try caring about someone who was my friend first. We had fun together. He made me comfortable. It was nice to be able to laugh again with someone. I began to relax into it. And the more I did, so did he. And that's when I began to see it. The little glimpses of the Egotistical Dog that was hiding within.
It started while we were out with Henny and her crowd. I love her scene. Every party, every club, every under ground with her is glorious retro Afro funky fun. She rolls with a collection of percussionist and soul DJ's. Her scene is very Urban and real and chill. People in her scene don't bring drugs to a party (well weed, but who counts that?). They bring homemade organic hummus and instruments and a willingness to dance their ass's off all night. Its peace love and drumbeats all night long with theses beautiful people. They bring the party. They are home to me.
While out partying with the Afro Crew, Ego Dog says to me, "Man, its really nice to be at a place where I'm not recognized. It's really nice to just be able to chill without fans rolling up on me every 5 minutes."
Uh, yeah. It must be a real drag. Good thing no one here would give a shit even if they knew who you were Ego Dog.
Oh and then how about this one, "You know its so great that I have my friends to keep me grounded. They are constantly making fun of me when I get approached by my fans. There teasing is great because it helps me to remember who I am."
Uh, ok. And who are you again? Oh yeah...Ego Dog. Glad you can still hang with the little people man. You're a giver.
Or my favorite, "Yeah the other day I ran into this girl from college that I had banged once. Afterwards she had wanted a relationship with me but I didn't. She told me that she now brags about how she once fucked a guy who is now a DJ for __________. How sad is it that she uses my name to make herself look good? So stupid right?"
You took the words right out of my mouth dude.
I told Homeless boyfriend once how I was going to start keeping a tally mark everytime Ego Dog name dropped someone to me. An act that was completely lost on me considering I had no idea who half the people he was talking about were. If the names didn't have the words, "Red Hot," Or, "Chili Peppers," in it I didn't give a rats ass.
I guess his Ego didn't bother me at first because I thought it was funny. I personally didn't see anything for him to be egotistical about. He would make a douchey comment and I would merely pat him on the head and say, "Good boy." Maybe even give him a treat. It was cute he thought of himself as the popular boy in school. I have a feeling he used to be a really big nerd and was finally enjoying the first positive attention he's ever received in his life. Whatever. I'm a supportive person. Kudos to you man.
It wasn't until this last weekend that I realized the type of damage his Ego could cause.
On Saturday The Tribes joined together to enjoy a Block Party downtown. We invaded the public transportation stations in true Hipster form. Party hats and drunken antics ensued. The ride downtown was a fun one. The only damper on the festivities was the presence of one of Puppys exes. Not that it was her fault. She was apart of The Cochella Tribe and just as sweet as the rest of them. It was the first time I had met her so I thought that things might be a little awkward at first. What I didn't expect was that the poor girl would be dragged through the mud by a rabid Ego Dog.
I could tell the second she saw Puppy lean over and give me a kiss that she had no idea that he and I had been dating. It was written all over her poor little face. The guy had been texting her all week and hadn't thought once to mention me? Everytime I was with him his phone would ding and I would look down to see her name staring back at me. It didn't bother me. Lord knows I talk to enough exes myself. What bothered me now was that during all these conversations he had obviously not mentioned me. At all. Even though I was sitting right next to his ass as he was texting her 90% of the time.
The day was awful. My heart poured out to her. She stared at us every possible moment. Whenever I would walk away she would be by his side. She was lost. I could tell she was having a hard time finding her place within the group if she wasn't with him. Puppy was no help. Like I said before, we've never been very PDA with each other. Well on this particular day the boy was practically dry humping my leg in front of her. The whole situation made me sick to my stomach. I felt disgusted with myself and even more so with him. I mean who was this guy? Was he really this heartless and petty?
I found out later that the answer was yes.
After the Block Party, we went back to The Tribes place to change for the Key Club. A member of my Hipster crew was spinning there so the plan was to attend and support one of our own. Puppy disappeared from the apartment before I even left the bathroom. I shot him a text, "Where you at?"
He responded with, "Key Club."
What the fuck? That was a first. He never left without telling me first. Why would he ditch out without us? Or me for that matter? I brushed it off. He was loaded and probably just antsy. Once we got to the club everything was back to normal. Puppy had his nose up my ass as usual and we all had a really good time.
But for some reason something was bothering me. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I started to get paranoid. And suspicious. Two emotions I seldom feel. I brushed it off. I figured it was probably still upset about how he had treated his ex all day. I tried to let it go.
We left the club and I looked over to see Puppy embracing another girl. I heard him say, "I love you too babe," and give her a kiss on the cheek. She was loaded off her ass and falling over into his arms.
I found out later that she was just a friend and she was there with her boyfriend celebrating her birthday. But it was the way he did it that bothered me. Granted he was loaded off his ass as usual. (The guy hadn't slept in two days. So not hot.) But still, the way he did it was just so douchey. Such a turn off.
The journey back to The Cochella Tribes apartment was a long one. There was a lot of walking, and a few cab rides. The whole time Puppy was distant. Strange considering how overly affectionate he had been with me all day. I finally found out why when we got to the apartment.
There was another girl there. One I didn't know. One that Puppy sat next to the whole night. I began to get that feeling again. What the hell was wrong with me? I never get jealous. I'm never paranoid. But something about this situation was rubbing me the wrong way.
There were about 15 of us sitting around the living room having drinks, listening to music and shooting the shit. Hippie Chick, one of the tribesman and I were all talking about Puppys Nocturnal show. We were talking about possible costume and concept ideas. I called Puppy over to listen in. He comes over and sits across from me.
"Come sit next to me," I tell him. I hadn't really spoken to him since leaving the Key Club.
Puppy gets up and sits on the floor at my feet. Okayyyy. I meant next to me on the couch dip shit but whatever.
That's when it hit me. The other girl was actually...another girl. Turns out I was right. That asshole had double booked! While he was still on a date with me! Then I remembered something. I had seen her leaving the Key Club earlier that night right when we were walking in. That asshole had ditched me at the apartment earlier so that he could spend time with her before I showed up! That dirty ass motherfucker...
I tried to shake the crazy out of my head. There's no way he could do something like that right? I mean, was he really dick enough to go to MY friends event with another girl in front of MY Hipster crew right before I was scheduled to show up? Was he really that soulless? No way. We were friends and friends would never disrespect each other in such a disgusting way.
I was wrong. Apparently we weren't friends...because he did.
At one point I was sitting on the floor next to the Other Girl. Puppy walks over and sits between us...then immediately turns his back to me so that he could talk to her. He started to do gestures and express body language that I was very familiar with. I mean the two of us had practically been living together these last few weeks. I knew him very well. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
He started talking about how wasted he was and dropping his head on his arm towards her in a cutesy way. I had been taking care of the douchebag all day! Making sure he had water, rubbing his head to help with his headache, making him eat and buy aspirin. Now here he was trying to get sympathy from Other Girl right fucking next to me?! Unbelievable.
I figured I had two choices. I could either tap the asshole on the shoulder and ask him what the fuck was going on, or leave. I decided to leave, because honestly it was pretty fucking obvious what was happening. And honestly, I didn't give a shit enough about the asshole to fight with him...or for him. I was done. With him and this situation. It was time for me to exit stage right. Just as I made my decision one of the Tribeswomen came over to sit next to me.
"Are you cool with whats happening right now?" She asks.
That was all the validation I needed.
"No, I'm not," I answered her. "I'm gonna leave."
"I'll come with you," she says.
I stand up and lean over to where Hippie Chick is sitting.
"I'm gonna go," I tell her.
"What, why?!" She asks alarmed.
"I can't deal with this," I tell her gesturing behind me to the dumbfuck twins still sitting together on the floor.
"Wait, I'll go too," she says.
I cringe. I didn't want to make a scene of this. I just wanted to exit the situation stat. I start to walk towards the door. The same Tribeswoman grabs me and pulls me to the kitchen.
"I'm so sorry," she says. "I can't fucking believe him right now. We are all so pissed. We don't even know who he is anymore."
"Look, I just want to bail," I say, anxious to leave before Puppy decided to get involved in all this.
"Wait, one of our friends pulled him into the bedroom and she's talking to him," she says.
Fuck me.
"Right now? About me?"
