Girl Talk

I'm flirting with a girl. I really do need to be monitored at all times. I can't be left to my own devices...

Things have been going really well with The Rocker. Fantastic actually. But for some reason I've kept my online dating profile page open. Honestly I think it's because I'm addicted to it. I'm addicted to the bad photos and getting to know you emails. Part of me wants to reach out to these lost souls and help them out. Show them the Do's and Don'ts of online profile set ups. Here are a few "don'ts", listed in no particular order...

Don't:

1. Do not post shirtless photo of yourself as your profile pic.
It doesn't matter how rock hard your body is, or you worse, you think it is. Posting a photo of yourself flexing for your mobile phone is gay.

2. Do not post photos of yourself with another women.
No one knows that the girl in the photo is your sister so stop it!

3. Do not post professional glamour shots of yourself with your dog.
I'm not making this one up. I've seen two guys post this shit. They dress up in suits and place their dogs on a chair and have the photographer snap away. You might as well hang a "Loser" sign on your chest while your at it...and it's gay.

4. Do not post photos of yourself with your friends.
I know you want to show that you are popular and have an active social life. The problem is, what if your friends are more attractive than you? I've come close to messaging a guy, "Can you please introduce me to your friend that's golfing with you in photo number 2?" on several occasions.

5. Do not send messages that end with the word, "Ciao".
Don't do it you douche.

6. The first email that you message to someone should never be longer than 2 or 3 sentences.
All you're doing at this point is introducing yourself and checking to see if the other person is interested. No one needs to read a 2-3 paragraph letter from you. What the hell do you think your profile page is for dumbass??

7. Do not list that you like to travel, drink wine, or enjoy long walks on the beach.
Stop being stupid, I mean seriously?

8. Do not send more than one email.
If I didn't respond the first time, chances are slim that your second desperate attempt is going to convince me.

9. Do not quote lines from my profile page in a lame attempt to seem witty.
I'm glad that you read and enjoyed what I wrote, but I could do with out the, "Cool as a cucumber? More like hot as a tomato!" emails from you people. Ugh.

10. Do not refrain from posting a photo because you want to '"get to know someone first" before you show them your face.
All this is telling the reader is that you are hideous.

Look people. You're not going to be able to get to know someone by what they like to do in their free time or what their top 6 favorite things are that they could never live without. The only way to know if things are going to work between you and those of the opposite sex is to meet them. Chemistry is rare and hard to find. You need to look someone in the eye. Shake their hand, touch their skin. Speak to them one on one, in person, so that your energies can bounce off of one another. So post your fucking picture and stop wasting everyone's time already! I don't care how nice you are. If you're crossed eyed and missing an ear, I'm not biting.

I think many of these mistakes happen because most people in the online dating world are totally insecure with themselves. They're afraid to stand on their own two feet and show who they really are. Instead they hide behind premeditated photos and overly written profile pages. Then there are the ones who are afraid to date so they simply get on a dating website to pretend they are being proactive about their social lives. They create a universe where they are desired and adored by the online masses. Like the way The Highlander did. He thought he was in a relationship with not only me but two other online beauties. In his mind we were all fighting for his attention when in reality all we wanted to do was meet him and see if reality matched with his profile. Of which it did not. I guess in his case he should have just stuck to texting...

Now the Asian Baby Doll who sent me a message a few days ago is definitely none of the above. She has confidence oozing off of her. With good reason. I have to admit, the girl is gorgeous. She is 5'7, with dark brown hair and dark almost black eyes. Petite yet curvy body and a lovely Baby Doll face. You can tell that she is wearing a ton of makeup in her photos but all it does is intensify her sex appeal, not cover it. Her photos are intense.

The first is a shot of her handcuffed to a bed wearing a sequenced lingerie body suit. Her skin is milky white and she is sprawled against the head board in a way that makes you want to go help the poor horny girl. The next photos are a series of artsy lingerie ass shots in front of windows and antique furniture. The girl knows what she's doing! She knows what she looks like and is using it to her fullest potential.

Her first message to me simply said,"You are very pretty and sexy. Please teach me how to dance?"

Nice.

Now that's how you do it people! She managed to compliment me and ask an opened ended question, that I would feel inclined to answer, at the same time. Both lines kept the focus on me. Being the vain creature I am, I appreciated that. Not enough to respond mind you. I'm straight as they come. But I suppose for a girl like her my interest in men was just a small inconvenience. One that I'm sure she was used to overcoming.

The next day she sent me a second message.

 "I think you are so sexy."

I must say, I like her directness. I began to debate on whether or not I should respond to her. Not sure why I wanted to. Curious I guess? I've never flirted with a girl. Ok, that's a lie. I have, but those conversations were short. Only a look or two in the direction of a hot lesbian bartender in order to get her to pour my drink with a heavier hand. You know, shit like that.

Well, Baby Doll decided to take my indecision into her own hands. I was on my OkCupid page when she decided to Instant Message me.

