It was my birthday last weekend. I turned the big 3-4. Freaked me out to be honest.
I mean I know I don't look it, but by god do I feel it. Thirty four years in the life of West Coast Carrie is like sixty four in the life of a "Normie". The last four years since my divorce have been insane! I've dated more these last few years than I had my entire life. Between Huge Asshole, The Kid, Nutty as a Fruitcake, Creeper, The Rocker, Puppy, and Frenchie; I'm exhausted.
This year stands out most of all. It's strange having my ups and downs, wins and failures, laid out before me, and posted, for the public as well as myself to see.
You would think that with all the dating that I do that I would have had a date for my special day. I didn't. My date instead decided to break up with me three days before my birthday.
I had met him a few weeks before my birthday. He was born in Britain but raised in France. His accent was pretty strange because of it. The mix made him sound like a New Yorker. He had came to the states a few months ago to pursue his acting and modeling career. He had seen some decent success in Europe and was excited to try his luck in the States.
Things had been going great between us until one day he decided to pull a Rocker and read my blog behind my back. As if invading my privacy hadn't been enough the guy had the nerve to judge me off of it. Atleast The Rocker had let me explain. He broke things off immediately. Idiot. Whatever. Good riddance. If a guy can't tell the difference between who they see in front of them and a fictional character than I don't need him in my life.
Wait. Don't listen to me. I'm not being totally honest. I was bothered. I was hurt and beyond frustrated. You see I had decided the month before I met him that I wasn't going to write my blog anymore. I had decided that I was done. You can imagine how upset I was that the first time in forever that I had decided to stay true to one guy, my damn blog from dating past ruined it?
After Frenchie left, I had dove straight back into my manic dating lifestyle. I couldn't help it. It took more than one man to make one Frenchie...hell it would take a whole army of men to build a Rocker. So that's what I did. I tried to pick up the slack by dating as many men as I could find. By now I was damn good at it.
It may have taken me a year, but I guess I finally achieved what I set out to do. I built the perfect man, by combining the meager powers of many. The "Weird Science" project has finally been achieved.
I had a boy for everything I may need. Here's the list I had running:
The Best Friend = Random British Guy gets this title. We talk about everything...via Skype. We share our feelings, dating horror stories and discuss our lives in general. I feel fortunate to still have a friend like him in my life. But don't get me wrong, the second this man's feet hits US soil again, I plan on making my "Porn" story a reality....
Lust = This title goes to The New Brit. I rarely see him. Usually we call each other in the mist of our partying and meet up at an after party or random Hollywood club. The man is disgustingly hot, but unfortunately much too flawed for me to ever take seriously.
Plus One = Leather Guy gets this one. I have yet to write about him, but we met on Christmas day. A member of The Cochella Tribe had a Christmas party at his house for those of us with no family in town. I decided to take Leather Guy along with me. He arrived at The Plex with a bar of chocolate truffle wrapped in holiday paper. Too cute! He fit in perfectly with my crew. He loves the same electronic music they do, is photogenic as hell, and adores me. When I need a plus one to any of my Hipster events, he's my go to guy.
Sense of Humor = We all know how much I love a guy that can make me laugh. I have to give this to my Penpal in Lake Arrowhead. Penpal is a 52 year old man that I had met on EstablishedMen.com. He is much too old for me to date, but the man cracks me up! We spend most of our day messaging jokes to each other...goodtimes.
Spiritual Connection = Got to be The Healer. The two of us have never hooked up. I think mainly because before we met I had expressed my dislike for his current hairstyle. Like I always say, men are sensitive creatures that can't handle shit. Even though, we still hang out occasionally and enjoy eachothers company. He is the only man in my life outside of my dad that understands my useless superpower. He is part psychic, part healer. The man has actual clients! He's taught me alot these last few months about how to protect my energy and tap into my inner talents. It's been nice to have a guy like him around. After all, every super hero needs a mentor. Now if I could just get him to cut his god awful hair he'd be perfect.....
Sex = I may lust after The New Brit, but the best sex available to me is from...drum roll please...Dude. That's right. Dude is back! His reconnection with his ex had only lasted two weeks. Guess giving them a month was a bit too generous on my part. He still isn't a guy I could fall in love with, but I do enjoy his company. We still argue every chance we get about being "real" and are comfortable and trusting enough for an occasional rough and tumble if we choose. And for the record, I was right...we did get better at it with practice...