"Yeah," she answers back.
"Dude, I need to leave. Now," I reply panicked. I broke free of her and quickly slipped out the door.
I made it all the way to the lobby before I noticed the multiple footsteps behind me. I turn around slowly, afraid that Puppy had decided to chase after me. Thankfully it was just Hippie Chick, and two of the Tribeswomen.
"Where are you going?" Hippie Chick asks me.
"Home," I say back. Honestly I didn't know where I was going. I mean this had never happened to me! Who does this happen to? Who sits in a living room with 15 of her closet friends while his date begins his second date for the evening in front of everyone? I mean if I had a fucked-up-o-meter, that shit would have exploded.
"No your not," they answer back. "Let's go grab a milkshake at the 24 Hour Diner."
I start to argue but then stop myself. I didn't want to go home and be alone. I didn't want to sit by myself and think about how badly I had just been fucked over.
"Ok," I answer back. "Let's go."
Luckily one of the girls had brought her car keys and was able to provide a pair of shoes for the other T-women who had walked out barefoot. The three of us drove to the diner and had some much needed girl time.
It was awesome. Heartwarming. I mean I expected Hippie Chick to be by my side, but these were Puppys friends. Yet here they were sitting at a diner with me at six in the morning drinking freaking milkshakes for goodness sakes! I vented, they consoled. We laughed and bonded. Each of them endearing themselves to my heart for forever more.
So much of my life has been spent alone. In the past when fucked up things happened to me the only one consoling me was....me. I wasn't used to having such an amazing ever growing circle of women in my life. It was wonderful. I hope each one of them know how much I appreciated them at that moment. Its nice to be reminded by amazing people that just because someone treats you like shit, it doesn't mean you are.
"He's lost so much respect from me. I don't even know how to respond,"Tribeswomen 1 says to me. "I mean there are honest mistakes and that's a different story but tonight was a total dismissal of your feelings and of the relationship you guys had. You trusted him and he took advantage."
"I know. My mind is blown," I tell her. "I mean up to this point I had been turning down guys left and right out of respect for him. I mean we weren't just two random people who were dating. I thought we were friends, so I gave him the respect I thought a friend deserved. I had no idea that he didn't feel the same way. I never would have done something like this to him. Never."
"Look, you don't need to make a big ordeal about all this to him later," T1 continues. "Don't try to guilt him or scold him later. Just let him know that you respect yourself enough to not make that mistake twice and be done with it. You are a fucking Slam piece Rockstar besides being a beautiful person inside and out. You have no need or desire to compete with some dumb Cochella Tribe/Hipster wannabe tag along. Just tell Puppy bye and to save the drama for someone who cares."
Be still my freaking heart!
"Wow. I think I love you," I reply to her laughing. "Yeah, this whole thing is so fucked up. Its funny, this is making me respect Partyboy so much more. The only reason he and I are still friends now is because we never did shit like this to each other. When we started dating other people we were open and honest about it. He tried for 3 days to get a hold of me to let me know he and his girlfriend had got back together. And even afterwards, when we both knew we still like eachother, we held back and respected ourselves and her. That's why he and I are so close now. We always thought of our friendship first. I mean I know I haven't known Puppy for very long but I have to say that I don't think he is a very good person. And its crazy because the rest of you are so nice and genuine. So much for flocks of a feather."
"Ugh I know," T2 chimes in. "He' changed so much these last few months. My perception of him has just been getting worse and worse. It's hard to watch a friend turn into something so unlike the person you first met. Especially when the rest of your group doesn't see it. But now I think everyone knows. God I hope this doesn't effect the way you guys view the rest of us."
"No not at all!" I respond immediately. "I don't believe that our surroundings define who we are. Our actions do. None of us are the person we think we are in our heads. We are defined by the way we treat others. By how we present ourselves in public and in front of our loved ones. If someone respects others they respect themselves. The rest of you know who you are and its beautiful."
"Well said," T2 responds smiling.
"Exactly," T1 continues, in between drags of her milkshake. "And like I said you have too many fucking amazing friends who love you. Not one of them have the bad vibes that he is bringing around right now. Maybe somewhere down the line you guys will be friends again. I'm sure you will still be friendly. You seem much to mature to use the silent treatment but I'm glad you have the kind of self worth that enables you to say, 'Sorry buddy, you didn't make the cut. I deserve better.' I hope you know that we all love you."
"I do," I tell her. "Thank you guys so much for coming here with me. You have no idea how much you have touched my heart. As far as Puppy goes, the answer is no. We will never be friends. I'm very particular about the people that I allow to be close to me. I've never been treated like this before by anyone. My respect for him won't ever come back. I don't hold grudges but I do stick to my guns once I've written someone off. There are no second chances when it comes to shitting on me. I'm done. This was not ok."
We all sit in silence for a while letting the nights events sink in. The sun began to rise so we finally dragged ourselves away from our girlie circle of love and headed back. The girls dropped me off at my car and Hippie Chick ran upstairs to grab the boys so that she could drive them home in hers.
Sleep didn't come easy that night. I woke the next day in shock. I mean had that really just happened? Did my semi douchey little Puppy just dog me like this? Wow.
I waited for it. Waited for him to wake up. Waited to see what he would say.
"Wow, woke up on the floor with no recollection of going to sleep. Wtf happened last night? When did you leave? I remember talking with Mr. Boston and then a total blank lol," he finally texts.
I wonder who he texted first this morning? Me or her?
I don't respond. I decided to wait. Wait until someone else woke up and told this asshole what he did. The follow up text arrived an hour later.
"Okay so I'm being explained things now, apparently not my best black out night. I'm really sorry...:/"
10 minutes later, "I know you probably don't want to talk to me but at some point I'd like to if you're willing."
I may have been willing, but there was just one problem. I knew he was spending the day with Other Girl. He was driving down to San Diego for some event, and it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that he was taking her with him. The guy invited me to everything. The fact that he had completely excluded me from this event was all the proof I needed.
"Look, I'm down to talk if you really think you need that but I don't want to do this now while you're out partying up the day with her," I say. I'm not positive if he is, but I decide to go with my gut anyways. "I'd like to atleast do this part respectfully. I'll just talk to you when you get back."
I figured if I was wrong he would immediately scream out his innocence. If I was right? I wouldn't hear back from him for the rest of the day. There is no way he would be able to handle getting caught being a two timing loser again.
He responds to me over 8 hours later. Damn I hate being right all the time. That's a lie. I love it.
"Ofcourse," he sends. "I want nothing more than to do this respectfully at this point."
Way to finally become a real man ass wipe.
"I know what I did was awful and the least I can do is talk to you about it respectfully," he finishes.
I don't know what set me off at this point. I mean earlier I thought I would talk it out with him. He was a friend and I should allow him that courtesy. But that's the thing isn't it? Why should I give him any sort of courtesy when he had shown me none?
"Honestly, I'm good," I tell him. "No conversation is necessary. I'll just see you around. It's squashed."
I didn't want to talk about this anymore! Any of it. I didn't care about his explanations. I mean what could he possibly say? I had been seeing her on the side for the last week or so but still spending every possible moment with you because being with two chicks made me feel like a bad ass and forget what a loser I really am inside?
Whatever the reason, I didn't care a flying fuck to hear it. Nothing he could say could make me change my current opinion of him. I was definitely done so I didn't need an explanation from someone I didn't care to know anymore. After what just went down, Ego Dog will be lucky if I let him lick the shit off my boots. I had finally assimilated what had happened and realized I was over it. Now I was just getting annoyed at the stray dog following me around sniffing my ass.
"I know," he says. "I just feel like I owe you an explanation."
"You owe me an apology," I respond back. "I'm not interested in explanations. Nothing you can say will make this less shitty. It will just be you trying to make yourself feel better not me. Just do your thing and I'll do mine and lets call it a day."
"Yes I definitely owe you an apology..."
Ha, you owe me a lung.
"...and that is there 100%. But I do feel like I owe you an explanation. As shitty as it was there is more to it than me just being a dick."
Oh you mean there's more? I think we've had all we can handle from your dick half, Ego Dog. I'm sure no one is interested in what your other faces look like.
"Not interested," I say instead. "Sorry. Just do me right for once and drop it. I don't want to waste anymore energy on this. Its not worth it to me. I'll just see you around."