"Hi," Baby Doll says to me.

I hesitate for a moment. I mean, did I really want to do this?

Oh who am I kidding! Ofcourse I do.

"Lol, finally found me huh?" I respond.

"I have. I'm ready for my dance lesson," she sends back. Damn this bitch is good!

"Lol, I have a feeling you don't mean the type of dancing I teach," I tell her.

"Are you from Hawaii?" She asks.

"No. I learned here. Been dancing for 13 years or so. My first teacher was a white women of all things," I say.

Ok. I can do this. I am doing this. The conversation is easy. This is just very light flirty getting to know you chit chat. Piece o cake.

"Does it keep you busy?" She asks.

"It does. I have my day job as well. Got to pay the bills and all that. What do you do?" I ask her. I mean it seems like the polite thing to do, ask her a question about her life, for the sake of getting to know her and all right? For my online research ofcourse.

"Real estate. What do you do?" She responds.

"I manage a women's clothing store up in Hollywood," I tell her.

"Where do you live?" She asks.

"Mid-City. South of Miracle Mile," I say.

It's funny. I came close to giving her the cross streets! I guess that's the difference between talking to a girl instead of a guy. With a guy your more cautious. I tend to be much more vague with my answers. But with a girl, there is no fear. I figure if she turns psychotic and comes to find me, atleast I know I can take her.

"I live in West Hollywood and work downtown," she tells me.

As comfortable as this getting to know you shit is, I decide it was time to switch focus back to the question at hand.

"So, I've read your profile, and I'm sure you've read mine about being straight. But I'm still curious about your situation. You have a boyfriend but want a girlfriend too?" I ask her.

Don't worry. I know what I'm doing.  I'm aware that my seemingly innocent message is full of openings for her. First, I said that my profile said I was straight. Not me. Then I followed it with the word 'curious'. The last line is the kicker. I'm asking her if she wants a girlfriend. A girl in her situation would automatically read this as an offer, not a question. I'm such an asshole.

"I have a boyfriend and enjoy being with girls," she immediately responds followed by, "Do you like girls also?"

"I find girls attractive but I've never been with one," I tell her. "Not really my thing you know? I like to watch, but that's as far as I could take something like that."

"Watch two girls together you mean?" She replies.

"Yes. Nothing live mind you. I've just watched some girl on girl porn in the past. They usually end up being more of a turn on than the guy stuff. It eliminates the nasty cum shots and such." I tell her.

Now I know I'm going to hell.

I'm laying the flirt on thick. I'm a full blown curious cat in her eyes now. Someone that appears to be easy to 'turn'. What am I doing? I guess I'm doing the same thing I do with the lead singers of my favorite bands. The same thing I did with Ringo. Even though I don't necessarily want to be with them, I still want to be desired. I like making my opponent believe that they are the predator and I am the prey. Little do they know, I bite.

"I found I liked girl on girl porn also until I tried a real live girl," she says to me.

"Well then sign me up, I must be gay," I thought in my head.

"When did you first do that?" I ask instead. I'm into sending half truths and mixed signals. Not full blown lies.

"Last year with my boyfriend. I have never felt so good before," she tells me.

This surprises me! I mean the girl is 27 years old. It seems a little late in her life to be discovering that she liked to boink girls.

"I was tied up with a mistress and my boyfriend was there with me," she continues.

Wow! Hows that for a first time boys and girls?

"Did you hire a professional or was this someone you met," I ask her genuinely interested.

This shit is beyond fascinating to me! There was only one other time where I had felt this inquisitive about a women's sex life. It was years ago when I was on my honeymoon in Costa Rica with my ex husband...


We were at bar in Manuel Antonio when three business men walked in with 2 young hot Tico women.

"What the hell are those girls doing with those guys," I asked The Ex.

I mean the guys were not attractive at all. Two of them were over weight and the third looked to be around 65 years old. The only thing they had going for them was that you could tell that they had money. Not enough to make someone like me feign interest, but enough for others I know to do the deed for the green.

"They're escorts," The Ex tells me. "The guys probably hired them for their business trip."

"What!?" I exclaim. "No freaking way!"

I couldn't stop staring at them for the rest of the night. I was fascinated! It was like watching monkeys at the zoo. I found their interactions so interesting. The way the girls would turn 'on' the charm every now and then to help the scene look more social and real. It was unbelievable! At one point one of the girls grabs a fatty and gets him to dance with her. She places him up against the wall and bends over into a feux dance that came across a lot more like dance floor dry humping than dancing.

The entire night it looked to me like the girls were going through a checklist:

1. Laugh at their jokes even though we barely speak English - check!

2. Dance like a whore with them on the dance floor - check!

3. Appear to be drinking a ton of alcohol even though we are just babysitting our drinks until we can clock the fuck out and party with actually hotties - check!