Texting Buddy = I know this may sound funny, but I love to text! I was spoiled while dating Puppy. That boy texts his brains out. So I've been searching for a replacement that could handle my preferred method of hourly messaging. This title goes to my Sweet Home Alabamy. This boy came into town for only a week. He's friends with one of my Hipster Crew. I met him the last day of my birthday weekend. We were inseparable for the rest of the week until he left. We now text daily...on the hour, almost every hour. He's talking about moving, either to Denver or to Los Angeles soon. My fingers are crossed for the latter.
Money Bags/Intelligence = Moneys never really been a driving factor for my relationship choices. I've always been the type to be more attracted to ambition and drive. Intelligence is super hot to me as well. However if I'm building my own man, I might as well throw in some cheese, don't you think?
This title goes to The Pocket Jew. A short while back I had decided that I wanted to mix things up and write about Sugar Daddy's. A few weeks on the site made me change my mind. It's basically just a way to get around the laws of the land so that you can own your own prostitute. Really nothing much there for me to write about. I can sum it up with one word. Gross.
However, of the few men I spoke with during my brief cameo on the site, one stuck out. The Pocket Jew. I told him right away that I was only on the site for my writing. We became friends and eventually started to date. Without payment. He's a short Jewish lawyer that would normally never be my type. It's his wit and intelligence that made me stop and take notice. We go out for drinks and dinner a few times a month. I bring fun and silliness to his busy world. I really enjoy his company and love to debate about the world with the guy.
The Chef = I love me a man who can cook! The Hot Lebowsky gets this title. The two of us just recently started talking again. I still have yet to sleep with the poor guy. Honestly, I probably never will. I enjoy his company as a friend too much to ruin it by doing something like that. Although I may need to throw in a smooch or two eventually so that I can keep him cooking for me...
Date Nights = This is different from Plus One. Date Nights are one on one. I like a guy who is good with staying at home every once in a while. The Nerd deserves this title. The two of us enjoy movie nights together or occasional runs to Yogurtland. We may flirt when we message each other online but in person we keep things PG...13. It's nice to kick it in someones space without the dating pressures one usually feels. We're friends that are attracted to each other and content at being so...atleast for now. We plan on watching The Shining together sometime next week.
My Arch Nemesis = This may sound strange, but I like to have a bit of fight in my guy. I need to feel that the person I'm with is my equal. I want to feel challenged. I have to give this title to, you may have guessed it, The Creeper. Yes, I still speak with that wacky guy. We've actually become friends...in a way. He had always called me his equal in the dating world. Both of us have ran our individual social experiments in the past. Couldn't tell you if either of us have been successful, but we sure do like to shit talk our results to each other.
There are a few more men who bounce in and out of my crazy life, but these are the highlights. I will admit that there's more to building a perfect man than the options I have provided above, but come on? How many guys can one girl date at once?
I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go from here. Getting to this point has been a journey in itself. It was more complicated than I thought it would be. I had thought that all I would have to do was go out and find a handful of men to date that would fit my made up bill. That was so not the case! It was less about finding them and more about finding me. I had to change before I could accomplish such a difficult goal.
At the beginning of this I was a relationship girl. I had bounced from one boyfriend to the other, with little to no breaks, for years. It was difficult to break the chain. Difficult for me to learn to date without caring.
No. That's not right. I didn't learn to not care about guys...I had to learn how to care more about me. It's like what I wrote in, "Book 2: Poisoned Arrows". I fell in love with men in the past because they told me to. Because I thought I was supposed to. I had to learn to let that go. It wasn't until I fell in love with The Rocker that I learned that it was ok to do something for me.
Things became easier after that relationship. It made me take dating less seriously. Every guy I dated didn't need to be the one. I didn't need them to provide my happiness. In the beginning of the year I was constantly getting hurt. Between Partyboy's stupid head games and The Creepers dick flip, I was bruised. Everyone of the men I dated in the beginning of all this hurt me. They all pressed on the sore spots. It should never have felt that way. I should have been healed before I started. I shouldn't have looked for these damaged men to help me. They weren't worthy. Not one of them were worthy of me.