I was beginning to get really irritated. I mean after everything that had happened this guy was still making this all about him?! Nothing he could say would make me feel better. How could he not see that? He just wanted to explain so that he could feel better about himself. So that he could feel better about what he did. I'd rather try to house train the pup by rubbing his face in his own shit. Take a big whiff buddy, because WCC's not cleaning that shit up. Just sit in it.
"I know you probably don't think my explanation is worth anything, but I kind of do."
Ofcourse you do.
"Dude, I was really hoping you would respect my wishes about this," I tell him. It was now one in the morning. I had only slept 2 hours in 2 days. I was drained and hurt and angry. All I wanted was sleep and for this selfish asshole to leave me the hell alone.
"You can either drop it and enjoy a cordial relationship with me (when necessary) or I'll have to start avoiding you if you continue to insist on trying to alleviate your guilt by trying to 'explain' this bullshit. Either way you really need to back up off me right now because you're really starting to piss me off."
I was done. I wanted him to be done. I wanted silence. But ofcourse Ego Dog had to try to have the last word.
"I'm not going to try to overly defend myself because I know how mad you must be about it, but again I just do want to say that I do have an explanation."
This guy must have a death wish.
"Good for you. Night," I respond.
And with that I finally shut the yapping Pup up.
I was drained. And tired. I slept.
The next day I felt better. The embarrassment and anger had dissipated. The relief finally began to roll in. Iglad it was over. I knew that it would have to end at some point, but I didn't know how to make that happen. I probably would have got comfortable. I probably would have started to care. I probably would have slept with him and just disappeared into Hipsterland.
But now I was free. And it had happened in a way that left me smelling like roses. I wasn't hated. He was. Awesome.
Time to move on. Luckily for me, I always prepare for the worst. I made sure that I had two new characters locked and loaded for you dear reader. I know how much you all hate for there to be a lull in my ever changing dating life. In true WCC form, you know I'm always here to deliver.
The first is a surfer/remodeler/shop owner/board maker/rockandroller/hot as all hell tattoo bearing tall burly bad ass maaaannnnn. So my speed. I call this one, 'Dude'.
Not sure what the second guy does yet. I know he is an actor, but he also has a day job that pays the bills. He's over six feet as well with dirty blond hair and light blue eyes. Reminds me of a slightly older version of The Creeper (hot). Lets hope this guy can kiss better than good old Creepface. I haven't named this one yet. You'll be the first to know when I do.
As for Puppy? Sorry dear reader. I had to put the poor pup down.
Its time to for Carrie to go play with the Big Dogs again.
RIP Puppy. All your faces won't be missed.
WCC
The last few weeks have been a total blur. I wasn't kidding when I said that I had a plus one to every event in and out of town. Since I decided to run from my pain and kick it with The Cochella Tribe, my life has been one all nighter after another. It's funny how easy Puppy makes it for me to say yes to him.
"Do you want to go to Avalon on Friday to see Green Velvet? I already got you on the comp list and we can just swing by to pick you up when you get off work," Puppy will say to me. Uh, ok.
"Do you want to see STS9 at The House of Blues in Hollywood on Thursday? I'm already here and I know you're off so honestly no really isn't an option." Uh, ok.
"Do you want to see De La Soul and Z Trip at the Palladium on Friday? I already got comp tickets for you and everyone at The Plex." Uh, ok.
The boy makes it impossible to say no. He fills up my week with activities before I wake in the morning. Hell, half the time he's laying next to me when I wake up. Now don't get excited. I've kept my chastity intact. Like I said, Puppy isn't my normal kind of guy. I've never been very attracted to him. I've always said that he was cute and funny but I need a man who excites me. I need goosebumps. He's much to small for me to want to hit the sheets with. I need a man who can throw me around. Honestly I'd be afraid of breaking the poor boy in half.
But I've enjoyed the companionship. Things were easy and uncomplicated. We were friends and that's what I needed more than anything at the time. The Tribes have been loving it. The Plex boys may have objected at first, but now they enjoyed his company as much as I did. The other day while at the House of Blues The Street Artist and his Twisty Girl pulled me aside to talk to me about him.
"So have you guys hooked up yet?" The Street Artist asks me after Puppy had went to the bar to buy a drink.
"What do you mean? We got together on the camping trip remember?" I reply confused.
"No, I mean have you guys hooked up yet," he says again, raising his eyebrows up and down a few times.
Oh god.
"Oh, do you mean have we done it?" I reply while making a vulgar gesture with my index finger and other hand.
"Yeah!" He screams back as he starts dry humping the air.
"No ass, I haven't," I tell him.
"Are you going to?" He continues.
"Uh no. I have no plans to."
"Please," he says to me.
What the?
"No!" I answer.
"Please!" He repeats, sticking out his lower lip giving me his best pouty face.
"Dude, what the hell? Why do you care," I ask laughing.
"No I'm just screwing with you," he says back. "Its just we really love you guys."
"Yeah," his Twisty Girl chimes in. "We just think you're awesome, and he is awesome, and you two are just so awesome together..."
Instigating drunks.
"Thanks," I answer back. "But look, I don't want to go there. I just want to keep things cool. It'll be much easier to kick it around him if we just dated, and not screwed."
A few days later the question came up again. This time from Hippie Chick.
"So have you had sex with him yet?" She asks me.
"Nope," I respond.
"I don't know how you do it man," she says shaking her head.
"Easy. I mean do you have any idea how much respect and trust I need to have from a guy before I do something like that?" I tell her. "Besides, I can't sleep with a guy when I'm still in love with another. I still haven't dealt with my feelings about The Rocker. I need to be alone and process that before I get intimate with anyone else."
It was true. I've been trying to run from my feelings and lock them up inside of me. Unfortunately those son of bitches keep seeping through the cracks. There hasn't been one intimate moment between Puppy and I where I haven't been thinking about my lost love...
There are certain gestures that I do when I'm in a relationship that are habitual for me. For instance rubbing someones head (and I mean the one on your neck, you pervy reader you). There is nothing I love more than giving the one I care about a nice rub down. Its just as comforting to me as it is to them. Out of habit I've reached out to give Puppy a scratch...and then immediately felt guilty about it. The gesture felt to intimate. It made me think of The Rocker. It made me feel like I was cheating.
No, that's not it. It wasn't guilt because of The Rocker. It was guilt over not being true to myself.
I remember the day I picked him up from the airport. I had left out the the fact that I had had plans that night to go to Henny's mans birthday dinner. I knew anyone I brought would be welcome, but I didn't want to bring him. I didn't want to bring him because I knew that the guy wasn't worthy of me and I was embarrassed to present him to my friends. I was embarrassed to show them how weak I was. Embarrassed to admit that I was indulging in a emotionless rebound.
Being around The Tribes was a different story. We lived in our own little world where he and I seemed perfectly natural. But in the real world, we definitely did not match.
Long story short, I decided to let him join me. Needless to say I got the reaction I expected.
"He's cool," Henny said to me when we were alone in the kitchen with one of our other dancers. "It's just that he's not your usual kind of guy. I mean we're used to seeing you with guys like Partyboy. You know, super tall burly men."
"I know," I answer her. "We're just dating. It's nothing serious and he knows it. He's just nice and safe and distracting."
"Yeah he seems chill," The Dancer says. "So are you sure you don't want to get serious with this guy?"
"No," I tell her. "Look besides the fact that I'm still hoping The Rocker and I will figure out how to work things out, this guy really isn't my type. He's really cool and all but I'm really not into his scene. He parties way to hard. You know I'm not into guys who do drugs and shit. Grosses me out. It's cool right now because he isnt' mine so I don't give a shit what he does. But if we were together? I would care and it would rip me apart."
"Ew, oh really," Dancer asks. "Yeah, that's not cool. I get it."
Even Henny's man chimed in that night.
"He's a nice guy, but I dig The Rocker more," he says to me.
I laugh, "Well I do to, but he really isn't an option anymore. I'm not choosing between the two. If I was we both know who the obvious winner would be."
"So things are done with you and The Rocker for sure then huh," he asks.
"Looks like it. I sort of got an attitude with him during our last conversation," I say. "I'm pretty sure I slammed the door on any further communications from him. Honestly its better this way. The only thing worse than being with him, was trying to pretend I could be friends with him."