The Ex and I eventually left the bar and asked a taxi to take us somewhere fun. It was around 3am but we were on vacation and wanted to continue to party. The driver takes us into a remote part of the jungle. We drive across a draw bridge and I see a huge grey castle in front of us. No shit. It was a freaking castle! We walk inside and find ourselves in a huge disco club. There are strobe lights and smoke and a ton of gays everywhere. The sound system is legit and the air conditioning divine. We take a seat and I scan the room. That's when I spot them. There on the other side of the dance floor were the 2 prostitutes we had seen with the Fat Suits earlier.

"Look," I tell The Ex, pointing at them. "It's them! Dude, I have to talk to them!" 

He immediately stands up and walks across the room. He walks up to one of the girls and tells her in Spanish, "My wife wants to speak with you."

I see her look over at me. There's that damn flash again! I guess my sex appeal is universal. She comes over and shakes my hand.

"What happened to the guys you were with," I ask her. The Ex translates for me.

"She said they only paid for the early part of the night," He tells me, repeating her answer in English for my non Spanish speaking ass. "They're meeting them in the morning for breakfast."

I. Am. Riveted! I felt like I was interviewing the freaking pope or something!

"So how does that work?" I say. "I mean, where did they find you?"

The Ex translates but she doesn't respond. She doesn't even glance at him. She's looking me right in the eye. She holds out her hand and asks in her accented English, "Dance with me?"

I hesitated only for a moment before I placed my hand in hers and allowed her to pull me to the dance floor....

The place really is awesome. The rainbowed colored lights are shining down on us. The room is misty with smoke. She begins to grind in front of me with her arms wrapped around my waist. A few seconds later I feel someone soft push up against my back. It's escort number two. I'm a little drunk and the music is rocking! I can feel the warmth of the two girls pressing up against me giving me just enough room to bump and grind to the music and show the crowd what I can do. What a night! There I was in the middle of the jungles of Costa Rica, in a gay castle, with two escorts sandwiching me on an almost empty techno colored dance floor! These are the things memories are made of...

Don't get excited. Nothing happened beyond the dance floor. I went back to the stupidly expensive 5 star hotel with my new husband, escort free. Even though I had danced for over an hour with the Escort twins, I had no desires to take things any further. My, 'I'd rather be the girl they want instead of the girl they've had' line goes for women as well. I had my fun. But when all is said and done, I'd rather share my bed with a man...

Baby Doll answers my question about whether she hired a professional for her first time or not.

"A pro," she says. "Someone that my boyfriend hired as a surprise."

I guess that would be the way to go. I imagine it must be pretty awkward to hook up with a girl for the first time. There's an element of selfishness that you can eliminate by dealing with  a professional. The entire act can then be focused completely on you. On your personal comforts and desires.

"But you were always interested in girls before hand?" I ask her.

I realize I'm asking to many questions now. I'm not flirting anymore, I'm drilling the poor girl for information.

"Sorry," I say, trying to fix my slip up. "I find all of this interesting. I like to get into people's heads and see what motivates them to do what they do, you know?"

She decides to ignore my question and steers the conversation back to the only question she's interested in. Whether or not she can she turn me.

"Have you played with BDSM?" she asks.

I'm not sure what she means by this. Instead of asking her I quickly turn to google for my answer.

BDSM: a type of adult role play between two or more individuals. The compound acronym, BDSM, is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&S), and sadism and masochism (S&M).

I'm going to have to go with a no on that one. I don't want to respond to her with something boring. Instead I decide to keep the flirt on. I mean what could be the harm in that right?

"No never," I say at first. "I've had tiny glimmers of what it would be like. You know, I've been tied down, had a pillow placed over my face, light choking and shit talking but nothing serious..."


I really am an asshole.

"You may enjoy it," she tells me. "Shall we have tea sometime?"

I love a girl who can go from asking if I'm into bondage to if I'd like to grab a cup of tea with her. I do love me a cocky bitch! I should introduce her to Pop a Squat sometime.

I decide that I've taken this game as far as I can. I mean the flirting is fun. It's morning time. I love mornings. It's the horniest time of the day for me so this little role play is sort of hitting the spot. But morning will soon turn into afternoon followed by a very unsexy tea time with a lesbian chick that I honestly don't want to be with. No amount of alcohol or drugs could get me to take that route. Sorry Dear Reader. Carrie's not a lesbian. I need to shoot her down.

"Honestly, I wouldn't mind meeting up," I begin, trying to let her down easy. "I find you interesting, but I don't want to you think that I'm what you're looking for right now. I may flirt with women on occasion but I have not and more than likely would not go down that road with one. Ever."

She hasn't responded. It's been a couple of hours now and still nothing. Guess she doesn't want to be my friend. It's probably for the best. Lord knows I have enough guy 'friends' who want to get into my pants, I don't need to start adding women to my collection.

It was a fun morning though. Think I'll go make myself a cup of tea.

WCC