I'm in a better place now. I was broken when I started this journey. I found a way to heal. Even if I was broken again after I found that serenity I found a way to be okay with it. It was just life playing itself out. Ups and downs, cuts and bruises and all. Scar tissue is tougher than the skin we are born with. It was all apart of the process.
You know what I realize now? Building the perfect man won't make you happy. It didn't work for the boys in the film. Once the boys in Weird Science created their perfect woman, do you know what they did? They went out and found themselves a couple of perfectly normal, and flawed, women to be with instead.
I totally get it man. That's how I feel. These guys occupy my time, they entertain me and provide occasionally comfort; But overall, I still feel empty. I still feel alone. I used to think that I was ok with using Mr Wrong to keep me company while I waited for Mr Right, but I was sadly mistaken.
I guess it's better to have one flawed man who loves you and who you can love back, than many men who only have one part of the whole to give.
I swear there had to be a better way for me to figure all this out. A way that didn't involve having to go through what I went through this year. Oh wait, there was. I could have just re-watched the movie.
So now what? Where do I go from here? If I don't have a happy ending for this story, what can I provide for you? What can I give you Dear Reader? How can I give you hope? Hope not only for you but for me?
Maybe my writing has done it's own kind of damage. I started this because I needed WCC. I needed her protection. I needed her to say and do all the things I couldn't. To protect me.
I catch myself leaning on her still. Hell, not leaning, more like pushing her in front of me like an emotional bullet proof shield. She has become a way for me to hide from anything or anyone who might hurt me. A way for me to keep people at arms length. I guess I was unfair to the French Brit. I condemned him for thinking that I was WCC. In a way, the guy was right. I may know the difference between us but if I jump behind her every time something goes wrong no one will ever see me for who I really am. No one will ever know that I can stand alone.
One of the many things that I learned this year was that no one can break me. That I can heal and come back stronger every time. So I need to stop being afraid to show people who I am. It won't kill me. That knowledge should give me the confidence to allow people see Carrie.
I'm not WCC. I know I've said it time and time again, but I need to listen to my own words. I need to remember me. She's an Alter Ego. The opposite of who I am. She is pure ego and bravado. She is detached and judgemental. She is unforgiving and dismissive. I mean let's be honest? The woman is sort of an Asshole.
That's not me. I love. Alot. All the time. I love my friends, my family and men. I am positive and understanding. I'm forgiving to a fault. I hate cutting people out of my life. Even if they have wronged me. I never argue or raise my voice. I never say the, "F-word". If it's 4 am and someone needs a ride, I'm who they call. If someone needs a ear to listen to them, I'm here. I'm painfully sensitive. If a harsh word is spoken in my direction, I cry. But only when I'm alone and no one can see because I would hate to bring anyone else's mood down.
I keep my pain and my fear to myself. I deal with my sorrows alone. No. That's not right. I used too. Now I'm not allowed too. The Plex watch after me, they always know. They know who I am and love for me because of it. For my strengths and my weakness's. They make me share. They make me lean. They make it ok for me to be me.
I am a beautiful person.
Maybe that's the hope I can give you. Maybe that's what my journey has taught me. It taught me that it's okay to hurt. It's okay for people to see your tears. It's okay to put yourself out there. It's okay to show the world and men everything that you are. It's okay to lay all your cards on the table because even if you end up hurt you can still say that you were true to you. It won't kill you. You will heal.
I realize now that I will never find Mr Right...my Cool Rider...if I don't put myself out there so that he can find me.
Mr Right will love me for being me. Why would I want someone to love me for any less?
I'm going to approach this year as Carrie. As plain, amazingly sensitive and loving...Carrie.
It's time to let WCC go...and you.
I'm sorry but I will never be able to find love if I don't stop the public commentary. I need to treat men and myself with the respect and love that they deserve. The disassociation and detachment needs to stop.
WCC will still be apart of me. We all need a small piece of our alter egos to help us during the hard times. Just don't make the mistake I did and start to believe that she is the only way you can be okay with facing the day.
So this is goodbye...but don't worry. The lights in the Bat cave may be dark, but that doesn't mean that no one is home. I'm sure she'll be back one day.
She's already waiting.
xoxo,
Carrie