"A clean break was probably a good idea then,"he says. "Just put it on ice for now. If it was anything of substance, it won't melt."
That was deep. I smile at him. I love my friends. And I sort of hated me.
I left there place frustrated with myself. I mean what was I doing? I needed to end it. But I couldn't. I was afraid of The Lonely. I didn't realize at the time that what I should have been afraid of was my silly little Puppy.
I continued to hang with him. We got closer over the last few weeks. I began to think maybe I didn't need to feel a strong attraction to someone to be with them. Maybe I should try caring about someone who was my friend first. We had fun together. He made me comfortable. It was nice to be able to laugh again with someone. I began to relax into it. And the more I did, so did he. And that's when I began to see it. The little glimpses of the Egotistical Dog that was hiding within.
It started while we were out with Henny and her crowd. I love her scene. Every party, every club, every under ground with her is glorious retro Afro funky fun. She rolls with a collection of percussionist and soul DJ's. Her scene is very Urban and real and chill. People in her scene don't bring drugs to a party (well weed, but who counts that?). They bring homemade organic hummus and instruments and a willingness to dance their ass's off all night. Its peace love and drumbeats all night long with theses beautiful people. They bring the party. They are home to me.
While out partying with the Afro Crew, Ego Dog says to me, "Man, its really nice to be at a place where I'm not recognized. It's really nice to just be able to chill without fans rolling up on me every 5 minutes."
Uh, yeah. It must be a real drag. Good thing no one here would give a shit even if they knew who you were Ego Dog.
Oh and then how about this one, "You know its so great that I have my friends to keep me grounded. They are constantly making fun of me when I get approached by my fans. There teasing is great because it helps me to remember who I am."
Uh, ok. And who are you again? Oh yeah...Ego Dog. Glad you can still hang with the little people man. You're a giver.
Or my favorite, "Yeah the other day I ran into this girl from college that I had banged once. Afterwards she had wanted a relationship with me but I didn't. She told me that she now brags about how she once fucked a guy who is now a DJ for __________. How sad is it that she uses my name to make herself look good? So stupid right?"
You took the words right out of my mouth dude.
I told Homeless boyfriend once how I was going to start keeping a tally mark everytime Ego Dog name dropped someone to me. An act that was completely lost on me considering I had no idea who half the people he was talking about were. If the names didn't have the words, "Red Hot," Or, "Chili Peppers," in it I didn't give a rats ass.
I guess his Ego didn't bother me at first because I thought it was funny. I personally didn't see anything for him to be egotistical about. He would make a douchey comment and I would merely pat him on the head and say, "Good boy." Maybe even give him a treat. It was cute he thought of himself as the popular boy in school. I have a feeling he used to be a really big nerd and was finally enjoying the first positive attention he's ever received in his life. Whatever. I'm a supportive person. Kudos to you man.
It wasn't until this last weekend that I realized the type of damage his Ego could cause.
On Saturday The Tribes joined together to enjoy a Block Party downtown. We invaded the public transportation stations in true Hipster form. Party hats and drunken antics ensued. The ride downtown was a fun one. The only damper on the festivities was the presence of one of Puppys exes. Not that it was her fault. She was apart of The Cochella Tribe and just as sweet as the rest of them. It was the first time I had met her so I thought that things might be a little awkward at first. What I didn't expect was that the poor girl would be dragged through the mud by a rabid Ego Dog.
I could tell the second she saw Puppy lean over and give me a kiss that she had no idea that he and I had been dating. It was written all over her poor little face. The guy had been texting her all week and hadn't thought once to mention me? Everytime I was with him his phone would ding and I would look down to see her name staring back at me. It didn't bother me. Lord knows I talk to enough exes myself. What bothered me now was that during all these conversations he had obviously not mentioned me. At all. Even though I was sitting right next to his ass as he was texting her 90% of the time.
The day was awful. My heart poured out to her. She stared at us every possible moment. Whenever I would walk away she would be by his side. She was lost. I could tell she was having a hard time finding her place within the group if she wasn't with him. Puppy was no help. Like I said before, we've never been very PDA with each other. Well on this particular day the boy was practically dry humping my leg in front of her. The whole situation made me sick to my stomach. I felt disgusted with myself and even more so with him. I mean who was this guy? Was he really this heartless and petty?
I found out later that the answer was yes.
After the Block Party, we went back to The Tribes place to change for the Key Club. A member of my Hipster crew was spinning there so the plan was to attend and support one of our own. Puppy disappeared from the apartment before I even left the bathroom. I shot him a text, "Where you at?"
He responded with, "Key Club."
What the fuck? That was a first. He never left without telling me first. Why would he ditch out without us? Or me for that matter? I brushed it off. He was loaded and probably just antsy. Once we got to the club everything was back to normal. Puppy had his nose up my ass as usual and we all had a really good time.
But for some reason something was bothering me. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I started to get paranoid. And suspicious. Two emotions I seldom feel. I brushed it off. I figured it was probably still upset about how he had treated his ex all day. I tried to let it go.
We left the club and I looked over to see Puppy embracing another girl. I heard him say, "I love you too babe," and give her a kiss on the cheek. She was loaded off her ass and falling over into his arms.
I found out later that she was just a friend and she was there with her boyfriend celebrating her birthday. But it was the way he did it that bothered me. Granted he was loaded off his ass as usual. (The guy hadn't slept in two days. So not hot.) But still, the way he did it was just so douchey. Such a turn off.
The journey back to The Cochella Tribes apartment was a long one. There was a lot of walking, and a few cab rides. The whole time Puppy was distant. Strange considering how overly affectionate he had been with me all day. I finally found out why when we got to the apartment.
There was another girl there. One I didn't know. One that Puppy sat next to the whole night. I began to get that feeling again. What the hell was wrong with me? I never get jealous. I'm never paranoid. But something about this situation was rubbing me the wrong way.
There were about 15 of us sitting around the living room having drinks, listening to music and shooting the shit. Hippie Chick, one of the tribesman and I were all talking about Puppys Nocturnal show. We were talking about possible costume and concept ideas. I called Puppy over to listen in. He comes over and sits across from me.
"Come sit next to me," I tell him. I hadn't really spoken to him since leaving the Key Club.
Puppy gets up and sits on the floor at my feet. Okayyyy. I meant next to me on the couch dip shit but whatever.
That's when it hit me. The other girl was actually...another girl. Turns out I was right. That asshole had double booked! While he was still on a date with me! Then I remembered something. I had seen her leaving the Key Club earlier that night right when we were walking in. That asshole had ditched me at the apartment earlier so that he could spend time with her before I showed up! That dirty ass motherfucker...
I tried to shake the crazy out of my head. There's no way he could do something like that right? I mean, was he really dick enough to go to MY friends event with another girl in front of MY Hipster crew right before I was scheduled to show up? Was he really that soulless? No way. We were friends and friends would never disrespect each other in such a disgusting way.
I was wrong. Apparently we weren't friends...because he did.
At one point I was sitting on the floor next to the Other Girl. Puppy walks over and sits between us...then immediately turns his back to me so that he could talk to her. He started to do gestures and express body language that I was very familiar with. I mean the two of us had practically been living together these last few weeks. I knew him very well. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
He started talking about how wasted he was and dropping his head on his arm towards her in a cutesy way. I had been taking care of the douchebag all day! Making sure he had water, rubbing his head to help with his headache, making him eat and buy aspirin. Now here he was trying to get sympathy from Other Girl right fucking next to me?! Unbelievable.
I figured I had two choices. I could either tap the asshole on the shoulder and ask him what the fuck was going on, or leave. I decided to leave, because honestly it was pretty fucking obvious what was happening. And honestly, I didn't give a shit enough about the asshole to fight with him...or for him. I was done. With him and this situation. It was time for me to exit stage right. Just as I made my decision one of the Tribeswomen came over to sit next to me.
"Are you cool with whats happening right now?" She asks.
That was all the validation I needed.
"No, I'm not," I answered her. "I'm gonna leave."
"I'll come with you," she says.
I stand up and lean over to where Hippie Chick is sitting.
"I'm gonna go," I tell her.
"What, why?!" She asks alarmed.
"I can't deal with this," I tell her gesturing behind me to the dumbfuck twins still sitting together on the floor.
