Real Tears

"I have scars from wars that nobody won..."

Such a lovely quote.

I mean it. I'm not sure why but when I heard it I thought it was very pretty.  It reminded me of love lost, pain and tears. What does that mean? Does that mean that I think that pain is beautiful?

Yes. I think a part of me does. I think that hurting, crying and allowing oneself to be vulnerable, is lovely....
 

I remember once when I was young, second grade or so, I saw another young girl cry. She was the same age as I was, but unlike myself was constantly bullied. She had several learning disabilities, she was unattractive and always came to school in mix matched clothing. Most of my classmates were cruel to her.

One day she couldn't take it anymore, and she began to cry.

It ripped my heart out.

I went to her immediately. I hugged her and told her it was ok. I spent the entire recess with her. I remember how her tears made her seem more real to me. She wasn't this funny looking girl anymore. She was human. She had feelings. I also remember thinking what a beautiful person she was. I remember feeling shocked that I had never noticed it before.

Maybe that's why I like to cry. I rarely indulge but when I do it feels good in a way. I spend so much time trying to show the world that I have everything together. That I am strong and independent. That you can try to hurt me all you want but in the end all I need is me so you can't get me down...

But all that's make believe. Most of the time I feel just like that girl did. I feel unattractive, I feel lost, I feel like I'm not real.

Except for when I cry. I never feel more real than when I let go and allow myself to be vulnerable enough to express the pain that others make me feel. Crying is me at my best. Crying is when I feel the most lovely.

I remember the first time I cried in front of The Plex. Hippie Chick said it best in the blog Intervention.

"You know what's crazy," Hippie Chick says. "I've known you for like 3 years but I think this is the first time that I've ever seen you cry."

She was right. I never cry in front of others. But I'm glad I did that night. That was one of many moments with The Plex that I felt truly close to them. I loved them for being there with me and I felt loved in return. I was completely vulnerable and I trusted them with my tears. I trusted them enough to show them the real part of me. 

Maybe that's how you know that you love someone. Maybe that's how you can tell if someone loves you back. When you are comfortable enough to shed tears in front of the person who you know matters the most, and when they trust you enough to allow you to see their tears in return.

Guess that would explain why I spend so much time crying alone.


WCC