"Wait, I'll go too," she says.
I cringe. I didn't want to make a scene of this. I just wanted to exit the situation stat. I start to walk towards the door. The same Tribeswoman grabs me and pulls me to the kitchen.
"I'm so sorry," she says. "I can't fucking believe him right now. We are all so pissed. We don't even know who he is anymore."
"Look, I just want to bail," I say, anxious to leave before Puppy decided to get involved in all this.
"Wait, one of our friends pulled him into the bedroom and she's talking to him," she says.
Fuck me.
"Right now? About me?"
"Yeah," she answers back.
"Dude, I need to leave. Now," I reply panicked. I broke free of her and quickly slipped out the door.
I made it all the way to the lobby before I noticed the multiple footsteps behind me. I turn around slowly, afraid that Puppy had decided to chase after me. Thankfully it was just Hippie Chick, and two of the Tribeswomen.
"Where are you going?" Hippie Chick asks me.
"Home," I say back. Honestly I didn't know where I was going. I mean this had never happened to me! Who does this happen to? Who sits in a living room with 15 of her closet friends while his date begins his second date for the evening in front of everyone? I mean if I had a fucked-up-o-meter, that shit would have exploded.
"No your not," they answer back. "Let's go grab a milkshake at the 24 Hour Diner."
I start to argue but then stop myself. I didn't want to go home and be alone. I didn't want to sit by myself and think about how badly I had just been fucked over.
"Ok," I answer back. "Let's go."
Luckily one of the girls had brought her car keys and was able to provide a pair of shoes for the other T-women who had walked out barefoot. The three of us drove to the diner and had some much needed girl time.
It was awesome. Heartwarming. I mean I expected Hippie Chick to be by my side, but these were Puppys friends. Yet here they were sitting at a diner with me at six in the morning drinking freaking milkshakes for goodness sakes! I vented, they consoled. We laughed and bonded. Each of them endearing themselves to my heart for forever more.
So much of my life has been spent alone. In the past when fucked up things happened to me the only one consoling me was....me. I wasn't used to having such an amazing ever growing circle of women in my life. It was wonderful. I hope each one of them know how much I appreciated them at that moment. Its nice to be reminded by amazing people that just because someone treats you like shit, it doesn't mean you are.
"He's lost so much respect from me. I don't even know how to respond,"Tribeswomen 1 says to me. "I mean there are honest mistakes and that's a different story but tonight was a total dismissal of your feelings and of the relationship you guys had. You trusted him and he took advantage."
"I know. My mind is blown," I tell her. "I mean up to this point I had been turning down guys left and right out of respect for him. I mean we weren't just two random people who were dating. I thought we were friends, so I gave him the respect I thought a friend deserved. I had no idea that he didn't feel the same way. I never would have done something like this to him. Never."
"Look, you don't need to make a big ordeal about all this to him later," T1 continues. "Don't try to guilt him or scold him later. Just let him know that you respect yourself enough to not make that mistake twice and be done with it. You are a fucking Slam piece Rockstar besides being a beautiful person inside and out. You have no need or desire to compete with some dumb Cochella Tribe/Hipster wannabe tag along. Just tell Puppy bye and to save the drama for someone who cares."
Be still my freaking heart!
"Wow. I think I love you," I reply to her laughing. "Yeah, this whole thing is so fucked up. Its funny, this is making me respect Partyboy so much more. The only reason he and I are still friends now is because we never did shit like this to each other. When we started dating other people we were open and honest about it. He tried for 3 days to get a hold of me to let me know he and his girlfriend had got back together. And even afterwards, when we both knew we still like eachother, we held back and respected ourselves and her. That's why he and I are so close now. We always thought of our friendship first. I mean I know I haven't known Puppy for very long but I have to say that I don't think he is a very good person. And its crazy because the rest of you are so nice and genuine. So much for flocks of a feather."
"Ugh I know," T2 chimes in. "He' changed so much these last few months. My perception of him has just been getting worse and worse. It's hard to watch a friend turn into something so unlike the person you first met. Especially when the rest of your group doesn't see it. But now I think everyone knows. God I hope this doesn't effect the way you guys view the rest of us."
"No not at all!" I respond immediately. "I don't believe that our surroundings define who we are. Our actions do. None of us are the person we think we are in our heads. We are defined by the way we treat others. By how we present ourselves in public and in front of our loved ones. If someone respects others they respect themselves. The rest of you know who you are and its beautiful."
"Well said," T2 responds smiling.
"Exactly," T1 continues, in between drags of her milkshake. "And like I said you have too many fucking amazing friends who love you. Not one of them have the bad vibes that he is bringing around right now. Maybe somewhere down the line you guys will be friends again. I'm sure you will still be friendly. You seem much to mature to use the silent treatment but I'm glad you have the kind of self worth that enables you to say, 'Sorry buddy, you didn't make the cut. I deserve better.' I hope you know that we all love you."
"I do," I tell her. "Thank you guys so much for coming here with me. You have no idea how much you have touched my heart. As far as Puppy goes, the answer is no. We will never be friends. I'm very particular about the people that I allow to be close to me. I've never been treated like this before by anyone. My respect for him won't ever come back. I don't hold grudges but I do stick to my guns once I've written someone off. There are no second chances when it comes to shitting on me. I'm done. This was not ok."
We all sit in silence for a while letting the nights events sink in. The sun began to rise so we finally dragged ourselves away from our girlie circle of love and headed back. The girls dropped me off at my car and Hippie Chick ran upstairs to grab the boys so that she could drive them home in hers.
Sleep didn't come easy that night. I woke the next day in shock. I mean had that really just happened? Did my semi douchey little Puppy just dog me like this? Wow.
I waited for it. Waited for him to wake up. Waited to see what he would say.
"Wow, woke up on the floor with no recollection of going to sleep. Wtf happened last night? When did you leave? I remember talking with Mr. Boston and then a total blank lol," he finally texts.
I wonder who he texted first this morning? Me or her?
I don't respond. I decided to wait. Wait until someone else woke up and told this asshole what he did. The follow up text arrived an hour later.
"Okay so I'm being explained things now, apparently not my best black out night. I'm really sorry...:/"
10 minutes later, "I know you probably don't want to talk to me but at some point I'd like to if you're willing."
I may have been willing, but there was just one problem. I knew he was spending the day with Other Girl. He was driving down to San Diego for some event, and it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that he was taking her with him. The guy invited me to everything. The fact that he had completely excluded me from this event was all the proof I needed.
"Look, I'm down to talk if you really think you need that but I don't want to do this now while you're out partying up the day with her," I say. I'm not positive if he is, but I decide to go with my gut anyways. "I'd like to atleast do this part respectfully. I'll just talk to you when you get back."
I figured if I was wrong he would immediately scream out his innocence. If I was right? I wouldn't hear back from him for the rest of the day. There is no way he would be able to handle getting caught being a two timing loser again.
He responds to me over 8 hours later. Damn I hate being right all the time. That's a lie. I love it.
"Ofcourse," he sends. "I want nothing more than to do this respectfully at this point."
Way to finally become a real man ass wipe.
"I know what I did was awful and the least I can do is talk to you about it respectfully," he finishes.
I don't know what set me off at this point. I mean earlier I thought I would talk it out with him. He was a friend and I should allow him that courtesy. But that's the thing isn't it? Why should I give him any sort of courtesy when he had shown me none?
"Honestly, I'm good," I tell him. "No conversation is necessary. I'll just see you around. It's squashed."
I didn't want to talk about this anymore! Any of it. I didn't care about his explanations. I mean what could he possibly say? I had been seeing her on the side for the last week or so but still spending every possible moment with you because being with two chicks made me feel like a bad ass and forget what a loser I really am inside?
Whatever the reason, I didn't care a flying fuck to hear it. Nothing he could say could make me change my current opinion of him. I was definitely done so I didn't need an explanation from someone I didn't care to know anymore. After what just went down, Ego Dog will be lucky if I let him lick the shit off my boots. I had finally assimilated what had happened and realized I was over it. Now I was just getting annoyed at the stray dog following me around sniffing my ass.
"I know," he says. "I just feel like I owe you an explanation."
"You owe me an apology," I respond back. "I'm not interested in explanations. Nothing you can say will make this less shitty. It will just be you trying to make yourself feel better not me. Just do your thing and I'll do mine and lets call it a day."
"Yes I definitely owe you an apology..."
Ha, you owe me a lung.
"...and that is there 100%. But I do feel like I owe you an explanation. As shitty as it was there is more to it than me just being a dick."
Oh you mean there's more? I think we've had all we can handle from your dick half, Ego Dog. I'm sure no one is interested in what your other faces look like.
"Not interested," I say instead. "Sorry. Just do me right for once and drop it. I don't want to waste anymore energy on this. Its not worth it to me. I'll just see you around."
I was beginning to get really irritated. I mean after everything that had happened this guy was still making this all about him?! Nothing he could say would make me feel better. How could he not see that? He just wanted to explain so that he could feel better about himself. So that he could feel better about what he did. I'd rather try to house train the pup by rubbing his face in his own shit. Take a big whiff buddy, because WCC's not cleaning that shit up. Just sit in it.
"I know you probably don't think my explanation is worth anything, but I kind of do."
Ofcourse you do.
"Dude, I was really hoping you would respect my wishes about this," I tell him. It was now one in the morning. I had only slept 2 hours in 2 days. I was drained and hurt and angry. All I wanted was sleep and for this selfish asshole to leave me the hell alone.
"You can either drop it and enjoy a cordial relationship with me (when necessary) or I'll have to start avoiding you if you continue to insist on trying to alleviate your guilt by trying to 'explain' this bullshit. Either way you really need to back up off me right now because you're really starting to piss me off."
I was done. I wanted him to be done. I wanted silence. But ofcourse Ego Dog had to try to have the last word.
"I'm not going to try to overly defend myself because I know how mad you must be about it, but again I just do want to say that I do have an explanation."
This guy must have a death wish.
"Good for you. Night," I respond.
And with that I finally shut the yapping Pup up.
I was drained. And tired. I slept.
The next day I felt better. The embarrassment and anger had dissipated. The relief finally began to roll in. Iglad it was over. I knew that it would have to end at some point, but I didn't know how to make that happen. I probably would have got comfortable. I probably would have started to care. I probably would have slept with him and just disappeared into Hipsterland.
But now I was free. And it had happened in a way that left me smelling like roses. I wasn't hated. He was. Awesome.
Time to move on. Luckily for me, I always prepare for the worst. I made sure that I had two new characters locked and loaded for you dear reader. I know how much you all hate for there to be a lull in my ever changing dating life. In true WCC form, you know I'm always here to deliver.
The first is a surfer/remodeler/shop owner/board maker/rockandroller/hot as all hell tattoo bearing tall burly bad ass maaaannnnn. So my speed. I call this one, 'Dude'.
Not sure what the second guy does yet. I know he is an actor, but he also has a day job that pays the bills. He's over six feet as well with dirty blond hair and light blue eyes. Reminds me of a slightly older version of The Creeper (hot). Lets hope this guy can kiss better than good old Creepface. I haven't named this one yet. You'll be the first to know when I do.
As for Puppy? Sorry dear reader. I had to put the poor pup down.
Its time to for Carrie to go play with the Big Dogs again.
RIP Puppy. All your faces won't be missed.
WCC
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Puppy
Puppy, "I don't mean to sound cocky but you're having a hard time leaving too."
Me, "Don't pay attention to me. What I do and what I'm actually thinking rarely match up. Trust me. Your definitely going to hate me at some point."
Puppy, " I doubt I could ever hate you..."
Me, "Like I said, you will."
Puppy, "I can't see you being a psycho bitch."
Me, "I'm not. I'm just indifferent. You amuse me. That's all."
Puppy, "Well good thing I'm funny..."
...
The week after I sent The Rocker my, "See you next lifetime," text was a hard one. I immediately felt guilty. But my guilt quickly turned to anger. I mean why should I feel bad? I had finally stood up for myself and gave the jerk the boot. He never responded. Not that I thought he would. How pathetic is it that I still believed he would get his shit together and realize he loved me? How sad am I for waiting for a phone call that I knew would never come?
The Plex camping trip was coming up the following weekend. A part of me wanted to ditch out. All I felt like doing was sitting at home alone, locked in my bedroom with my misery and maybe a carton of ice cream. But Hippie Chick wasn't having it. So I borrowed a tent from Partyboy, went to Target to purchase my water guns and bug spray, and away I went Friday night to the river.
I had expected to spend most of the weekend apart from the group longing for the moment where I could hide in my tent and cry myself to sleep. I should have known better. A few of the Hipster crew were with us. The Street Artist, his Twisty girl, Mr Boston, Hippie Chick, Homeless Boyfriend and maybe 4 or 5 others. We were joined by the members of the Cochella Tribe who have been rounding out our group lately during our Hollywood party nights.
The Cochella Tribe were another batch of Creative nuts that lived in Hollywood. The Hipsters may BE the party, but this nutty tribe were ONLY the party. Goodtimes and insanities turned into mass. They meshed perfectly with our group and had rolled out to join us on our camping adventure. All together we formed a colony of 31 heads.
I wish I could have video taped the weekends insanities. Let's just say I could create weeks worth of blogs on the weekends shenanigans. There was booze and water fights and shrooms and acid...my fav, powdered courage (I'll just call it white chocolate). We checked out the Sequoias...Mr. Boston licked a tree's vagina (Don't ask) and tons of other nutty adventures to difficult to properly describe at this time. I will share one thing though. I met a boy. From the Cochella Tribe.
Apparently we've been in the same room on several occasions. Neither one of us remember meeting. His group of friends are almost as large as mine and all are virtual strangers to me. I didn't go to Cochella so I never had the opportunity to meet any of them one on one.
The first night we arrived at the campsite I didn't think anything of him. He was one of many faces I was meeting for the first time. But Puppy figured out a way to catch my attention. The old fashion way. By following me around like a puppy. It was cute. He was super talkative and funny. Someone nice to pass the time with as everyone around the fire drank and set up tents. I was having a good time. I took a moment to walk down to the bathrooms with Hippie Chick.
"So I notice Puppy is all up on your ass," she says to me once we are out of ear shot of the group.
"Right?! I thought it was only my imagination. I figured maybe he was just like that all the time," I replied.
"Uh no. He's into you," she says laughing.
"Huh...well he's cute," I say back.
"Yeah he is," Hippie Chick replies, giving me her classic I can see your future grin.
"What's his story?" I ask her, ignoring her smile.
"He's a DJ," she tells me. "A pretty big one actually. Remember a couple weeks ago when we all went to Avalon? We went to see him. He's sort of the beacon of light in his crew. Almost like their version of our Street Artist."
I take it all in. I've heard of him before. I'm not really into guys who have a 'name' but he was cool and nice to hang with for the moment.
As the night got later I finally said my good nights and went into my tent to go to bed. I was excited to finally be alone and cry out my misery.
Hippie Chick had another idea.
"Where's Carrie," Hippie Chick asks Puppy after I had said my goodnights to him and zipped up my tent.
"She went to sleep," Puppy replies with a sad face.
"Well go and wake her up!," HC says.
"No its cool. She went to bed and besides, she said she just broke up with her boyfriend so...."
"Who cares!," HC says, shoving his shoulder. "We're camping dude! Have a good time. Go talk to her."
Puppy smiles and walks over to the ice chest to grab a beer. "Oh she likes these," he says to HC, grabbing an Ice lemonade for me.
Meanwhile I'm back in my tent changing for bed. I had just slipped on my boxer shorts and began to prepare the first of my tears when I heard a knock on my tent. I unzipped the flap to see a bottle being shoved through the opening.
"Oh, did you want that?" I say confused. I'm not sure why but my first thought was that he was asking if he could drink it.
"No, that's for you," Puppy replies smiling.
I take the drink as he takes a seat next to my open tent. We talked for another hour or so. The fire began to die down as the rest of the group slowly disappeared into their perspective tents.
I had just finished my drink and had turned my face to adjust my sleeping bag when Puppy made his move. In the few seconds it had took me to re-adjust my sleeping arrangements Puppy had sat up on his hind legs and moved in closer to give me a lick.
I was surprised! Not sure why. I should have expected that he would try to kiss me but I still wasn't prepared for it. I was so lost in my pain I hadn't came up with any sort of game plan for this. So I did the only thing I could think of. I let him.
The boy was a good kisser! He has very full yet firm lips which I always appreciate. He didn't try anything funny. He just grabbed the back of my hair and pulled me in for the smooch. We stayed locked in the kiss for around 20 minutes or so. It was nice. It was distracting. It was what I needed to get my mind off The Rocker.
The night began to fade into early morning. I finally sent Puppy on his way.
For the first time in a week, I slept...
The rest of the weekend went along pretty much the same way. Puppy would follow me around during the day, and make out with me throughout the night. It was easy and nice and deliciously distracting. I left the river feeling better than when I had arrived. I was still sad, but my feelings of devastation had subsided.
"Sooo, did you guys exchange numbers?" Hippie Chick asks me on the way home.
"No," I reply. "I'm good."
She laughs. "Dude, camping trip hook up...that's hot."
I smile and we continue our drive in silence.
I wasn't interested in continuing a relationship with the Puppy. I was and am still very much in love with The Rocker. Plus Puppy isn't really my normal kind of guy. I mean he is funny and kooky and attractive. My top three favorite attributes in a man. But he was smaller than I usually prefer my men. Even though he probably stood 5'9 or 5'10 he is small of frame. He is also a DJ with a large enough name to cause me pause. I'm much to vain to share the lime light with anyone. And he was a member of The Cochella Tribe so he partied in a way I wasn't into. I may be ok with having friends that partied hard, but when it comes to my men I prefer them to be atleast half as sober as I usually am.
And let's not forget that he is apart of my inner circle. I knew that anything I started with him wouldn't end well. I didn't feel like having to live with him in my constant presence afterwards. I'm lucky that things between Partyboy and I have worked out so well, but I didn't want to chance it with another guy.
Once we got home I sat down at my computer and began to write. That's when I received the first of many text...from Puppy. Apparently I had given him my phone number after all. Damn alcohol.
I spent the next two days texting back and forth with Puppy, much to Homeless Boyfriend and Mr. Bostons dismay.
"We just want everything to stay cool between us and the Tribe that's all," Mr Boston says. "I don't want things to get awkward to the point where we have to start avoiding people."
"Look, if your really not into him you shouldn't be leading him on," Homeless Boyfriend says to me.
"How am I leading him on?" I reply. "It's just friendly chatter, I'm not doing anything."
The boys nod their heads in disapproval. What did they want from me? Ofcourse I wasn't that into him. I was just coming out of a break up. But he was nice and into me and what I needed to help keep The Lonely way. Why couldn't they understand that and let me have whatever bit of peace I could find?
A few days later Puppy invited me out to party with his Tribe. They had gone up to Hollywood blvd for the Kaskade Block party. It was total madness and what I thought of as the perfect 'nondate' event for us to attend together. Unfortunately our non-date turned into a rescue mission. If you saw the news that day you know that the peaceful event turned into a shit show. Kaskade made the mistake of tweeting out that he would performing free on the boulevard. Not so smart when you happen to be one of the biggest DJ's in North America. The results being that more people than the city was prepared to deal with arrived for the show. Police ended up rolling in with riot gear and sand bag guns to force the crowd to disperse...before Kaskade ever even hit the stage. The not so happy party goers responded by causing a small ruckus and lighting a cop car on fire.
I pulled up just in time to pick Puppy up.
"Dude this is crazy, I'm so sorry," Puppy says to me when he gets in the car.
"No worries, I'm just glad I was here to get you," I say back.
"Well everyone is heading over to my friends house. He's making steak fajitas and we're going to chill and have some drinks."
I hesitate for a moment. A wild block party is one thing. A house party with the two of us showing up together? Entirely another.
I didn't see any other choice so I went along. It was my first time hanging out with The Tribe alone.
"Aren't you part of the Hipsters?" One of the tribeswomen ask me when I walked through the door.
"Uh, yeah," I say back confused. " Is that Ok?"
"Oh, yeah yeah. I was just asking," She replies quickly changing the subject.
I asked Hippie Chick about the strange question the next day.
"Dude, that's how they are. They're a close group. They don't do anything without each other. She was probably just tripping out that you were there without us," she tells me.
Playing the night back I could see she was right. All eyes were on me. They treated me like I was Puppies new fiance and he had brought me home to meet the family. My comfort was their first priority. I didn't leave the place until 5 am. Puppy walked me out and we spent about an hour hanging out and making out.
"Ok. I really need to go now. I know it's hard but you're going to need to leave," I finally tell him.
Puppy, "I don't mean to sound cocky but you're having a hard time leaving too."
Me, "Don't pay attention to me. What I do and what I'm actually thinking rarely match up. Trust me. Your definitely going to hate me at some point."
Puppy, " I doubt I could ever hate you..."
Me, "Like I said, you will."
Puppy, "I can't see you being a psycho bitch."
Me, "I'm not. I didn't mean that. I'm just indifferent. You amuse me. That's all."
Puppy, "Well good thing I'm funny..."
He wasn't getting it. I was trying to make a point. I didn't want him to think that I was really that into him. I realize I had been locking lips with him for almost half an hour but that was normal for me. What can I say? I'm a girl who likes to make out. I didn't want him to read to much into it. There was no part of me that was being seduced by this situation...or him.
He pulls me in for one more good smooch and I finally pull away.
The next day I received more back lash from The Plex.
"Look, I understand," Hippie Chick says to me. " But the boys have a point. We are all friends with this group and they just don't want things to get weird or awkward when you break things off with him."
I don't say anything. I was frustrated. What was I doing wrong? We had hung out one time! But I have to admit, part of me got what they were trying to tell me. I didn't want him to think there was anything real going on between us either. I have enough self awareness to know that I was in no position to be dating. I knew a part of me was just using him. Using him to feel better.
No, that's not it. I wasn't using him to feel better...I was using him so that I wouldn't have to feel. I didn't want to remember, or think about the love I had lost. I wanted to numb the pain and ignore it. I was like a cup with a hole at the bottom of it trying to fill itself up. I'm empty and needy as all hell. The Plex was right. I needed to end it or atleast lay out the reality of the situation for the guy.
I decide to send Puppy a text, "Look, I don't want to sound over dramatic or like a total girl but I'm the type of person who kind of says everything that is on her mind so here I go..."
"Okay, give it to me," Puppy responds.
"See I just broke up with my boyfriend so anything or anyone that I see right now sort of has an expiration date on it. I just don't want you to read to much into whats going on between you and I. I'm still sort of a wreck," I say.
"That's cool, I already knew that," Puppy sends back. "We're just hanging out and having fun. Don't worry about it."
Okay. Well that should take care of that. Or so I thought.
The next day Glasses was having a launch party for his companies new line of vintage leather accessories. It was being held at a gorgeous new warehouse he had decided to permanently rent out for parties and such. Hippie Chick and I got glamed out in sequence for the event. I chose a vintage sequence top with a pair of shorts, leggings and my black booties. Hippie Chick wore something similar with a golder reef laid atop her head. The room stopped and took notice of the two gorgeous disco balls walking through the room.
After saying hello to the crew I noticed a couple of the girls from the Cochella Tribe were there. I walked over and within seconds the conversation turned to Puppy and I.
"I really like seeing him with you," one of them say to me. "The girls he usually dates are stupidly young groupies with no brains. Once a girl actually wanted to play a game where she would drink some Jack Daniels and then spit it into his mouth..."
"Ew," I answer back making a face.
"Right?!" she continues, "You guys are cool though. I mean I love you and I love him...I know your just dating and all but he's really happy with you. I can tell."
I smile, but don't answer back. I wasn't speechless from the cuteness of it all but because what she said was totally freaking me out! It had been a long time since I had dated anyone within my circle of friends. Actually I had only done it once with Huge Asshole, and we all know how that one worked out. I didn't like this feeling! I didn't like being on display for everyone to see. I didn't like everyone giving their opinions on what I was hoping would be a non subject.
I went home that night anxiety ridden. I hated this! I didn't want to be in a relationship or dating or the center of anyones attention right now! I just wanted to be alone in my misery. I thought Puppy was cool and it was nice hanging out with him but I most definitely did not want to make this into a "thing". I wanted to end it. I figured if I stopped dating him then the attention would go away and I could go back to my sulking in peace.
The next night The Plex and I found ourselves back at the Cochella Tribes house. We were hanging out listening to music and having a few drinks. Puppy was not there. He had left a few days before on tour. He was scheduled to arrive back the next evening. He had been texting me the whole time. Its funny. I had been lucky to get one text a week from The Rocker. Puppy on the other hand? I received atleast one text an hour.
It wasn't strange. His text were simple and funny and easy going. And I have to admit, I liked the attention. He had text me earlier that night right before he was hitting the stage to play. There he was, up in Canada somewhere, texting me right before he stepped in front of thousands of people. Take that Rocker. Now that's how its done.
I get a text from Puppy saying, "I hate to ask this, and you can totally say no but do you think there is anyway you could pick me up from the airport tomorrow? I can take you to dinner afterwards to pay you back."
I hesitate. My usual answer would be, "No problem, you got it man." But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was afraid that he would think that it meant something. For the last few days I had been considering cutting him off completely, now he wanted me to pick him up like we were a couple?
I get up and sit next to Hippie Chick to ask her opinion.
"Dude just go. Tell him he'll owe you one and that you will think of ways he can make it up to you later," she says with a mischievous grin.
"No!," I say laughing. "I don't talk to him like that. That's my point. I want to keep things casual and cool."
"Then do that," she says. "Just go get him and don't make a big deal about it."
"About what," one of the group asks overhearing us.
"Carrie needs to go pick someone up from the airport tomorrow. Can you guys guess who?" shes answers back.
"Oh you don't have to ask us...we know," the room answers in unison.
Great. I'm so going to have to end this 'romance' asap.
I pick up Puppy the next day from the airport. On our drive back to his place I decide to lay it on him.
"So I've been sort of freaking out the last few days," I tell him.
"What do you mean," he asks.
"I'm not used to dating someone in such a fish bowl. Everyone is involved in this and I don't like it," I tell him.
"Have they said something? What happened?" he asks concerned.
"Everyone has had an opinion. The Plex is concerned that you and I will end up fighting and that we will break up the Hipster/Cochella Tribes. Its like they're afraid of some sort of reversed West Side Story thing going on. Instead of our "love" tearing the Tribes apart, our eventual "hatred" will. As if you and I will end up causing a war," I tell him.
He laughs at this. "Its funny how everyone is involved in this and has a problem with it except for the two people who are actually involved."
"It hasn't all been negative," I say. "Your friends are actually being cooler about it. But that's the thing. I mean one of them was telling me how happy I make you. That freaked me out! I don't want to be the source of anyones happiness right now. I can't handle that. I'm trying to get my own shit together. I don't want to be involved in someone elses emotional well being, you know what I mean?"
"I'm sorry they said that," he answers back. "They had no right to say anything."
"It's fine. I know they meant well," I tell him. "I just never normally date anyone within my circle of friends. I'm not liking the attention. Honestly all I've been thinking all week is how I want to just stop doing this. I'd rather not date than deal with all this."
"You are so cool," he says to me smiling.
"What? Why?," I ask confused. That was not the response I had expected. I look over at him. His head is cocked and he's grinning at me. I have to admit, as numb and unfeeling as I am right now, the boy is pretty damn cute.
"I love that you're telling me this," he answers back. "I'm glad your saying it. Look, don't stress. I know that you don't know a whole lot about me but I know a little about you. And what you probably don't realize is that you and I are in similar situations. I want the same thing you want. I just want to be chill and have fun. I just enjoy having the human contact. It's nice to have someone warm to hold onto every now and then you know? So relax, you and I are cool. And we'll stay that way. I'm not worried about it so neither should you."
I relax a bit after this. I mean he's right. Up to this point things have been super chill with this guy. He may constantly text and Facebook me but it hasn't been weird. That's just the type of guy he is. He's a man in his twenties. 26 to be exact. The same age as Huge Asshole. They were a completely different type of generation. They texted and Skyped and Tweeted. Communication is easy and constant.
You know what I realize? There's a recipe...a sort of pattern to rebounds. They're not chosen at random. There's a pattern to them. After I broke up with Huge Asshole I got with Nutty as a Fruitcake. Nutty was not my type at all but he gave me something that I had been craving from HA. He gave me attention. He adored me. He thought I was wonderful every second of everyday. A big change from Huge Assholes constant ignoring and put downs. It looks like I did it again. I had found The Rockers mirror image in Puppy.
The Rocker and I had rarely spoke on the phone. He was a terrible texter. Every date had to be a production. All I had ever craved with him was simplicity. I just wanted to kick it in his space whenever I could. That's what Puppy provided. He called, texted, and IM'd me all the time. He asked me to join him and his friends for dinner. We made easy movie plans. He would invite me over to just watch TV. I actually fell asleep on his couch the other day for 4 hours as he just went about his day. He was always available to me. Whether he was at home, the airport, recording his radio show or at the Studio. He lived by his phone and laptop so communication was a piece of cake. It was just a way of life for him.
Puppy knew he was a rebound and didn't care. He had basically told me I was the same to him. Things were easy and simple with him and I appreciated it. And he was a Creative. One that could help me and my girls. We had already began making plans for putting on a show together. He's playing at Nocturnal next month so we were talking about a collaboration between the two of us. He would play a set just for us and we would hit the stage in body paint and little else and rock the night. It was a perfect give take relationship...one where neither one of us cared who the giver or taker was.
A few nights later we went out together to a club. It was an interesting experience. Puppy was approached a dozen times by adoring fans. Men and women. But as much as he was approached so was I. Puppy keeps his distance with me. I know there's a part of him that is afraid of scaring me away still. When we're out together there is no hand holding. The casual observer would think we were just friends. And not close ones at that. One of the guys who had been hitting on me on and off through out the night decided to try to get my number.
"Sorry, I'm here with someone," I tell him, noticing Puppies eyes on us.
"Oh, you have a boyfriend," he asks.
"No, but I'm here with someone," I tell him again.
"Oh, sorry," he responds and runs away. Literally runs through the crowd. Weirdo.
Puppy comes over to sit next to me. "What was that all about," he asks me.
"Oh nothing. He was just hitting on me and got freaked when I shot him down," I reply.
He just smiles at me. I take a good look at him. He really does actually sort of look like a puppy. He has a round face with soft light brown eyes that are always half closed. Sort of reminds me of Droopy the dog. And there's something about his teeth that turn me on. I know how that sounds. I just like the way they look when his mouth is partially open and the bottom of his upper teeth are grazing the outside of his lips. They're straight and white and perfect. I look at his mouth and then do something I never do. I kiss him. I could tell he was surprised. I was a little drunk and I was loving the music and lights and the random attention the two of us were getting.
That night made me think. I'm still thinking. Is this what I should do? Is this who I should be? Puppy represented a totally different lifestyle for me. Totally different from the life I could have had with The Rocker. The Rocker represented the type of life I used to have. The type of person by nature I am. He was safe and normal. He was fancy dinners and movie nights. Time with the family and fun night outs that ended at reasonable times. He was love and safety and warmth.
Puppy represented my creative side. He is apart of my groups Hipster lifestyle. With him I would always be the plus one to every event in and out of town. We would Be the party together. A virtual King and Queen of our Tribes. With him things would be relaxed and fun. Guys his age don't think about the future or there consequences. They relax. They don't stress. With him I would be a different person. I would be all Creative. The real me would be lost and I would be the pure ego and bravado of WCC. I would live in the Darkness The Hollywood Guru so often talks about.
Our relationship would be pure simplicity and goodtimes. Simplicity without love.
Its appealing. After all, I've given up on love. The Rocker took it from me. He broke my belief in it. I loved him so much. I love him still. It hurts. I don't know how to let it go. I don't want to. In order to let it go I would have to let him go and I'm not ready to do that yet.
I know I will eventually have to allow the loss and pain to pass through me. I know I will have to cry and be depressed and alone. I know that I will have to fight The Lonely yet again. Face to face. Gloves off. Round...oh who's counting anymore? I've beat him back before, but this time around I'm unsure of a victory. The Rocker left me broken and weak. I'm afraid of facing The Lonely alone.
So for now? I hide. I rebound. I party. I pet my Puppy.
Go ahead Lonely. Try and find me.
WCC
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